The Blessing Ring
by QuantumFizzx
Summary: After missing out on love, Bella goes thru the motions in life. Forces begin to compel her to go after the only thing she had ever truly wanted... even when that dream is farther out of reach than ever before. Featured on TWI-FIC PROMOTIONS AH B/E
1. Chapter 1 Waiting to Begin

**Author's Note: **"The Blessing Ring was recently reviewed and accepted by Twi-Fic Promotions. I am very honored.

Thanks for checking out this story! I want to say upfront that the first few chapters are for us to get to know Bella, to understand who she is after years of pining for Edward. I'd like to think that she interesting enough w/o massive Edward interaction upfront. Edward makes cameos until chapter 6 when he comes into the story in a big way. If you are a fan of the slow reveal, that's what I'm going for here. If you are the type that wants Edward's perspective, I wrote a one-shot of the history of this story in EPOV called "Quoting Frost." Please check it out. I'm kind proud of how it turned out, which is ironic since I didn't initially want to do it.

This story is where I envisioned things could go if Bella was a little it less brave & Edward was a little bit better at staying away from her.

Much of the initial action will take place in the form of flashbacks while Bella is getting ready for a formal party. Because we don't recall things in perfectly chronological order, some things will be remembered out-of-sequence, but I will make clear the time frame in which the event she is remembering occurred. The memory of these events encroach on her daily life and I chose this method to demonstrate how affect she is by her last chance at love – rather than saying "she was haunted by the ghosts of unrequited love" or some rot.

A timeline is at the end of each chapter that contains flashbacks for those who may benefit from it.

I don't own Twilight. Anything recognizable as Twilight-related belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

**Chapter 1 – Waiting to Begin**

The Blessing Ring

May you have love that never ends,

And may you be sent love again and again

- The "Irish Blessing Ring" guide

What. A. Load.

It had taken me the better part of three hours, hours that I did not have – hours that might have been better spent exfoliating my neglected elbows, heels…everything – to find the stupid thing. Most of the contents of my hall closet were still sprawled around me and the clock said there were only a few short hours to achieve formal office party presentability. _Nothing short of a miracle, regardless of the time._

Yet, there I sat, shaking my head at the cheesy sentiment on the (probably fake) parchment that accompanied the self-proclaimed "Irish Blessing Ring." Really, if love was supposed to be considered a blessing and never ended, it most definitely would not need to be sent again, or again, or even again.

But, I was no expert. _I've never been in love. Not technically._ _Unrequited love doesn't count, does it? _At least, I'd never really loved anyone that loved me back. Nothing mutual. _Which is terrible to admit since I've been married once._

Would love coming back around be a good thing? It sounded like "Every Breath You Take," that Police song that gets played at nearly all weddings. It ought to be designated as the Stalkers' National Anthem. They didn't play it at my wedding, but I did phone in a dedication request for "Don't Stand So Close to Me" two years later when Tyler and I divorced.

I'd only put the ring on once, the day I first received it. It was hideous, gauche. After that, it had been tucked away, virtually forgotten, except by Rose, my beloved but not-so-dear old school friend and current co-worker. She had suggested that it would go well with the dress she was loaning me.

I felt bad not appreciating the ring; it had been a bequest from my godmother, "Aunt" Kate. I am sure it was well-intentioned.

Actually, I should be thrilled to be remembered at all. But, unlike me, my godmother had possessed what might be called panache and could carry off a baker's dozen of any odd combo of bobbles, some of which would've made Liberace blanch, and she'd still managed to look alluring.

She would've had him, the guy, my guy, my dream, Edward, eating out of the palm of her bejeweled hand.

The ring rested in the palm of my hand and I tilted it back-and-forth watching the crystals catch the light of the side table lamp. Four stone shamrocks sprouted up out of a patch of two dozen clear stones. When tilted under the light each facet reflected a dreary kaleidoscope of brunette and pale skin.

And therein was the gist of it: I was uncomfortable wearing it. It was enormous. It drew attention. And I didn't want be seen.

It was the ring of a woman who goes after what she wants. It belonged on the finger of someone who didn't let opportunity pass, who made the most of life. There was no way it fit me.

Wearing that ring was a step so far outside my comfort zone, I wasn't sure I'd be able to find my way back.

…………

(1 week prior to present action)

I remembered earlier in the week when Rose had swayed in front of the full length mirror that covered most of the inside of my closet door.

"Bella, don't you think those sparkly little emerald shamrocks would look fantastic up against it?" She'd curtseyed for good measure. The hanger had been stretched over her head like a necklace and yards of the deepest green silk cascaded down to skim the front of her ankles.

"I highly doubt that they're real emeralds," I had said. "Don't you have anything else I could borrow? Something less, I don't know…"

"Less what? Less dressy? Less gorgeous?" Rose had continued to admire herself in the mirror. Set off by the dark fabric, her skin was so fair it was nearly translucent. She quickly twisted her impossibly white hair up and held it there. Either she'd been bleaching it her whole life or she was one step shy of albino.

"Less 'dress,' maybe." I sighed. "We work at a call center not… well, I don't know where. Not any place grand."

That was a compromise with small town life; the types of jobs available were definitely limited. An English degree had helped to get a decent office job, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted. It wasn't what would've made me happy. _As always, I learned to settle. _It became a choice between moving to a larger area to teach literature and leave my dad all alone, or hang around here and bide my time until some nearby college professors saw fit to either retire or expire.

I knew I was being pointlessly stubborn about the dress, but I went on, "A new blouse and khakis have always been good enough before. I really don't give a tiny, shiny, rat's hiney that there are people flying in from corporate this year."

That wasn't entirely true. It was always important to project the appropriate image at work. Plus, there was someone coming in that I allowed myself to hope to impress on some level, or at least not scare off entirely. The problem was this was a little more image, a lot more projecting, than had been called for before. I found my mind wandering to the people flying in. Well, to one particular person flying in. My candidate for latest distraction, because being distracted from dwelling on what had happened (or not happened, depending upon how one looked at it) with Edward was how I got through the day. It was how I got through life.

Rose continued her prancing, but now alternated between pulling the garment around her hourglass hips and simulating heels by balancing on the balls of her feet.

She looked like an amalgamate of debutante, prima donna, and pole dancer. I heard myself groan.

There was no way I could attempt to wear heels without kissing the floor tiles goodnight at some point during the festivities. "Moan all you want, Bella, but you are going to look like a dream. Gorgeous Corporate Guy's wet dream."

"Oh, I think you're the one dreaming here." I turned away from her to focus on anything else, and tried to give myself as long as possible to wipe the image of Rose almost modeling the dress before I confronted the horribleness of what the dress looked like on my own body.

It wasn't so much the dress but the color. If I was being honest with myself – _a highly overrated practice _– the dress was beautiful. Beyond beautiful. I was grateful Rose was even willing to loan it out.

Mostly, I wanted to tell her that something less green would be great. I knew it was silly, but I'd sworn off all things green years ago.

Green was Edward's favorite color.

I had known it since I'd first met him, first fallen for him, well over 10 years ago. He'd sat in the bleacher row behind me at the football stadium; the collar of a deep green shirt had poked out from under his jacket. It matched the peridot stone in the class ring he wore and the deep green sports car I later saw him cruise around in when he wasn't in that silver Volvo. The green car, whatever it was, looked exotic, looked like Edward.

When I was younger, I couldn't understand why he'd chosen a stodgy Volvo for an everyday car. Not many people had the finances to have a choice, but his family did.

Now, my crush was over a decade old and going strong. _Huge chunk of my life. My life _–_ spent clamoring for the same impossible dream. _It hadn't always been just a crush; we'd actually dated briefly a couple of years ago. All too briefly. One single weekend and then he'd nicely, maddeningly politely, broken it to me. Broken me. _Don't blame him. I wasn't exactly thrilling. Be grateful for what I got._

From the day I'd met Edward, I'd felt like I was waiting for him, waiting for my real life to begin.

I'd waited, then I'd gotten in touch with just-how-utterly-out-of-my-painfully-average league Edward was.

That sad realization allowed me to go through the motions and not miss out on the important rites of passage in life: prom, sex, marriage…divorce. _Yay, Divorce! _Divorce really was the best of the lot. I'd coasted through relationships and even a marriage in some kind of emotional stasis while he'd been with someone else.

It seemed like a dream when he'd asked me out a couple years ago. Two days later, he woke me up from that dream. _He was just probably waxing nostalgic about his teen years. Or I was convenient. _I had shunned all things green after that night when we met in the parking lot after he'd finished his shift.

……….

(February 15, 2008 – 2 years ago)

"I don't have any reason to break things off with you. I know this must seem crazy. I mean," Edward had paused and jangled the keys he was staring at apparently hoping that they would give him some guidance, "we get along great. I always knew we would. But Tanya just keeps calling. She keeps calling and, I mean… my family set us up such a long time ago… everyone expects us to work out… so… it seems like we have unfinished business."

"Yeah." I had kept looking out through the windshield of his Volvo and across the darkened, rain slick parking lot. I wanted to ask him if he'd been happy those years. I wanted to say that if business hadn't managed to get into order in that much time maybe it wasn't ever going to be.

I couldn't find words. It went beyond being speechless, it was like my mind ceased to access where I stored words. It felt as if my Fairy Godmother had repossessed my dress and shoes on the way to the ball. _Stupid, fucking sadist Fairy Godmother. _

While I'd tried to form a response appropriate for the moment, Edward had reached over as though he'd meant to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear, but I felt myself shift toward the side window. _Don't let him touch you. Don't let him see how it makes you feel. Salvage some pride here, woman._

Lit in an olive hue from the latest Volvo's dashboard glow, I couldn't avoid his face, which was now mutely reflected on the glass of every window. It was the first time I hadn't wanted to look at him. Ever.

………

**Timeline for the events of Chapter 1:**

1999 – Junior Year – Bella & Edward meet at a game

February 2008 – Edward breaks up with Bella after 2 days together


	2. Chapter 2 Retrophilia

**Chapter 2 - Retrophilia**

(Present)

Now that I'd found the ring, I knew I needed to get up off the floor and start getting ready.

Still, as I looked at the ring nestled in the palm of my hand, I couldn't force myself to quit going over things in my mind.

I felt a pull to succumb and think about those sacred, painful things I'd worked so hard to suppress. My stomach was rolling. The yearning, the hollow feeling, the missing piece of me… _him. _I shook my head in an effort to push those memories back into the part of myself that had them in lockdown.

Instead of coming back to the present, I only got as far as last week. I found myself thinking about the dress fitting with Rose. Odd. It wasn't a momentous occasion. _What was so special about that day?_

A swathe of silky fog had swallowed me as Rose worked me over during the fitting session. The dress, hanger and all, went over my head like a noose.

"Hey, girl, where's your head?" Rose said as she began to fasten the dress.

I glanced at myself in the mirror. On Rose, the gown had looked like Big Band glamour.

On me? It looked like the flayed Kermit pelt.

"I can't do it." I sighed.

"Bull. You can and you will. We're getting ready together and you're not gonna deprive me of doing a make-over on you for the first time since junior prom. Plus, you owe it to me after signing us both up for fucking party clean-up duty behind my back. So you've accomplished your objective; you'll be changed back into your beloved pants in no time."

"You know I volunteer to clean up all the time."

"It's either to get outta the dress or to make sure I can't go home with anyone." Rose narrowed her eyes.

"That, too." My reflection smiled at Rose from the mirror.

I had to hike the dress up four inches in an effort to find my feet. "It's so gr…"

"Green? Oh. My. _God_. I cannot take another Ed-a-thon." Rose waved her hands and shook her head. "I love ya, and I wouldn't recognize you if you weren't thinking about him, but you have _got_ to get over it. He's engaged."

She had walked back over to me and began smoothing the dress out and checking the hem that pooled around my bare feet. "He was single nearly the whole time you were married and you don't see him dwelling on ancient history. Don't let it affect the rest of your life."

I forced myself to smile at her again. Rose was abrasive and pushy, and shockingly often considering I still managed to hang out with her, embarrassing to be around.

I wasn't sure if I even liked her, but I did love her.

"My obsession might be your fault. If you hadn't been dragging me around while you stalked his brother I never would've met him."

"Stalked?" Rose clutched her chest in feigned offense. "We didn't call it 'stalking' back then. It was pursuing. How else was I supposed to get together with a guy when we didn't have the same classes? And Big Brother Emmett wasn't exactly complaining about said stalking once he was in the backseat… if you know what I mean."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I always know what you mean." Some fuzz had become entangled in the black velvet ribbon that encircled the gown's Empire waist and I began scratching at it. She had a point. Her stalking efforts had paid off.

"Too bad you didn't do the same thing with ol' Eddie-pooh, because if he's anything like his brother, then there would be some justification for all this obsessing," she said.

I shrugged, hoping that would seem dismissive rather than revealing. _I don't think it is Edward's prowess that is at issue._

The complete and unabridged history of Edward and myself was not something I'd shared with anyone. I barely let myself think about it. I mean, honestly, how does one casually mention something pathetic like that? I can just imagine: _Hey Rose, guess what? I finally went out with him! You'd be so proud of me, because I seized the moment and even slept with Edward Cullen! But, hey, can you bring over a vat of ice cream? Why? Because I must truly suck the hind tit in bed. He already dumped me and went back to his old girlfriend before I could even call you to giggle about it." _Shudder.

Rose was oblivious to my mood. She began fanning herself exaggeratedly, no doubt reminiscing about backseat sexcapades past. "Besides, I have never understood how two people as quiet as you both could hook up anyway. Neither of you spoke a dozen words that first day at the game. I can just imagine the thundering silence when you ended up working together. You need to focus your energies on the here-and-now. On Jake. He is so into you."

I had to agree with her about the quietness, in a way. When we met, Edward had given me a crooked smile every time I'd been brave enough to turn around on that bleacher seat. Intense green eyes and burnished copper penny hair. He was so good looking, it was unreal. Unnatural.

……….

(Fall 1999 – Junior Year – High School)

When the game had ended, moving so close to me I couldn't focus, and in a voice that somehow sounded like warm, sweet coffee, he'd simply said, "I'll see you later, Bella." No formal pleasantries about being nice to meet me. No crass jokes or innuendo like the guys all around him usually slung around with Rose egging them on. Just the simple assurance he'd see me again.

Then he disappeared to wherever demigods go afterhours.

In fairness to us both, there wasn't much call for talking with Rose around; she could manage to discuss any subject with supreme confidence. Correct facts often eluded her, but Rose was confident as Hell.

I was always quiet and had no dates. I spent most of my time alone. It's not like I was hideous, but I was plain.

Edward ran in a crowd. The Crowd. A collection of the beautiful, the talented, and the wealthy that, as I could only know via their reputation due to no hands-on experience, spent every weekend partying. And some school nights. And summer. And holidays. Maybe lunch breaks.

He was always reported to have a (no doubt exquisite) mysterious out-of-town girlfriend. Edward Cullen didn't shop local.

……….

(One week prior – at dress fitting)

Rose was tapping her foot, no doubt awaiting some response to her Jake endorsement. I cast a sideways glance toward Rose. "Jake's too young. He doesn't live here. And he gives off a gamer vibe to boot."

Rose looked like I had just handed her keys to the Mac counter after hours. "Ha! You didn't deny it. You think Jake's into you, too!"

I felt my cheeks getting warmer. I could imagine Rose pulling some crap to "help" me hook up with Jake during the party. _Ugh._

I'd endured enough teleconferences with corporate to know exactly how handsome Jake was, how muscular he was, how hot he was. _Oh, why… why do I always have to hitch my dull star to the brightest ones in the sky?_

Still, I couldn't help notice that, even after seeing me on those same calls, he still managed to speak with me the most. He still managed to flirt with me in a way that even I couldn't deny was definitely flirting.

I bent at the waist and tried to mash and rearrange my tiny breasts to fill out the top of the dress. I exhaled a deep sigh as I straightened back up.

The party would be the first night Jake and I would meet face-to-face and I knew I should be excited. There was some potential there. Potential for what, I wasn't sure. I also wasn't excited, either. Well, I was excited, or at least as excited as I ever seemed to get over these things. It was like something was broken in me, I was never going to run right.

Rose spun me around a couple times and smiled approvingly. "You know, it doesn't look half bad on your sweet, boobless ass."

"Gee, thanks." I think I might have actually strained an eye muscle rolling them so far back in my head. I wasn't entirely boobless. I mean, not Keira Knightly-esque. Of course, if I had breasts like Rose's, I would've strapped some silver platters to my chest.

"They don't all make their women into Warcraft widows, you know," she said.

"One's enough," I said. My ex hadn't been able to pry his fingers off a keyboard long enough to go to work much less wash a dish. He'd gone through five jobs, most of them part timers, in less than two calendar years.

"Bella, aren't you blowing it out of proportion a bit?" Rose's voice took on the familiar tone that let me know she was enjoying ribbing me. After getting down on her knees, Rose had begun to fold under the hemline and pin it in place. "I mean, have some perspective. It's not like that was the worst thing about him."

Despite having placed a few pointy stick pins between her clenched teeth she continued to remind me of what a stupid decision I had made in marrying Tyler. "He always knew what buttons to push with you. Just relentless, you know? Well, of course you know, since he kept hammering at you until you broke down and married him. And then you supported his lazy ass."

I thought about what Rose said but didn't completely agree with her about the ex-husband. The rounds of snooze-inducing sex were regrettable. But sex wasn't even the capstone.

No, the most annoying habit he'd had was breathing.

Always with the breathing.

……….

(Present)

Now, the day of the party, minutes ticking by, I sat on the floor with a fifteen pound ring in my hand and my borrowed dress hanging off the corner of the closet door, mocking me. It had been there since dress alterations were completed three days ago but I couldn't be bothered to try it on. For the first time, I noticed that it really was almost the same shade as the shamrocks in the ring.

I looked away from the ring to the clock. In less than two hours Rose would be there to start doctoring me up, but I'd exhausted so much time looking for the ring I still hadn't managed to gather everything on Rose's List-o-Shit-to-make-Bella-not-so-Bella.

I didn't even have nail polish. I put the ring in the jeans pocket that didn't hold my cell phone and cash and headed out. It would be just like me to lose it while digging around to answer an incoming call. Though I didn't relish admitting I'd procrastinated this long, I called Rose and begged her to meet me at the store to help pick stuff out.

Rose let out a bored sigh. "God knows, I'll be right there or you'll end up with Suntan hose or some shit."

One of the saddest things about living in podunk Washington, though there were plenty from which to choose, was never being able to leave the house without bumping into someone or something that jammed memories down my throat like old, dry gum pried from the underside of a desk.

I wound up working with people I'd known since moving here in high school, couldn't drive across town without seeing the spot where I went on my first date, and I couldn't shop anywhere but the town's single department store because there was no place else. No place except a grocery store, but everything there cost half-again as much, so affording it on small-town wages was impractical.

I walked past the glassy-eyed greeter, made straight for the women's department, dodged my old gym teacher, and doubled back past electronics toward Health and Beauty Aids. If I walked the long way around the office supplies, which sat squarely between the camcorders and lipstick, I could avoid the pharmacy area altogether.

It was vital that I avoid the damned pharmacy.

I'd navigated the store with that prime directive countless times since Edward had called it off. As I rounded an aisle of DVDs, I caught sight of Rose with a nail polish bottle jutting out between each pair of fingers. Not unlike Freddy Krueger. Rose was beckoning me to walk directly toward her. Directly in front of the pharmacy.

In front of him.

Edward's father was a doctor. Most people thought he would follow in his footsteps, and I suppose in a way he did, in as much as a pharmacist was healthcare related. I used to see his dad, Carlisle, frequently when I was younger and clumsier. It had been a long time since I engaged in anything remotely risky, so the emergency room was no longer my home away from home. Edward, on the other hand, I saw all the time.

It was as if he'd picked the one job where I would see him, but not interact with him, on a regular basis. If I thought I mattered to him at all, I'd say he was trying to torture me.

I remembered the day, back in school, when I'd first heard he wanted to be a pharmacist.

……….

(Spring 2000 – Junior year – High School)

"He probably only wants to be one for the easy access." Jessica had bounded over to our lunch table with the news of Edward's plans that she'd heard at a career day event.

"Huh?" I wasn't sure what she was getting at.

"You know, the drugs. Oh, come on Bella. All that crowd does is get drunk and stupid. It's a no brainer."

"That's not very nice," I'd said.

Not exactly a stellar defense for the love of my life.

But I recalled looking out at Edward's empty car later in the school parking lot and wondering if I really knew much about the driver. By then, we'd worked together at the diner for six months; but, I didn't know him in his element.

I mean, I'd never partied. Whenever a party was mentioned, I pictured the scene at Jake Ryan's house in _Sixteen Candles_. That seemed like a ridiculous thing to do - to trash somebody's house and get your hair sheared off because everyone was too drunk to even open the door your hair was shut in. I suppose I was envious, but I tried very hard to convince myself they were being foolish.

I was still looking at the Volvo when Rose and my favorite friend Alice walked up behind me. "Maybe someone can fill a prescription for Bella's raging Cullen Fever." Rose practically shouted and Alice smacked her for me. I wanted to crawl inside my backpack. _If I dump out all the books, surely I can squeeze into the big pocket…_

"Maybe it's an injection in your ass." Rose's face beamed her satisfaction in achieving a record level of mortification for me._ Maybe if I get rid of the pencils I can at least get in past my shoulders. I could always shove the pencils in Rose's larynx before she says more…_

"God, Rose! Knock it off!" Alice smacked Rose's arm again after at least a dozen people turned toward us. It was kind of odd to see statuesque Rose get thwacked in the arm by a spritely Alice's tiny mouse fists.

"There's no call for that crap." Alice walked over to me and put her hands on my forearms, willing me to look up from the ground. "It's okay, Bella. You'll have the last laugh." I felt myself smile slightly as a byproduct of her enthusiasm. We started toward my truck so I could drop her off at her house.

Alice kept hold of my arm encouragingly. "You two are soulmates. I know it."

"Who's Bella's soulmate?" We both stopped as if someone had turned the music off mid-song. _Oh please now, forces of good in this world, I am going to turn around now and I am begging… nay, pleading, IMPLORING… that that tense voice is not emanating from the throat of the person I think it is. You hear me forces? Pleading here._

Alice and I turned around in unison to see Edward flanked by the usual Jasper and brother Emmett. _Forces? I hate you, too. _Edward's brow was furrowed. All I could think was that he must have heard the entire exchange and he did not appreciate it. _Ass injections, indeed. _

"Her truck," Alice said too enthusiastically. "Bella and her truck. They are a force of nature."

Edward was wearing faded jeans and a black tee shirt. The line of definition in his shoulder peaked out under the edge of the shirt sleeves. The line tensed and shifted as he raked his long fingers through his hair.

Emmett, a hulk of a guy and the main reason our football team went to state every year, scratched the back of his neck absentmindedly. "There is nothing natural about that hunk of junk. Probably need an injection just for touching it." _Oh, god, did they really hear the whole thing? Was that a coincidence?_

Jasper laughed and said, "Single-handedly punching a new hole in the ozone."

"You'd know all about using your single hand to reach your own O-zone, Jazz." Emmett laughed so hard at himself it looked like he might pee. I forced myself not to groan.

Edward looked at me in the oddest way for moment. It wasn't a lost look or even a discovery.

He was picturing something.

Then he shook his head like he was trying to clear it. I just stood there mutely, as was so often the case.

"Hey, are you closing tonight?" Edward dropped his voice slightly and leaned away from the guys.

Or toward me, however you want to look at it. I was going with toward me.

I nodded my head a couple of times. Because I am a dork.

Edward gave me a crooked smile and turned to lead the guys away.

Alice and I got into the truck and were halfway to her place before either of us spoke.

"Well, _that_ was awkward." Alice looked like she might laugh or cry or both. I didn't want to say anything to make her feel badly since I knew she had to be feeling similar to myself. She'd had a crush on Jasper for a while by then.

"It's not that I'm not grateful, I am. But, Alice, seriously? My truck? This thing?" As if it heard me, the old Chevy's engine sputtered.

Alice snickered. "Hey, it was the best I could do in the moment. Can you imagine the look on Edward's face if I told him the truth?" She began laughing in her soft, melodic way.

"The truth?! Alice, as much as I value you, I don't think that you having the opinion that Edward is my soulmate puts it in the 'Fact' category."

She just swung her feet back and forth off the truck bench. "Someday. You'll see."

Good thing nobody was betting on Alice.

……….

(Present)

"C'mon, let me see the ring," said Rose. She was different than me.

I envied her ability to stand mere feet from him and not experience Edward Effect.

My heart was thumping as if I had run a mile. Every cell was humming. My ears may have even swollen shut.

Rose's arm stretched out and her hand flexed in a way that communicated "Gimme Gimme."

I pushed my fist into my pocket and pulled out the ring and shoved it on. Rose squealed in delight and practically climbed me to get a better look, ooing and ahhing.

While Rose squeezed my hand and ogled the ring, I noticed a man ogling Rose. It was Eric from accounting and, wow, he was not subtle. He was staring toward her ass. Then Rose moved. But his gaze didn't. _What the… he is staring at me?_ _Why on earth would any male stare at me when Rose's butt was aimed right at them?_ We needed to leave. The man was clearly deranged.

"Ow!" I snapped as Rose twisted my ring finger to hold up next to polish bottles.

"Sorry," she said. I wrenched my hand away and slid off the ring to hand her.

When I looked up, Eric was gone.

I could clearly see Edward clicking away at a terminal behind the tall pharmacy counter. For a second, his eyes darted in my direction, then back at the screen. I shivered.

Why the hell couldn't he have had started to bald a few years ago like some of the guys I'd went to high school with? Maybe I wouldn't be so, so… whatever I was about him if he looked more like Captain Picard. _No, maybe, not. Picard's kinda hot. Oh, gawd, ugh. Gah. It has been way too long. _

Instead, his burnished penny-colored hair was in all its disheveled glory behind the prescription counter nearly every time I had to go buy paper towels or batteries. A constant reminder of my inability to let of go of a fantasy.

For me, filling prescriptions was a balancing act: normal, non-embarrassing ones would go to him; feminine issues went straight to the expensive hospital pharmacy. You can't put a price on not having the man of your dreams associate unbaked bread with your naughty bits.

Rose might have been talking. She was standing right next to me. But I could see Edward beyond her if I tilted my head to the side slightly. _Shit, I swear I can smell him._ He had on a white lab coat with a green button-down shirt that suited his complexion. _What the fuck doesn't suit his complexion? Nada. Well, maybe purple… _

He was nearly too perfect. Nearly. His skin never seemed to completely lose its glow even under fluorescent tube lights. He was practically iridescent. It looked as if his skin glowed from within, or maybe, light refracted off him. _Holy crap, Bella. You make him sound like a disco ball. _

He would've hated to hear it, but I thought the same thing I had always thought when I saw him: Beautiful.

……….

**Timeline:**

1999 -2000/01 - High school - Bella moves to Forks to live with her father -B & E Never dated in high school - but many encounters

1999 - Late August junior year: Football game where Edward and Bella meet (chapter 1)

2000 Spring - Junior year: Career Fair where it is learned that Edward wants to be a pharmacist (chapter 2)

2006 - Bella marries Tyler (mentioned chapter 1)

2007 - Bella Divorces Tyler (mentioned chapter 1)

2008 - The Big Weekend of Edward & Bella (break-up chapter 1)

2010 - Present action


	3. Chapter 3 New Leaf

**A/N: **At a point in this chapter, Bella recalls her first night working at the diner with Edward and other events during high school. She introduces what she is remembering within the text of the story narrative, so I have not included a parenthetical note about the timeframe for that flashback; there simply didn't seem to be either a good place or a need for it. (And it bugged me when I jammed it in there)

**Chapter 3 – New Leaf**

A voice over the loudspeaker announced a half-off-the-clearance-price special on Valentine's Day decorations. Rose held the ring up and compared polish shades.

"It's either this one or this one." Rose held the two bottles up like she was waving in planes. "I vote for the pearly one. It brings out your skin's undertones. Hey, it looks like that sweater. The one I gave you last year. You should wear that more, because you look great in that."

"You're the expert. You pick," I said. I craned to look around Rose even more. Near the pharmacy register, I could still see Edward. He appeared to be explaining medicine to a young mother.

"I did. Now you get to pick from these." Rose began replacing the extra polishes (most of them even in their right spots) down the aisle.

"I don't see what the big deal is," I said. "The ring is green and white. What difference does the shade of polish make? Pink is pink."

"That's what guys say!" Rose hooted and handed the ring back to me. After all these years, Rose's antics rarely bothered me. The ring went back on my finger.

I was about to say that I liked the matte one when I noticed Edward was looking in my direction.

Looking at me.

And smiling.

"Rose, let's go. Now."

We grabbed the few other items we needed quickly. In the checkout line, Rose nudged me and motioned toward the butt of the guy in front on us.

I couldn't play along. I was far too busy noticing that the man in a line beside us was staring at me. It was not a lecherous and salivating survey like Eric's had been. It was a look of appreciation. I felt my cheeks warm and a smile begin to pull on the corners of my mouth. This was no bored construction worker happy to whistle at anything; he was a man in a rather nice navy suit and he was visually appraising me. Even with Rose right there.

The man showed no signs of stopping though he'd noticed that I saw him. It looked like he may have begun to mentally undress me. I motioned my head toward Rose as if to say _I think what you're looking for is right over here, sir._ He smiled politely, cleared his throat, and appeared as though he was going to focus on the line. I caught him turning toward me a few more times as the line tortoised its way forward.

It was very strange to me, as I felt no one really ever noticed me. Men noticed me even less after I'd started wearing glasses a few years ago. Years of heavy, late night reading had taken their toll.

I was rather comfortable with anonymity, which is one of the reasons I was dreading having Rose fix me up for the night. Rose was not a blend-in type of gal. I feared I was going to get made up that way, too.

Then, it occurred to me that I wasn't made up at all right now. I had on jeans, glasses, and no make-up. But this man was clearly noticing me and enjoying the view. After I finished paying, I threw a quick smile in his direction and made for my truck.

Rose drove in front of me on the way to my house. The ride back was quiet. Too quiet. Usually, I played music and focused on it. Today, unfortunately, I'd been in a hurry and left my iPod at home. The local radio station's current format was only slightly preferable to waterboarding; I could not distract myself from my thoughts.

Coming down off the high of seeing Edward was always demanding. Typically, I would distract myself for a period of time and the anxious jitters would ebb away almost unnoticed. No such luck today.

Edward smiling at me warmly was not unusual, even now. Those smiles! They had always threatened to be my undoing. With a couple of years practice, I'd gotten rather successful in avoiding Edward and his smiles. If I failed and we caught sight of one another, he was always pleasant. Warm.

It was maddening.

And, perhaps more maddening, I had to admit that he couldn't win in my mind no matter what he did. If he was nice, as I desperately wanted him to be because these moments were all had had of him, I had no hope of getting over him.

If he were to be a gigantic prick and tell me that he never cared and that I was a fool to ever think so, if he could have said we were no good for one another, maybe I'd have been able to move on. Maybe.

But he was gentle when he'd broken up with me. He was unfailing kind when we saw one another. He'd promised to always say a 'hi' and try reign in the awkwardness.

_Hi._

Oh, the irony of it.

Back in high school, almost I could manage to say to him when we'd worked together at the diner was "Hi."

When he'd arrived at work, I'd say "Hi." When I'd open the swinging door to the kitchen, carrying stacks of dirty plates, and our eyes would meet, "Hi" fell right out of my mouth. Taking out the trash? That got a "Hi," too.

Poor Edward got a good and proper greeting from me an average of a half dozen times per shift.

And I had made sure there were as many shifts together as possible. Money was tight at my dad's house. My moving back in, when he'd been on his own since mom had left with me years ago, didn't really help matters.

I don't know if Carlisle had been conducting some sort of social experiment and was forcing the Cullen brothers to get jobs, but when Edward had walked into the diner's backroom and tied that apron around his waist for the first time – there are no words.

Well, no… actually, there are words:

_What the…_

_Is that?_

_Ohmygodohmygodohmygod_

_Pretty!_

_Hair!_

_Butt!_

Did you know that an apron can perfectly frame an ass? It can. I promise. It's all plain and white and boring and then, like curtains going up on full-scale Broadway production, it parts and - _voilà folks_ - we have ass.

Edward walked to the sinks, still tying the apron taut across his waist. He wore the same white t-shirt as the rest of the staff; it didn't look the same on him. The fabric moved with his arms and displayed the contours of his back. The shirt disappeared under his apron and emphasized the difference between his chest and his abdomen.

"Hey, Bella," he said. He was at the sink surveying bus tubs of dirty dishes. He didn't turn around as he spoke. "Are there always so many?"

I continued to stand there. I mean, what was he doing at the diner? His family didn't even eat the Forks Diner. The Cullens had money. Not simply enough-to-pay-the-bills money. Serious money. Edward had two freaking cars for pity's sake.

"Do you think I should just start in on them? Should I wait for James to show me around?" Edward extended his right arm and gingerly lifted a ketchup stained plate by the corner. His mouth skewed. He looked a bit nauseous.

I grabbed an order pad from the stack and put it in the pocket of my apron as I stepped to the sink where Edward stood. I reached up and grabbed the sprayer that was attached to the sink with the garbage disposal and began spraying off a plate. With the plate mostly rinsed, I reached across him – trying not to rub my arm on his chest but failing splendidly – and placed it on the edge of the other sink where we would actually wash the dishes.

I turned slightly toward Edward to see if I had been clear. He was looking at me instead of the dishes. _Of course he's looking at you, you dolt. How often do you suppose he runs across people who can't talk? Say something!_

"Hi."

Edward gave a short laugh. "Hi, Bella." He took the sprayer from my hand. I felt my cheeks get warmer, but I managed a smiled back, and then bolted for the kitchen door.

Waiting tables that night was a disaster. I'd worked at the diner for a few weeks by then and knew the system well. The other primary evening server, Angela, had been there several months and could carry an impossible number of plates on her arms. Being awkward by nature, I had normally found it better to run back and forth with no more than two plates when delivering orders. I'd also learned to inquire about all desired condiments well in advance and drop them off before orders came up. But with Edward in the backroom ever y single time I had to come charging through to get stuff, my concentration suffered. Well, my concentration on orders suffered.

At one point my boss, James, pulled me aside. "Bella," he said, "you're killing me here. Table 4's onion rings never went out. Now, it looks like salads are going to go out with the entrees to your 6-top."

I knew I was distracted. I had never missed things like that before. But every time I went near Edward my pulse started to race and I lost focus. He might be dutiful clanging dishes around in the metal sink or trying to figure out the giant table-mounted can opener, but our eyes would always meet. His eyes would sparkle. And, immediately, I couldn't make myself give two figs about missing onion rings.

"Sorry, James. I'll get it together," I said. I really meant it, too. I was going to make squat in tips and possibly scare off customers.

James huffed and turned back to the grill. "See that you do."

I only had about two hours left in my shift by the time James talked to me, but the remainder went much better. I held my focus and Angela, sensing my struggle on some level, offered to help me carry out the larger orders all at once. I delivered her condiments and other things in exchange.

As she hung up her apron when her shift ended, Angela approached me. "Bella?"

"Hey, Angela. Thanks for the help tonight. I don't know what my problem was."

"No biggie. I think maybe we should do that more often. But, I wanted to ask you something," Angela dropped her voice. I nodded for her to continue, curious where this was going.

"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come over next Saturday night." She looked around to see if anyone was listening. I couldn't really understand why she seemed secretive. What could she have to hide? Angela was very sweet and the daughter of a local pastor. "I'm having a party."

Oh. _Oh._

"I, uh, I…" Angela partied? That didn't make sense.

I must have looked terrified because a look of realization flashed over Angela's face. "Oh, not that kind of party," she almost whispered. "Just DVDs and too much sugar and pop."

"Okay. Sure. I'd love to." I realized that I meant it, too.

"Great!" She looked genuinely pleased. "I've been meaning to have one for such a long time, but it seems like most people want to party like a Cullen. That's just not me. I suppose that's terribly uncool of me, huh?"

It was my turn to laugh. "No comment. Especially since I just agreed to go."

Angela smiled, but her face hinted at concern. "Bella, I'm not the sort of person who cares what other people think." I knew she was referring to her whispering. She continued, "It's just that I don't put it past some people to give me grief about not wanting to kill off all my brain cells before taking the SAT. I don't want to deal with it."

It occurred to me that Angela probably wouldn't have been talking in hushed tones if she'd asked me before Edward had started working there. The thought made me a bit sad for them both.

I truly liked Angela and the thought of spending some time with her was surprisingly appealing. "No worries, Angela. I am all about sock hops and milkshakes."

"I think you just inspired my next New Year's Eve party!" Angela waved goodbye and headed out to her car.

The rest of the night was quiet, with few customers and fewer orders than usual; mostly a few old timers sat around needing pie and bottomless coffee refills. James disappeared into the back to do paperwork. The diner was quiet except for the local radio station playing in the background and what must have been Edward banging around pots and pans has he worked through all the dishes. During the downtime, I busied myself topping of the shakers and ketchup in effort to shave as much time as possible off the work to do after close.

At 10 o'clock, James pulled the chain on the "OPEN" sign and locked up. "Bella," he turned to me and walked over to where I was sanitizing a booth seat. "Do you mind helping out in back when you're done? I don't think the new guy's got a clue. Hasn't mopped yet and there's still a shit ton of dishes."

James was not the best supervisor, to put it mildly. He was like the father bird that let his baby chicks jump out of the nest and either fly or go splat. I doubted he had given any guidance to Edward. Plus, I had a hard time imagining that Edward had much experience with chores at the Cullen family mansion.

I nodded to James and finished up the last of the tables and booths. My hands were pruned from the bleach water and I felt the end of the day begin to wear on me. I was too tired to care about the wrinkles, so I placed both my hands on my neck and stretched my sore muscles as best I could as I walked back to the sinks. I twisted and bent from one side to the other. I heard myself moan.

I must have closed my eyes, too, because they flew open when I heard a small gasp. The first thing I was saw was Edward. He was looking at me and holding a stack of dripping plates to his chest.

"Hi," I said and then quickly added, "I didn't mean to scare you."

Edward shook his head and began to put the dishes away. "You didn't. Um, I mean… shit… no big deal." He shifted his focus to the stack of plates and I noticed that he really didn't have that many more to go.

"Where are you at with this? I mean, you want me to finish these so you can get the floors?" I grabbed the last of the mugs and started washing.

"Sure. You don't have to, though," he said.

He placed the stack on the counter and turned to face me. His front was soaked from his shoulders clear down to the first few inches of the top of the apron around his hips. His usual disarray of hair was still messy but slicked back apparently from the numerous times he must have run his wet hands through it during the evening. The white of his shirt was now opaque and more of a sheer curtain that a garment. Every line in his upper body was on display, as was every color. A smattering of dark hair was visible from below the collar of his shirt and between his pecs. The warm rose of his nipples matched his lips. As if one location might feel exactly the same as the other. _Girls can notice a guy's nipples, right? Because I sure am. _I was noticing all sorts of things I had never noticed before.

I felt a something close to a shiver in places of my body that were definitely not cold.

"That's okay. Nothing better to do," I said. I turned my face back to the sink and began to scrub furiously all the while hoping he might not be able to tell that my eyes were bugging out of my head.

"Nothing better than this? Wow. That is sad." I could tell from his tone he was grinning, then I heard him walk to the mop closet and start the water.

Within a few minutes I had finished the dishes and Edward had mopped most of the backroom. James came back and gave as close to a look of approval as he ever did.

"Not bad guys. I feared we might still be here when the breakfast crew came in," James held the deposit bag in his hand and leaned on the prep table. Edward mopped around James's feet and kept his head down.

Was Edward feeling self conscious? It was hardly fair of James to mock someone on their first night. I drained the water and wiped down the sink.

"Oh, James, this is nothing. Remember my first close? We were here forever." I draped the towels over the edge of the sink to dry. Edward kept mopping silently but I might have caught his gaze fall in my direction for a moment.

"True, that was a record-breaker," James said. "Hey, Cullen, you think you'll be done in ten?"

"Yeah." Edward slopped the water around on the floor and began on the dining room. I moved around the few items that Edward had put in the wrong spots and made a mental note to keep my act together around him long enough next time to show him where things went.

Almost precisely ten minutes later, Edward dumped out the mop water and James switched off all the lights. James then walked to the front door to unlock it let and me out. "Wait up Cullen, I need to give you your schedule," he called back and turned the key in the lock.

Edward rushed through the swinging door into the dining room. He looked flushed. "I'm here now," he said. He walked up behind me and I felt my breath catch.

James fished around in his pocket, brought out a slip of paper and handed it to Edward. "See you two tomorrow." With that, he opened the front door and we all entered the parking lot.

James's car was nearest the door, so he was off to the bank with the deposit before Edward and I ever reached our cars.

"Doesn't that guy walk you out at night?" Edward sounded irritated. I didn't see what the big deal was. Forks only had a few thousand people and any serious issues were attributable to local wildlife. It's not like bears roamed the streets.

"Um, no. But that's okay. Nothing's gonna happen."

"What's not gonna happen is you walking out at night by yourself anymore. That lazy S.O.B. How long does it take to make sure you get to your car safely?" Edward grasped the back of my arm and I felt a current hum in my veins where his skin touched mine. We walked to the far corner of the lot where my old truck sat. A part of me wanted to object to his concern, that I was certain I could handle myself, that I would be perfectly fine. That little part of me was getting her hair pulled by the part of me that wished I had walked to work so maybe Edward would feel obliged to escort me all the way home. Touching me, of course.

Edward released my arm when we reached the truck and I instantly mourned the loss of contact. I opened the door and hopped in. Edward leaned on the open door frame. I wasn't sure what to say, but the idea of silence in the moment made me anxious.

"Thanks," I said.

"No problem, Bella. See you tomorrow night?"

"Sure."

Edward nodded as he shut my door and patted the metal frame of the truck twice. Then he turned and jogged over to his Volvo.

I watched to make sure he got in safely, too. Because it was fair. Not because watching him get into the car entailed seeing him walk away bathed in the light of the single street light. Not at all.

It wasn't until I reached the driveway of my father's house that I realized I didn't work the following night, though I had told Edward I would see him then. But, he was just being friendly, right? Then I thought of Angela, because she probably would be working the next night, and her party the following weekend. I could stop by the diner tomorrow and put in my request off for the night of her party.

I paid less attention to my classes than ever before the next day. I had no classes with Edward but I found myself scanning the halls for a glimpse of him even more than usual. Edward sighting was my chief hobby ever since the day I met him at the game. Sighting was all that I could do, really. Now that we had work in common, I'm not sure what more I hoped for. I mean, I didn't truly expect him to walk away from his friends and strike up a conversation with me. But, I had felt so connected to him the night before. I craved more, some simple acknowledgement that he knew who I was and that we shared something on some level.

Finally, I saw him at lunch. He sat with Jasper, Emmett, and the select few deemed worthy of sharing their table. Time meant nothing when I looked at Edward, so I have zero idea how long I was staring at him before I realized I was staring. As I started to look away, he turned toward me. Our eyes met and a smile stretched to his eyes. There it was. Then he turned back to the others.

But it was enough. Because it had to be.

The diner was hopping when I got there that evening. I went in through back so I could avoid the chaos on the floor. Edward was at the sinks running new, soapy water. He faced away from me and looked to be every bit as wet as he had been the night before.

I took a deep, hopefully calming breath and stepped nearer to him.

"Hey, Bella. Do you work now? I thought maybe you weren't coming." He must have heard me come in, but I had said nothing yet.

"Hi."

I mentally smacked myself in the forehead.

Edward turned around to face me and leaned back on the sink. I willed myself not to stare at his wet torso; I looked at his face instead. It was no hardship. The intensity of his green eyes always winded me.

His face was so incredible that one should only view it through a hole in a paper plate.

Even dirty and covered dish water he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

He cleared his throat. "So?"

_Has he asked me a question? Oh, yes, something about work. Why was I here? To see if they needed help? No, no, that wasn't it. To walk him to his car after close? No… Oh, yeah, time off. Why am I asking for time off? I should be asking for time on. I should work more. Every. Single. Day._

"Oh, I, um… I'm here to ask off for next Saturday," I said.

"Saturday? You got a date?" He bent his elbows back behind himself and grabbed the edge of the sink. I recognized the position as something I did to stretch out the back of my arms. He was probably sore from two days of washing and mopping since he probably hadn't done anything like it before. My instincts told me he was probably teasing me about the date, but he wasn't smiling. His arms must have been very sore.

I stifled a snort at the idea of me on a date. "No, I have a party to go to."

One of his hands slipped off the sink. He took quick steps forward until he was standing directly in front of me. He was so close I could smell the sweet mint of his breath. His head tilted slightly to the side as he searched my face for something. I felt frozen.

"But, Bella, have I seen…you don't… party… do you?"

I looked up through my lashes at him and shook my head. "It's only movies and such. Might get a sugar high."

He laughed and sighed simultaneously. "Didn't think so. Of course not." Then he shook his head and stepped back to the sink and plunged his hands in the soapy water.

I felt foolish.

"Yeah, not exactly your kind of fun."

"Of course not," he said under his breath. He might have sounded sad. Or pissed. Or both. I had either insulted him or made sure he thought I would not be interested in doing anything he did.

Then, I knew I was a fool.

By the time Edward and I worked together again two days later, the uncomfortable aura was gone. My desperation to not look like an imbecile in front of him allowed me to focus on orders better. He was much faster in the backroom now, which had its plusses and minuses. We got our sooner, but, alas, he got far less wet.

Most nights were the same: Edward in the back banging around and me waffling between finding reasons to go to the backroom and avoiding it so I wasn't too obvious. I'd fill my "hi" quota and make myself available to get walked to my truck.

There was the one night I caught Edward belting out "Roxanne" into his mop handle, but he made me swear never to mention it again.

When I got home after school on the Friday before of Angela's party, there was a message from her saying the party was postponed because her brother had the flu. I was disappointed and a bit worried about her little brother; Angela mentioned her siblings often and he sounded like a great kid.

So, it looked as though tomorrow would be another long Saturday night at home listening to dad take in whatever game was playing on the flat screen while I wore down the pages of _Sense and Sensibility_. I grabbed a water and started up the stairs to my room.

My feet thudded onto the first step as I heard Dad holler from the kitchen. "You know, Bells, I think I'm going to head out to La Push tomorrow night. They're having a big gathering. Food's supposed to be great."

Why I was surprised, I don't know. Dad was close friends with several tribe members and I knew he'd spent a great deal of time there before I'd moved back; however, this was the first time he'd mentioned going there since my arrival. "Sounds great, Dad. Have fun." I began up the stairs again.

"Bells, I was meaning maybe you'd like to come out with me, since yours plans got cancelled. Call it an early birthday celebration for you. Interested?" By now he'd rounded the corner into the room and placed his worn hand on the railing.

Was I interested? Dad knew I wasn't big on birthdays, but it wasn't really about me, so it might be fine. The only thing I had going on was a date with a book I'd read many times before. All the shifts at the diner lately left me in a state where I wasn't even used to free time anymore. I felt antsy. Suddenly, I heard myself talking. "Oh, thanks, but I think I'm probably going to head into the diner and see if they need help. The flu's going around, they may be short."

"You sure? I mean, I'm sure they appreciate the help, but you don't have sacrifice for a part time job," he said.

An image of the posted schedule flashed in my mind with Edward's name down under Saturday. "I know. But I don't mind going in, really."

_Oh yeah, I'm generous like that._

After cranking out my homework and warming a plate of leftover lasagna for Dad, I headed out to my Edward-less Friday shift at the diner. I had never minded work before he started. Now, when faced with a shift without him for the first time in over a week, I was less than enthused.

It wasn't simply that he wouldn't be there; it was that he would be somewhere else. After I first met him, he seemed more like an ethereal creature than a real person. I knew of him but did not know him. Now, I was acutely aware of the reality of him, so when he wasn't there, all the stories of his reputation became more real.

I was an efficient automaton waiting tables all night. Orders went in, orders went out. Coffee made its way into empty cups.

After what seemed like days, 11 o'clock rolled around and James locked up. I made the rounds filling the napkins and sanitizing tables. As I headed to the back to clock out, a loud pounding on the glass front window startled me.

It was Edward. Behind him, what looked like six or more people were dripping out of Emmett's Jeep.

"Bella!" Edward hit the glass again. The window shook in its frame.

"Hang on!" I called out to him. "I'll go get the keys."

When I returned with James and the keys Edward was yelling toward the Jeep and Emmett was laying on the horn. James unlocked the door without a word and I walked outside.

"Edward? What's going on?" I wasn't sure he could even hear me over the music and rowdy yelling emanating from the Jeep.

He spun around and grabbed onto both my shoulders. "Hey, Bella! There you are. I'm here to walk you to your car… erhm, truck. Yeah… walk you to your truck." He removed one hand and gestured wildly in the general direction of my truck.

Jasper appeared from the backseat of the Jeep and grabbed onto the roll bar. "Come on, man! Hurry the fuck up." A pair of bare female arms slinked around his waist and pulled him back down into the seat. Emmett hit the horn again.

Edward spun me with the hand he still had on my shoulder in a move that was probably supposed to be helpful, but I stumbled against him from the suddenness of it.

"Whoa, Lady Bella. You safe to drive?" He straightened us and marched us toward my truck.

I wasn't sure what to say. The constant cat calls and horn blasts did nothing to aid my focus. When we reached my truck, he began pulling on the handle.

"Edward, wait." I grabbed his hand in both of mine. His head swooped over to look at me. His breath was still sweet but laced with alcohol and smoke. "I have to unlock it." I let go of his hand and dug around for the key.

Emmett revved the engine. My nerves were shot. What was Edward doing here? I mean, I knew he said it was to walk me to my truck, but that was ridiculous. I didn't really need escorted in the first place. He didn't even work that night. The idea that he thought to come out here, to convince Emmett to drive him out no less, to make sure I got to my truck safely was preposterous. My shaking fingers found the key and jammed it into the lock. A second later I was in the seat and Edward was leaning against the open door frame.

"Um, thanks Edward. You really didn't have to."

"Yeah, I did. Lazy fucker just let you out, alone, into a parking lot with a vehicle full of drunk bastards waiting right there."

Well, he had a point. But, was this real? Could he really have been thinking of me while out with his friends? Thinking of me despite the fact he was clearly trashed? It seemed more likely that they were cruising around town and came across the diner by coincidence.

He made to move, but weaved and steadied himself by grabbing onto my seat cover.

"Edward, are you going to be okay? I mean, I can take you home if you want."

Emmett began to lay on the horn continuously.

Edward leaned into the cab and pressed his head into my hair. He took a few deep breaths before he spoke. "That's more than most would." He shook his head. "I'm fine. Now, get home. Nothing but trouble out this time of night." With that, he turned and jogged back to the Jeep. My ears rang long after it pulled away.

Later, I stared at the ceiling above my bed trying to process the events of the night. Why would Edward bother to drag his friends into town simply to walk me to my truck? Was it a sort of pseudo, older brother role he was taking on? Did I appear more helpless that I was? Of course, I wanted to think that he showed up because he was interested in me. Of course I did. But, there were far more logical explanations. Plus, I was right there and clearly available, yet he didn't ask me to join him. Perhaps stopping by the diner tonight had simply been a lark.

That was the first night I lost sleep over Edward Cullen.

The following Saturday night, I'd pulled into the Forks Diner parking lot next to a very shiny Volvo with a hairband in my pocket and a white-shirt on under my sweater – just-in-case they needed me. There weren't many other cars, so there was a good chance I'd be headed back home soon.

When I reached the back room, Edward was mopping up what looked to be a huge spill of chicken noodle soup. He stood with his black boots firmly placed as wide apart as his shoulders. He swung the mop back-and-forth smoothly.

"I thought you had a birthday party tonight." The rhythm of his movements remained steady.

I swallowed my "hi" and forced myself to compose what I hoped would be a coherent sentence. "It was postponed. And it was not really a birthday party."

He stopped mopping and leaned on the handle like it was a corner lamp post. "'Not really?' How can someone have a 'not really' birthday party?"

I began to straighten a stack of order pads for no reason. "Well, I mean, it was only a party. Not an occasion. I don't think the host even knows that my birthday is Monday." I hadn't even been thinking about my birthday until that moment and I wasn't even sure why I was mentioning it.

James came dashing around the corner and grabbed a pot of chili from the stove to carry up. "Bella? Didn't you ask for tonight off?"

"Yeah, my plans fell through." I was beginning to feel silly about coming here. "I thought I'd see if everything was under control, I mean, since Angela and I both have off."

"We got it," James said as he walked off, his voice straining under the weight of the full pot.

I looked back to Edward to say goodbye. He still leaned against the mop. He crooked a finger, motioning for me to walk to him.

I took a step closer. His eyes still held mine. He said nothing.

With no response from him, I found myself moving ever closer.

Finally, when I was half an arm's length away, he spoke. "I don't work again until Tuesday."

_What? What do I say to that? Good to know? Why did he want me to stand so close, on top of noodle residue no less, to share his schedule with me? Is he _mocking _me for coming tonight? _

My nerves hit me like a train and I sucked in a breath.

"Shh." With his free hand, he reached out the short distance and tucked a long curl behind my ear. "Come here. I won't see you in time to give you a birthday kiss," he whispered.

Good thing I sucked in that breath earlier, because now I wasn't able to breathe.

His head tilted and I followed his gaze as it flashed briefly down to my lips and then back up to my eyes.

_Oh, good Christ on a cracker. _

_He's serious._

"Bella?" Edward's eyes darkened in the balance of an unspoken question.

I blinked and hoped that my consent was evident on my face as I leaned in a fraction. Anything more and it would be obvious I had fallen for the joke when this turned out to be one.

His hand moved and I thought perhaps he was going to put a lock of hair behind my ear again, but he stopped short. His long fingers tangled in my hair and brushed against my neck.

The pad of his thumb pressed gently up under my chin. My face tilted up and at once his lips were on mine.

Soft, glorious pressure.

My eyes shut and all that was left in the world was Edward and the gentle force of his lips on mine.

My breath ceased and I could do nothing but take in the experience of him. The smooth skin of his lips. The brush of air along my cheek as his breath left him and played across my cheek. The slight change in tension as his fingers curled and tangled deeper within the hair that was wrapped around them. My pulse pounded and at it was all I could do to prevent a moan from seeping from me.

And then he began to move.

His lips went from stationary to soft, flutters over mine. First one pass over my upper lip, then he shifted to kiss my lower lip alone, drawing it between his own.

I could hold back the breath I'd been holding no longer; it escaped me in a sigh that parted my lips. Edward moaned in response and tilted his head further. I felt warm wetness skim across my lips and brush against the edges of my tongue. I was overwhelmed by the urge to fully taste what I knew had to be his own tongue, to completely experience whatever part of him he was willing to share with me. I pushed my tongue back against his as softly as I could. I was afraid to do more. Any more than this and it would be so obvious – if I even dared to hope it wasn't so now – that I wanted to be his, always. If I had been honest with myself, I knew I already was.

Our lips continued to press together, but I barely noticed over the sensation of our tongues slowly moving together a second time and third time. It seemed a fourth circuit was about to begin when Edward pulled back. His hand floated from my neck to my shoulder,

When my eyes opened, Edward was blinking very slowly. A lazy smile built on those lips that had been attached to my own.

_Edward Cullen just kissed me._

"Happy Birthday, Bella."

He moved and began to mop again.

……….

The shrill cell phone ring resounded throughout the cab of my truck. I flipped it open and before I could even answer Rose's voice blasted out. "Bella! What the hell? I am standing on your porch and, let me say, I have better things to do than watch you drive right past your own damned house."

"Sorry." I slowed to turn around in a nearby drive.

"Turn yourself around and get back to where you were. Good god."

……….

**Timeline:**

1999 -2000/01 - High school - Bella moves to Forks to live with her father -B & E Never dated in high school - but many encounters

1999 - Late August junior year: Football game where Edward and Bella meet (chapter 1)

1999 - Summer between sophomore and junior year: Bella begins at to work at Forks Diner. Edward starts a few weeks later. (Chapter 3)

1999 – Fall Junior year: Angela cancels party and begins calling in to work. Birthday Kiss (chapter 3)

2000 Spring - Junior year: Career Fair where it is learned that Edward wants to be a pharmacist (chapter 2)

2001/07 - They go away to college - 6 years.

It is suggested that Edward & Tanya are not together during this time. (chapter 1)

2006 - Bella marries Tyler (mentioned chapter 1)

2007 - Bella Divorces Tyler (mentioned chapter 1)

2008 - The Big Weekend of Edward & Bella (break-up chapter 1)

2010 - Present action


	4. Chapter 4 Stems & Pieces

**A/N:** This chapter involves Bella spending some time with her memories intruding into her daily life. The memories and other internal ramblings are italicized. (This may be apparent, but I want to point it out so that it doesn't confuse people needlessly.) Much of the material eludes to things she has already had a flashback of in the story, but there is a section that she is remembering which is foreshadowing something that she will flashback to in its entirety later. The feedback I've gotten thus for on this chapter has been positive – more than any other chapter, this should portray how deeply she is affected by her lost love. That being said, I don't think I will do these little broken thoughts often. I have 2 chapters I am considering doing this for, but they are far down the road.

TIMELINE IS IN THE END NOTES - there are fragmented remembrances in this chapter that would really be awkward if I noted the time within the text of the story - there is notation in the timeline IF anyone needs it.

For those of you had expressed some concerns about Edward's motivations, the whereabouts of other characters, other details: I hope that this chapter answers questions - or at least let's you see that those answers are imminent.

I wrote this prior to writing the EPOV "Quoting Frost" one-shot:

I did have more than a few requests for EPOV. Initially, I had no intention of doing multi-POV. I enjoy stories like that, truly, but I feel that the level we are able to invest in a character's emotional journey is diminished when we learn details before they do. HOWEVER, this is for fun not torture. So, you ask for EPOV, you get it. There is a sample at the end of this chapter. If people like it, I will do huge chunks (and they would be full scenes, not the style that this is.) Right now, it is really just a peak into how he thinks back on some of the pivotal moments we've had so far. (Also, let me just say, Edward sans Bella for a decade and surrounded by pills? De-press-ing. Bella got fiery. Edward... not so much)

Also, present interaction between Bella & Edward is scheduled to commence at the end of chapter 5.

Everything recognizable as Twilight-related belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

**Chapter 4 – Stems & Pieces**

Anti-wrinkle treatment.

Triple action eye enhancer.

Pore refining serum…

"Rose, exactly what is it you're planning on doing to me?" Between my fingers, I slowly spun a clear bottle of viscous fluid with tendrils of what look to be fishing line suspended in it. _What's in this? Eye of Newt?_

Rose snatched the bottle and replaced in on the kitchen countertop among the 20,000 or so other items spread out there.

"Never you mind, lady. Sit." Rose didn't wait for my compliance; she pushed my shoulders until I ended up in one of my kitchen chairs. Almost immediately, a foot bath appeared and my feet were plunked into the bubbling foam.

"This mask needs to stay on for at least ten minutes. You can rinse it off in the shower. Don't rub your face, just rinse." She smeared a scratchy green paste around my face.

When Rose had suggested getting ready together, I had ignored the warning alarms; now, I was paying for it.

All the containers and jars and gadgets – it was a collection of more cosmetic gear than I'd seen since the days of sleepovers with Alice and Rose back in high school.

The hollow smack of plastic against wood echoed through the kitchen as Rose coaxed more mask out of the tube. She slathered the last dollop onto my nose.

"Now, hold still so your face doesn't crack," she said, looking like she was enjoying my suffering a bit too much.

"I still need…"

"Hey! I said be still." Rose circled around and began to take my hair down out of its clips.

"Holy crap, your hair is getting long," Rose said as she ran a brush down to the ends, which I'm certain now skimmed the tops of my hips. "That is some serious Fuck Me Hair right there. You unleash that on Jake and I'll be cleaning the joint up all by myself tonight."

I wanted to voice a protest, but Rose would have wrung my neck. I settled for a grunt.

"Oh, relax. You deserve this. Hell, I deserve this. I'm the one that ends up looking at you." Rose laughed in that way that she could, a laugh that let me know that she was being both perfectly honest and exaggerating at the same time.

Rose left to go set out whatever scary paraphernalia she thought I might need in the shower. I had vetoed the Nads; she'd won on the Nair and the body scrub.

_Alone with my thoughts. _

_Yay._

I wanted to kick myself for allowing the vivid recollection of my birthday kiss earlier. I had worked so hard to keep that type of thing at bay. If I took the lid off, opened the box, pulled my thumb out of the dam, allowed myself to think, I would think far too much, feel too much. Sitting alone now, in the quiet, I knew what was coming; I could feel it as surely as thunder resounding in the distance.

_"Shh. Come here."_

I folded my arms across my chest, hugging myself. Deep breaths, deep cleansing breaths.

_"I won't see you in time to give you…"_

Wow, look at all the bubbles in that foot bath. What could be taking Rose?

_Soft. First my upper lip, then my lower. Pressure._

_Tension._

_Tongues._

Well, that is extraordinary; this mask has actual, crushed almond shells in it. Very environmentally sound.

_Then, later, a night of soft snow fall, moonlight through a gauze curtain. _

_"Bella, please stay. You don't have to leave." _

SPF, huh? I probably won't need to worry about sunburn at the office gathering tonight. The mask is the consistency of thin plaster now and I'm certain whatever Rose hasn't done in the bathroom I am more than capable of figuring out on my own.

_"Bella, I'm just going to lie here and face this way… away."_

List, list, I need to make a list. I need to check things off a list. Focus. Get stuff done. So, I need to shower, and then Rose will finish my makeup. I'll get dressed while she gets ready. My nails can dry while she does my hair.

_The slope of his right shoulder silhouetted against the midnight light filtered through the shade. The fabric of his t-shirt pulled slightly tighter across his back with the rise of each breath._

"Rrrroooose!" I yelled as best I could through clenched teeth. It came out sounding like an elephant's trumpet. My heart threatened to clamber from chest to my throat.

_I don't know when my hand had slivered up from beneath the blanket; I can only see its outline rise above the landscaped hills of his side, my fingers splayed like the branches of a tree at sunset, each finger carved into the night's light with more distinction than would have been noticed under the midday sun._

_He is awake. I am sure of it. _

_How long had I wanted this? Well, not this, but something similar to this, something more? So long. So very, very long. Eight years. Was it wrong to touch him after all this time? Even in this, simply to hold him, I would be settling. Hold him? To settle for this would still be more than I would ever get otherwise, a pleasant remembrance of closeness I could cling to. If he wasn't willing, what could he do at this point? Send me out into the night? Into the storm that had kept me here – or that I'd let do so – in the first place? What was the harm in holding him, in wrapping my hand around him? To sleep with the warm waves of his back against my cheek?_

_I meant to let my hand descend and touch the side of his ribs, then to graze my palm around him until it rested over his heart. I could see it happening in my mind. It was going to be fine. It was going to be okay._

_My hand makes contact with his side and his breathing hitched. In one motion the fingers of his left hand lace with mine and he rolls to face me. _

"Shower time!" Rose rounded the corner and clapped her hands together. "That mask will come off if you stand under hot water."

My shower pounded off the last of the alarmingly abrasive body scrub – _there's my pound of flesh, going down the drain – _while Rose fixed her hair and rambled on about her current situation with Emmett.

"He said that the shop is going to be completely mortgage-free by the end of the quarter." I heard her clank the straightener down on near the sink. "After that, no more excuses."

I grabbed a towel from the rack and dried off behind the curtain. "So, this is it, huh? You think he'll really come through?" _And by come through, I mean Man Up._

"It is about time, don't you think? This namby-pamby, quasi-exclusive, engaged to be engaged shit is tired." She huffed and ran the hot iron over an errant portion of her platinum locks.

Rose joked all the time about trying to hook up with other guys, but I knew she was all talk. She never had gotten over Emmett and when he'd come back to town to open the garage a few years ago, Rose had quit noticing all other males of the species. She didn't really talk specifics, probably because Emmett and Edward were still friends, but I always gathered from her comments that she and Emmett were moving steadily forward.

Rose went out to the kitchen and I joined after slipping on my robe. Rose took my hair back down out of the clips and I was glad to see that I had managed to keep it mostly dry while in the shower. She began working it back up, this time into intricate twirls, and fastening it to the back of my head in an elaborate twist.

"That's great, Rose. It's been a long time coming." I winced as she scraped a bobby pin along my scalp.

"Oops, sorry about that. Yeah, I really enjoy working on the cars on weekends, but I'm not doing it for my health. He knows that." Rose's voice was softer than usual. "I can't keep putting myself out there, you know?"

At least she put herself out there. I had to admire Rose; she knew what she wanted and she was relentless. I knew many people who learned to like NASCAR or pretended to care about certain things simply to form a connection with a person they liked. I don't judge, because it is important to make some compromises or to try to enjoy things with your significant other. Rose had the opposite effect; she liked cars in school. The sight of her bent over an engine doing whatever people do to engines was responsible for a spike in Auto Tech enrollment previously unknown to Forks High. Emmett had gotten into mechanics because of her.

"Okay, hair's all done. Would a perm kill you?" Rose spritzed a few loose tendrils around my ears. "Slide that ring on so I can put the separators on you and get started on those stubs you call nails."

The doorbell rang as I slid the ring onto my finger. Rose ran to answer it and returned with a colorful bouquet and no card. According to Rose, they were mini calla lilies and tangerine and mulberry roses. Though the color was unusual, I recognized one of the blooms as the same kind that had been in Alice's wrist corsage when we'd all gotten ready for prom together.

All the containers and jars and gadgets – it was a collection of more cosmetic gear than I seen since the days of sleepovers with Alice and Rose back in high school.

If Alice was here, it might feel like old times.

When I'd moved here, Alice was my first friend. After a time, it felt more like she was my sister than a simply a friend. Where others judged, Alice encouraged. We'd spent nearly every lunch together as well as after school at each other's houses and more sleepovers than anyone could track.

As if that weren't enough, there was a phase around the time of Angela's cancelled party when Alice hung out at the diner, too. I remember the first time she came out.

(Junior Year)

"Here's your Coke, Alice."

"Thanks," she said. "Did you finish that essay?" I nodded in the affirmative and she shoved a heavily salted fry into her mouth. "Really? Wasn't it dreadful? I mean, boring?"

I couldn't help but laugh. Alice could barely sit still for two minutes, so thinking about a short form of work, such as poems tended to be, should've been tailor-made for her.

"Not really. I did mine over 'Moments Without Proper Names' by Gordon Parks," I said. I would have gone on but Alice was already staring out into the parking lot, watching for something. Well, someone. I didn't take her lack of attention personally; she listened when it was truly important. Now, she was undoubtedly hoping Jasper would swing by to meet Edward when his shift ended.

"Alice," I said, placing my hand on top of hers to draw her attention. "Edward gets off in an hour. Jasper won't show up until just before then."

She smiled and shoved in a couple more fries.

"Bella, James needs you in back," Angela called over as she loaded pies into the cooler.

"On it!" I pushed through the swinging door and was met with James and a flat of tomatoes.

"Please prep these since you only have one table," James said without even turning his face toward me. I followed his gaze and saw that it landed where Alice sat with her feet curled up under her in the booth.

"Who's your friend?" He handed the tomatoes to me and turned back to the grill. I noticed he kept glancing over at her repeatedly.

"Alice. She goes to school with me," I said. James wasn't that much older than us, but his attention to her made me uncomfortable nonetheless. "She's my age," I added for good measure and headed to the back.

"Hey, Bella." Edward looked up from his usual pile of dishes.

"Hi."

The tomato slicer was the bane of my existence; it stuck more than slid and tended to smash far more than slice. I would have preferred a sharp knife. After several smooshed tomatoes, I could no longer contain my frustration.

"Argh!" I picked up the slicer about a half inch and banged in on the metal prep table.

"Hold up there." Edward wiped his hands on his apron and moved toward me.

A brief fantasy ran through my head in which he would help me work the slicer by sliding up behind me and cradling me like a golf instructor. Instead, he reached to the overhead shelf and pulled down a tool kit. Silently, he used the oil he found there on the slicer and then tested it smoothly out.

"All better," he said. I went back to slicing and he drained the sink "I never saw you get upset before." He sounded amused. "Frightening."

"Oh, it doesn't happen often," I said, "but I'd like to think it's memorable when it happens."

He gave a little laugh and shook his head. "I'll try never to piss you off."

"Wise. Very Wise, Cullen." I shoved another tomato smoothly through the new and improved slicer.

"Cullen? What's this 'Cullen' business, Swan?"

"Whatever do you mean, Cullen?" Another tomato went through and came out in eight uniform slices. Some juice and seeds splattered on the wall.

"Hey! I'm trying to get out of here as soon as possible tonight, _Swan_." He grabbed a towel and flung it at me as a large hint to clean up after myself. _Of course you want out of here, it's Friday._

"No worries, _Cullen_, you'll still be out of here by eleven and out cold by two." I couldn't help stealing a glance at him as I had never really teased him before.

"Out cold?!" he roared. "Who do you think I am?"

"I was perfectly clear. I am talking to you Edward _Cullen._" I finished up the last of the tomatoes and turned to him. "That's your name isn't it, _Cullen_?"

He stopped wiping down the sink and looked at me. He wasn't truly smiling, but his eyes were.

"Yeah, that is my name, _Ee-sah-beh-luh_."

_Wha… was that my name? What kind of accent was _that?

_Holy … why have I been pushing for people to call me Bella all this time?_

"Bella!" James hollered from the front and I scurried up to him. He had finished scraping down the grill.

"Angela needs to head out early tonight, so you'll need to do anything she missed." He was still stealing sideways glances at Alice. "I think she has it under control, though, okay?"

"No problem." I headed out to see what needed done, and to my surprise, it looked like Angela had done all her work plus mine. All that was left was to clean the few tables that customers still occupied.

"You doing okay, Alice?" I asked as I set down a fresh Coke. She was staring out into the parking lot at what I recognized as Jasper's truck.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure." She took sip. "I'm just formulating my master plan." She stole another glance out at the truck as the driver door opened. The parking lot was dark, save for the single street light, but I could clearly make out a pair of well-worn cowboy boots as they hit the pavement below the open driver's door.

"Do you have an Edward Plan, Bella?"

_You're asking me? The person trying to establish "hi" as a form of foreplay?_

"No, Alice, I don't." I tossed her empty plate into the bus tub and began gathering the few plates that where left on an abandoned table. "It's a fine line when it comes to boys you don't hang around with. Approach them in the wrong way and they'll think you're clingy."

She snorted daintily. "Don't make yourself known and they'll never consider you."

"Preaching to the choir, Alice, preaching to the choir."

She twirled her straw around the rim of her glass. "You think he can see me in here?"

"Pretty sure he can."

"I can't get a reading on him. I mean, last week he chatted me up over the milk cartons in the lunch line and magically appeared twice when I closed my locker door. This week, I can't even spy him during lunch. Tonight, he won't cross a parking lot to speak to me."

"Bella!" James bellowed again from the back.

I gave Alice a knowing look and went to see what he wanted. As I pushed through the swinging door, I saw Angela leaving through the back. She'd already changed her clothes.

James was spinning salt and ice around in a coffee pot when I reached him.

"Bella, thanks for being so flexible about the extra work," he said.

Was he really thanking me? James? This was too weird.

"So, what's the deal with your little friend?" He glanced out at Alice again.

_Oh, I see what's going on here._

"Alice is staying over tonight." I knew what he was fishing for, but I wasn't going to make it easy. In fact, I was going to avoid helping at all costs. "I hope it hasn't been a problem that she's hung out here tonight."

It was nearly closing time and the sound of Edward running mop water echoed around the corner.

James dumped out the pot and began to rinse it. "No, no problem." He seemed to be looking for a way to get me to introduce him, since I hadn't done the predictable, polite thing and offered to do so.

I felt like I needed to be doing something, so I made to leave. "I'm going to go and finish the tables." The wheels of the mop bucket squeaked closer in the quiet.

James cleared his throat nervously. "Um, Bella, you say you two are staying together tonight. What you are you doing after this?"

Silence.

"After work?" I asked after a beat. Was he asking me to do some extra project at the diner? I mean, the place was as ready to lock up as it could possibly be. "I don't… what do you need?"

James huffed and began to turn off the lights. "Um, no. I mean, after you leave, what are you two doing? There's a thing out by…"

"Hey, James, isn't it time to lock up?" Edward sloshed a mop full of water around the floor near James's feet.

James glanced at his watch, shot Edward an unreadable look, and headed up toward the door while fishing keys out of his pocket.

"Anxious are we?" I tried to tease him again.

Edward shrugged his shoulders and kept mopping. "I guess." _Wow, talk about mood swings._

We finished up in near record time, especially since Alice helped out once she noticed that Jasper appeared to have given up on Edward and left. We all went to the parking lot at the same time, with James holding the door open, presumably for Alice's benefit.

"Cullen," James called as he got into his car. "Hale's?"

"Yup," Edward said, and then offered an arm to Alice and myself to escort us to my truck. "Ladies?"

After numerous abandoned attempts, I safely got the dress over my head without dismantling my hair. I could hear the fabric of Rose's ivory cocktail dress swooshing about out in the hall.

"It took me forever to get your hair to stay put, so you better not be messin' it up in there. Just open the door and let me help for fuck's sake." Rose began to jiggle the bedroom door knob.

"I got it. I got it. Just hang on," I said. The final few inches of zipper would surely have gone up more easily if my shoulder didn't have the pesky habit of wanting to stay in its socket.

"So, who do you think they're from?" Rose sounded like she must have moved away from the door out to the kitchen by the flowers.

"Ahem. 'Flowers given during a long term relationship mean someone loves you. Flowers given at any other time mean I love the idea of you.'" The zipper finally closed and I noticed that a big chunk of brown hair had fallen out in the back. _Crap._

"Man, that is truly pessimistic," Rose said. "Where the hell did you pick up something like that?"

"You."

"Oh. Well, what do I know anyway? They're gorgeous. Let's put one in your hair before we head out."

I swung open the door as Rose rounded hallway corner. She swooped in to assess the situation, then she gathered the extra fabric between my shoulders and pulled the bust line taunt.

"I don't have a tenth of the body needed to fill this thing out," I said.

"Nonsense. You look great. I just think maybe 'the twins' stretched it out when I wore it." Rose squeezed her upper arms toward each other to accentuate her cleavage. She was a pro at that sort of thing. "It actually looks better on you this way. Softer." That was especially sweet of Rose to say.

I considered checking her temperature.

After Rose finished getting ready she went out to warm up the car. I blinked furiously; the contacts I'd broken out for the evening felt like entire sandpaper pads scraping a path toward my corneas. The flowers might have been affecting my allergies, too, which didn't bode well since Rose returned and began to wedge a white one into the back of my hair.

"Have you heard from Alice lately?" Rose said, as if the flowers had triggered her memory of Alice at prom as well.

"No, not in…oh, my…" _Could it really have been that long? _"…not in a couple of years." I thought of Alice so often, she was still a presence in my life, an inspiration whenever I felt down. We'd been almost like family for most of school. Then, Alice started taking early start college courses and there wasn't much time for friendship anymore, I guess. Eventually, she moved to Seattle for work and visits tapered off.

_I miss her._

Rose ceased the assault she was currently waging on my hair and looked at me, squinting. _Why does she look doubtful…incredulous even?_

"Bella, Alice moved back to town last month."

_Really? _

She finished securing the flower. "No worries," she said, but her voice sounded plenty worried. "She'll be there tonight. She's that Ben guy's date."

I really didn't know what to say. I knew I had gone through a phase of pronounced isolation, one from which I'd not truly emerged even yet, after my failed attempt with Edward two years ago. Was Alice upset with me for not initiating contact with her regularly? Why would she not have, at least, let me know she moved back?

"Bella, I'm going on out. Since your nails are dry, please grab my bag of extra clothes, too. And – I know you – don't try to forget that ring." With that, Rose was gone. And I was alone.

The dance hall entrance way was darkened, making the white lights strung around every conceivable column and surface glare like high noon. I found Rose and stood beside her. People clustered into the same groups of the same people they were sick of working with every day. Admin assistants herded near the buffet line. In the front corner, the largest cluster of tables was home to the customer service reps. Nearest the bar, the suits were trying to get drunk enough to act like they would willingly hang out with anyone else there. I recognized Jake among them. He had already begun to saunter over to me by that time.

"Hey ladies," Jake said as he reached us. "Bella, you look amazing." I noticed that he actually was looking at me when he said it. Tyler had always tried to tell me I looked fine from two rooms away.

"I beg your pardon," said Rose as she tossed her coat at him.

Jake laughed but focused on me as he escorted us to an empty table.

"First dance is with me." Jake pulled out my chair. Across the room several people looked toward Rose and myself as they spoke to one another. One guy tripped over a potted plant. Jake bellied up to the bar in pursuit of our drinks; his progress was slowed by the numerous people who kept stopping to speak with him. Rose took a moment to congratulate herself on a job well done.

"Bella, you are the proverbial belle of the ball."

"Oh, I don't know about that, Rose. It's an open bar." I shifted under the watchful gaze of a home office executive who stood on the opposite side of the ever-filling dance floor.

Rose nudged me and motioned toward the door. Alice had arrived. She was standing an arm's length away from Ben. He said something to her and she nodded pleasantly, then he slipped off to the bar.

Rose stood up and waved her over. A strange look passed across Alice's face, and then she straightened herself and walked to where we sat.

"Alice! It's so great to see you!" Rose beamed and Alice returned a small smile back to her as she pulled out a chair directly across from Rose.

"Hi, Alice. How are you?" I said warmly, my voice shaking from the emotions that I had not fully processed about our situation.

"Bella." Her voice was flat. She looked to the dance floor.

Rose took a swig of her drink in response to the hush. "So, what's new with you?"

Alice turned to Rose and opened her mouth then closed it without saying anything.

"What the… What's going Alice?" Rose never was one for subtle. "Bella didn't even know you'd moved back to town."

Alice's face took on a stony appearance. She ran her finger along the handle of a spoon from the place setting in front of her.

I could take it anymore. This was my friend, my sister. I knew I had not been the best friend to her lately and I knew that I had probably hurt her by not calling her, but that road ran both ways. She hadn't contacted me either. Normally, I avoided confrontation. Normally, I would have taken days to figure out what to say and, perhaps, decided it wasn't worth the risk of a fight to say anything at all. Tonight didn't feel normal; learning that Alice was deliberately avoiding me wasn't normal.

I ran my fingers along the ridges of the huge ring and twisted it around my finger nervously.

"Alice," I said, "what is going here? Why are you made at me? I mean, you didn't call me either."

Alice leaned in and pressed her index finger along the spoon she had been tracing until her knuckle whitened. "And just why would I do that? Why would I listen to you whine on again? Why subject myself to hearing about it when you clearly only do it for sympathy?"

"Alice Brandon!" Rose made to stand but hit the table with her thighs and sat back down with a thud. "What are you on about? Sure, I give her grief about her little _obsession_, but you're just being cruel."

I was so confused. Hurt and confused. I knew I had cared for Edward for so long, but she had always been so supportive, I'd felt comfortable sharing with her. It seemed I'd been a burden to the point of breaking our friendship.

I felt myself begin to tear up.

"Oh, and here are the water works!" Alice pushed her chair back. "Spare me."

"Sorry." My voice was shaking

"Sorry?!" Alice's voice came out like a horrible laugh. I found myself nearly terrified; I'd never seen Alice peeved must less enraged. "You go on for years about him. Never a blessed day without you regaling the glory that is Edward to me and then you blow us _both_ off when you get your chance. Pfft. You think 'sorry' covers it?"

Rose's face reddened, but she also looked confused. "What are you talking about Alice?

_Yeah, what _are_ you talking about?_

"Ask Bella." Alice's eyes bored into mine.

I could no longer tell if I was more confused or upset. "I have no idea why you think that's what happened."

"Something happened…?" Rose began, but Alice cut her off, talking louder than her. Under different circumstances, it would've been a kick to see Rose shut down.

"Seriously? You want to pretend that you don't recall a time a couple of years ago when Edward finally asked you out – when you weren't being stupid and wasting your time by _distracting_ yourself with other guys – and you dumped your pal, Angela, off on me while you decided Edward wasn't worth it after all?"

_Not worth it? I decided?_

Rose looked back and forth between Alice's fury and my, no doubt, ashen face.

"I think…I think that maybe," I said, and searched for the right words. I remained uncharacteristically articulate. "Maybe there has been a misunderstanding." _And I haven't the foggiest idea what Angela has to do with anything._

Alice said nothing. She still glared at me.

It seemed Rose had finally reached a breaking point. "What are you talking about? Both of you – now – and use specifics."

Alice crossed her arms over her chest and turned her focus to Rose. "Miss Melancholy here," she said and rolled her eyes toward me, "she had her chance with Edward a couple of years ago. She spent about 36 hours with him and then high-tailed it out of there. All those years of bemoaning not being with him, and then she splits and he winds up back with the shrew." She pounded her fist down on the table. "But not before Bella plunked that catalyst of destruction, Angela, right back into Jasper's lap."

Rose was now looking at me as if I had had sprouted an additional head. "Bella?"

_If it were for anyone else, I would not do this. I don't even understand half of what she is talking about. _But, she is wrong on the parts I do understand. _I would not share this with, or for, anyone else. It's for Alice. She has to know. I have to say something. I have to make myself talk about it._

"Alice. Rose." I took a sip of the water that was at the place setting, the metal of the ring clinking against the glass. "I won't pretend to know what the issue is with Angela, but I assure you that Edward was the one who did the leaving."

Rose turned silently toward me and I knew then that I had hurt her. Even though we were never great confidants, this was something I should have shared with her. She had deserved that much. She'd been there for me. She was there, and Alice would have been if I hadn't been so busy hurting to try and do what I needed to heal. I'd been hurting Alice with ignorance-fueled isolation.

Alice softened a little but then replaced the mask of resolve in her face. "That's not how I hear it."

"Really," I said, and leaned in across the table toward her. I spoke with anger that was not directed at her. "Did you happen to hear how we made lo… no, I guess it was only that for me, so it was would've only been sex, a fuck, we fucked… and then he dumped me a day later?" Rose gasped and Alice's jaw dropped. "Did _that_ little detail make it to you? That I am so pathetic that a single night with me convinced him almost immediately that he should be with that Tanya person instead?"

Ben approached our table with a drink for Alice. The ice cubes looked quite small, like he'd been searching for her. Alice took the drink, swallowed it in three huge gulps, and stiff-armed the empty glass back to Ben. No doubt picking up on the vibe at the table, Ben went for a refill.

"Bella, are you serious?" Rose put her arm on mine and I realized I had been shaking. I could see the gears turning in her head; it was like she was processing even more than my revelation. "That Tanya is some great love for him? Is that what you really think?"

The outline of my place setting blurred and I knew that tears were building to the point where they threatened to spill over. I tried to nod my head without enough movement to cause them to fall, but one splashed across the white tablecloth anyway.

"I don't understand." Alice's voice was small. She seemed to be talking more for her benefit than either Rose or me. "He'd said that Edward was so certain Bella was the one, that he had wanted so much just to be with her, that he…" Alice leaned in. "Bella, are you certain?"

_The one? The one that what? _

It was my turn to laugh a hollow laugh. "Why are you guys questioning me? Yes, I'm certain. I can't, I don't want to talk about it anymore right now, okay? I just hope that you – both of you – will forgive me and try to understand why I didn't talk about it."

_Most humiliating, heartbreaking moment of my life…Let's run the tape again!_

Rose looked stern but far away. "Alice, we've already had makeovers today. Care to join us for an old-fashioned sleepover tonight? Sounds like there are bedtime stories to tell."

Then, Rose growled a bit and rearranged her cleavage. "Here comes your man."

Drinks hit the table and Jake closed his hand around mine. I knew him, but this behavior felt too familiar.

"How about that dance?" His hand was still wet from a bottle.

I made to protest, but they were already in the middle of a slow song. Jake led me to the floor, placed one of my hands on his shoulder and pressed his cheek against mine. I could see Alice and Rose leaning across the table, speaking animatedly.

"I see you got my flowers." He touched the lily that sat in the back of my hair.

I felt myself blush. "Yes, thanks."

The song changed, but it was still slow and he didn't show any signs of letting go. In many ways, I wanted to leave, to talk this through with Alice. _Why would she think I'd been the one to bail? _Was it possible that she would have some insight that let me learn precisely what I'd done wrong? Was it something I did, or didn't do? Or was it simply me, my personality that drove him away? _Are you going to feel any better knowing? _I didn't really know if I would feel better, but I knew I needed to know whatever she was able to tell me.

Still, it would be so easy to spend the evening enjoying Jake's attention. My problems would be there in the morning, they always were. I could confront them tomorrow. I slipped my other arm around his shoulders and wrapped my hands together. Directly below his ear I could see the lights twinkling off the ring. _The ring._ I slipped it off and my back tensed. After leaning back slightly I could see Jake was now gazing over at Rose, who was attracting a crowd of onlookers while she fished for an imaginary something down the front of her dress.

"Hey, Jake, thanks, but I need to leave."

He looked a bit taken aback but broke our hold. "Oh, sure, Bella. I'm in town all week. Maybe we can go to dinner Monday?"

I heard myself agree and then I weaved through the crowded dance floor.

I practically ran to Rose, who had a slick looking executive enraptured in whatever she was talking about. I began searching the chairs for my clutch. I slipped the ring back on before I had a chance to lose it.

"Leaving? You're kidding, right?" Unblinking, Rose looked at me. Alice had turned away from what appeared to be a conversation only Ben was interested in.

"No, I am not kidding. We've put in an appearance. You love Emmett." I shot a pointed look at Mr. Blue Suit seated next to Rose. "Let's go." I turned to Alice who wasn't even trying to feign attention in Ben's story. "Alice, if you can tear yourself away?"

Alice was standing and shaking Ben's hand goodbye moments later.

Rose shrugged, under-handed my bag at me with one hand and chugged back the last half of a Midori Sour with the other.

"Ok, spill." Rose's butt hadn't even hit the car seat before she commanded.

Before I could start confessing, I needed to say something more to my nearly lost friend. "Alice, I cannot apologize enough. I got caught up in myself and didn't keep in touch. I thought of you every day, but I…guess I…"

"What Bella's trying to say, Alice dear, is that she's been a more pathetic sad sack than usual for a while now." Rose huffed from the driver's seat. "And I guess I am finally learning there was a reason why."

_Dammit, you really stepped in it now, didn't you?_

"Rose, I'm sorry, I just couldn't talk about it," I said. "Sorry to you both." I shifted and turned so I could see Alice's face in the backseat as I spoke. Alice nodded, teary eyed.

For a car full of people who needed to talk about something, it was eerily quiet. But then, even in that moment, I wasn't sure how I was going to share with them the details they wanted. I wasn't even sure which details were important. I broke the silence and expressed my concern.

"They're all important," Rose practically yelled in reply.

_All the details? The situation? _

_Or width? Girth?_

_Technique?_

_Um, no. _I'd share the basics of what little conversation Edward and I'd had , and then I would answer questions about other _elements_ if they asked directly. I had questions of my own.

Rose pulled onto my street. I shifted even more to face the backseat. "Alice, why did you mention Angela?"

Alice sighed and looked at her hands in her lap. "Oh, Bella. I feel so badly. I knew I was being unfair to you when I was upset when they got together in high school. I suppose I thought you should have seen it happening, or that you did see it happening and chose not to warn me."_ Who got together? What is she talking about?_ "But I, like I said, I knew I was being unfair, and I did my best not to let it affect us."

Rose gripped the wheel tighter. "Alice, she has no idea what you're talking about, can't you tell?" It was clear by her tone that Rose did, in fact, know what Alice was talking about. The gears that had been turning in her head still looked to be churning at full throttle as she pulled into my driveway.

Alice nodded her hanging head. "I can tell. Now."

My fist clenched and the ring dug into the sides of my other fingers. "I get the distinct impression that I am not the only one here that has a tale to tell. Start talking."

"Okay," Rose and Alice said in unison.

A few minutes later, we'd changed into our sweats; I'd loaned Alice the smallest pair of my own that I could find. Rose foraged in the refrigerator.

"Grape Juice?" She plunked the sloshing container down on the counter. "We left a full-stocked, open bar and the best you have here is grape juice?"

I retrieved three glasses from the cupboard. "I like grape juice. All the health benefits of wine."

"Without any of that pesky fun," Rose scoffed.

Alice entered the kitchen. She was rolling the waistband of my sweats up and looking as odd as I'm sure Rose and I did with our ratty old sweats on while our hair and makeup looked like we belonged at a gala. Reminded of my own appearance, I reached up and plucked the flower from my hair and tossed it away.

"Hi Bella,″ she said, and she surprised me by wrapping her arms around me in a hug.

"Alrighty, love fest over." Rose plunked the heavy bottomed juice glass on the counter over dramatically. "Somebody better start talking."

We headed to the living room and claimed spots on the sofa and floor cushions. I cleared my throat in an effort to muster up the courage to discuss that day. To my surprise, Alice began talking without preamble.

"Bella, you remember that time back in high school when Edward and Jasper were on the outs for a while? I think it was shortly after Edward started at the diner."

"Oh, those jobs!" Rose chimed in. "Daddy Carlisle sure tried to put the hammer down on those boys. That's when Emmett started at the auto center." Her face stretched wide in a smile. "Emmett was livid at first."

Alice chuckled lightly and straightened up. "Yes, well, that was how it started."

Rose tried to suppress her smile, then assumed very correct posture in an imitation of Dr. Cullen. "'Too much free time to get into trouble? Here, menial labor oughta straighten you little fuckers out!'"

As entertaining as Rose was, I wanted to know what Alice was getting at. I waved my hand for Alice to continue.

"Well, I guess," Alice began, "about the time you told me Angela had cancelled that sleepover due to her brother being sick…" Alice made air quotes around the last few words "…she and Jasper got together."

I recalled times that I had seen Jasper at the diner and thought he'd been waiting for Edward; I hadn't seen things clearly.

"_Hi."_

"_Hi Bella." Edward smiled and dumped the clean silverware into its drawer._

_I'd been relieved to see Jasper's lanky frame leaning against the wheel well of his pickup; all week I'd noticed that he hadn't been at the lunch table with Edward and I imagined that, whatever the situation, the strain on their friendship had to be hurting Edward. _

"_Jasper is waiting out front for you."_

"_I highly doubt that." He faced the sink and scrubbed the burnt crust from the bottom of a sauce pan._

"Oh, Alice, I really didn't know. I would have said something."

She shook her head softly. "In the end, it doesn't really matter. I mean, the only difference is I would have known better than to throw myself at him during that phase."

It was Rose's turn to chime in. "It got pretty bad. Emmett says it was like Jasper was getting an extra boost from the thrill of Angela trying everything new. Like he was feeding off her emotions and highs coupled with his own experiences."

I looked at Rose. "You knew about this?"

She shook her head and leaned forward to set her glass on the coffee table. "Not at the time. It came up a while back with Emmett."

"Came up?" My voice sounded high even to my own years. Why would ancient history between Angela and Jasper "come up" years later?

Rose pursed her lips. "Yeah, awhile back. About two years ago. When I couldn't understand why you retreated into yourself. It didn't make any sense, I mean, it was so much…you were so much worse, so isolated. You kept saying everything was fine. Then, Edward turned up engaged; I actually wondered for a time if you were psychic, like you sensed it coming."

_What on earth does this have to do with anything?_

"I am not seeing the connection, guys." I knew this certainly affected Alice's chances with Jasper back then, but none of this seemed like it should have anything to do with me.

Alice took my hand in both her hands. "Bella, you are the connection. Edward could've worked anywhere; he chose to work with you. Jasper got to know Angela while waiting for Edward one night."

Rose sat up and looked like she was about to say something, those perpetual gears were grinding to a halt.

Alice glanced at Rose then continued. "Edward was – I mean, he was only 17, they were all only 17 – their spiral, Jasper and Angela's spiral, it had to affect him."

_Splendid. So, this only sheds some light on long ago…_

Rose bolted up from the sofa. "I need to ask Emmett something." She practically ran to the phone.

……….

Love at the lips was touch

As sweet as I could bear;

And once that seemed too much;

I lived on air.

Robert Frost

_From _"Earthward"

EPOV

She came into the store earlier today.

I don't know how it happens, but when she passes by the aisles in front of the counter, I feel a pull to look up.

I don't know why she comes in so seldomly; maybe she shops online or stocks up at a big box store.

I don't know when it will get easier to not be with her.

I don't know… anything.

I look at the prescription order in front of me and will myself to focus on its minutia. "Do not operate heavy machinery." "Take on a full stomach." "Avoid direct sunlight."

"_Hi."_

The printer spits out the label and instructions. I measure the correct number of capsules and pour them.

_She sat on the bleacher in front of me. It was windy, and the wind blew her long hair away her face. I kept trying to look elsewhere, but she'd turn around every so often and that's when I'd realize I'd been staring. The wind left her entire face down past the curve of her neck exposed. She looked like porcelain; I was afraid she'd break. _

_So pure. I imagined she smelled like green apples. I could tell nothing from the wind._

_When I left, I moved in close – I told myself I needed to, to be heard – she wasn't the kind of person you shout at across the distance or roaring wind. _

_I was wrong. She didn't just smell like apples. She smelled like an unimaginable combination of flowers._

The bottle slides into a bag and I pick up another script.

"_Edward, are you going to be okay? I mean, I can take you home if you want."_

Amoxicillin. "Any unused portion of the reconstituted suspension must be discarded after 14 days."

_Snow and midnight. I'm on my side, forcing myself to face away from her. Then, her warm hand – finally! – on me. The first time she ever started anything. The first time she ever let me know it wasn't me pushing. _

_The only time, because, of course, in the end, I did push her. _

_I took everything she offered, as if I'd learned nothing. _

_Everything she offered and then some. I took everything, because I am a taker. _

_I could take from her until there would be nothing left._

_I knew I could, I would, because I'd done it all before; I was still paying the price for my thefts._

Was there anything more to do? Finding nothing, I hang up my lab coat and nod once in goodbye to the assistants.

……….

Please, please review!

**Timeline:**

2000/01 - High school - Bella moves to Forks to live with her father -B & E Never dated in high school - but many encounters

Late August junior year: Football game where Edward and Bella meet (chapter 1)

Summer between sophomore and junior year: Bella begins at to work at Forks Diner. Edward starts a few weeks later. (chapter 3)

Junior Year: Angela cancels party. Birthday Kiss (chapter 3) Alice visits diner/Edward stops James from inviting Bella & Alice out after work/Jasper starts showing up at the diner (chapter 4)

Junior year: Career Fair where it is learned that Edward wants to be a pharmacist (chapter 2)

2001/07 - They go away to college - 6 years.

2006 - Bella marries Tyler (mentioned chapter 1)

2007 - Bella Divorces Tyler (mentioned chapter 1)

2008 - The Big Weekend of Edward & Bella (break-up chapter 1) (hand/attempted spooning - chapter 4 & some of EPOV)

2010 - Present action/corporate party


	5. Chapter 5 Planting Seeds

Chapter 5 - Planting Seeds

_I am not enjoying my grape juice, dammit. And damn you, Rose, for making me question it. _

_I place the blame for my pending irregularity at your feet. _

Alice and I spoke about what had been going on in our lives since we saw one another last; there was an unaired understanding that we not discuss the gorilla pirouetting about on my hardwood floor until Rose returned. She'd been on the porch on the phone with Emmett for a very long time. It was nice, since I was catching up with Alice and I still felt the guilty sting of my decisions not to share my hurt with Rose since she had, definitely, shown herself to be a very loyal friend the past few years.

"When the company bought us out, I had to switch from purchasing back to the sales floor. That's when I decided that proving myself and working my way up was highly overrated." Alice finished up talking about her work and move while she picked at the fringe of a throw pillow. "So, I finished my degree up at night and got an internship. I moved back here because I can do the bulk of my new position from home and I have no rent here." I knew she was referring to the house she'd inherited a few years ago.

Rose suddenly returned from the porch carrying her phone. "Okay, ladies, let's sort this out." She clicked the phone shut like punctuation and sat down on the floor with us.

Within a few minutes we were discussing the period of time in high school when it seemed that Jasper and Angela had been together. I hoped that this brought some closure or insight to Alice, whichever she preferred, because it still wasn't clicking what this had to do with me. It had been after The Birthday Kiss and during the time that Angela was still calling in at the diner.

I could sense a story coming. Rose cleared her throat dramatically before she began.

"It was a dark and stormy night…"

"Rose! Get on with it"

"And you might want to be more precise at any rate. That's pretty much every night around here."

Rose huffed and began again. "So, you know that party you guys almost went to?"

I knew instantly the day to which she was referring.

(Junior Year)

Alice and were sitting at our lonely lunch table, strategically located where we could watch the guys' table and it would still look natural. We'd been having no luck in getting noticed by either Jasper or Edward in any concrete way. To complicate matters, things had appeared to be odd with that clique for a while. Their lunch table was Jasper-less. It was clear that the atmosphere there was strained, but, being an outsider, it was impossible to tell if it was that way because of a falling out, or perhaps, as a result of Emmett having begun to include Rose at their table.

Rose's defection left my lunchtimes to the sole companionship of Alice; which was quite nice, except she and I spent most of our time alternating between sighing at the thought of Edward or Jasper and sighing when we actually did see them. _Yeah, I know. Pathetic. I am aware._

This stagnancy did not set well with Alice; she seemed ready to crack.

"We are going to take action, Bella. Jasper is AWOL after weeks of flirting with me and Edward _kissed _you. This is nuts."

"It was only for my birthday," I said, trying to sound convincing. It had felt like so much more at the time, but… he hadn't attempted anything since. I supposed it had meant more to me than him. It was probably no big deal to him. He probably kissed like that all the time.

We both looked over toward the table where Edward and the others sat. Edward looked in our direction at that moment and gave me a warm smile.

"Tonight, Bella," Alice said, and I knew she was following my gaze to see it land on Edward. "We are making ourselves accessible." With that she called her mother to make sure it was okay if I stayed over, not that I'd agreed, but not that I would've disagreed. After she hung up, she announced she'd meet me at the diner since I was covering another shift for Angela. I hadn't really seen Angela in a while. James had been scheduling her less and less.

"She calls in often, doesn't she?" Alice said when I told her I'd be off at nine.

That night at the diner, I saw Edward carrying an empty plastic pickle bucket out separately from the trash. I narrowed my eyes, wondering why he would be interested in salvaging such a thing.

"Um… recycling." Edward half-smiled as he answered my silent question.

_Sure. _I was pretty confident it wasn't traditional recycling that he was doing, since he took nothing else. Plus, the nearest recycling center was in Port Angeles. Not exactly the type of late night weekend excursion I'd been led to believe Edward's group was into.

But, actually, I was never sure what precisely they were into. I had my ideas.

I shrugged my shoulders and went back into the diner. Inside, James was slouched over the grill. He piled onions and buns on top of a pair of half-cooked patties that were sizzling there. The grease in the air popped around him and appeared to be collecting on his forehead and around the rim of his cap. His eyes swung over to the window where Edward was slinging the remainder of the trash into the dumpster. The pickle bucket was clearly visible and threatening to tumble out of the back of the Jeep he must've borrowed from Emmett.

"Haven't seen your little friend in a while," he said and looked at the booth Alice sat in, just as she used in the past, when she had been waiting in earnest for Jasper to possibly meet up with Edward. "Thought, maybe, you two fell out."

Alice seemed to become aware of our conversation and began walking toward us.

James glanced toward where he'd last seen Edward, as if he was checking to see if Edward was still outside. "Looks like tonight is shaping up to be interesting." He chuckled half-heartedly. He sounded almost disgusted.

Before I realized what I was doing, I heard my voice. "Actually, I'm staying with her tonight." By that time, Alice had arrived, and she nodded her head in agreement.

James stopped mid-burger-flip. "Really?" He looked out the window as Edward swung the dumpster gate shut. "How would you two like to hang out tonight?" The feeling of unease I always got around James increased.

_Well, honestly, with you? Big no on that._ But, Alice had other ideas.

"Sure, thanks," she said, and they began to make plans about meeting up. I hoped that her enthusiasm for the plans was not interpreted by James as something Alice felt for him.

I knew I was part of those plans, but I just couldn't make myself be part of that conversation. I went to the dining room and made the rounds. Alice had said that we were going to make ourselves available; I knew that James was a means to that end. A very greasy, yellow-teethed means. _Okay, Edward and Jasper, you two better be worth this._

Later that night, Alice bounced around in the seat of my truck as I followed James out into the country. He had tried to persuade me that we should ride with him, but when Alice explained that I was tired and might want to leave before she did, he'd quickly decided to like the idea.

The thin, dirt road wound out to a clearing among the tall trees. A few vehicles were backed-in and clustered about a burning pile of wooden pallets. Near the fire, a truck with its tailgate down held old pickle buckets, coolers, and a silver keg. One of the guys I recognized from the football team was standing in the truck bed. Though my view was obscured by the flames, it looked like there was at least one more similarly equipped truck on the other side of the fire. Dozens of cars lined the road we came in on.

Music, so heavy with bass and so loud I couldn't make out the song, blasted from one of the cars near the circle. A few people were standing there, in the center of the action so to speak, but many more stood off in darkened clusters.

I don't know exactly what I'd pictured, but this was not it. I guess I had expected something indoors with nice clothes and glass top tables.

There were more people here than I thought attended all of Forks High; clearly, some, like James, had graduated a while ago. They all carried themselves like they owned the very forest they were on the verge of burning down. It was dark, but the few people that took notice of Alice and myself as we walked through the maze of vehicles and downed tree trunks did lazy double-takes.

I felt conspicuous.

"Do you suppose Rose is here?" Alice held onto my arm and tugged me toward one group and then another until we found Rose. She was sitting with her legs hanging off the back of Emmett's Jeep with a ball cap on and her long, blonde ponytail sticking out of the back.

"Hey, bitches!" Rose hopped off the Jeep and landed with a splut in the dank ground below. "The the fuck are you two doing here?"

Just then, James made his way into the group gathered there and looked directly at Alice while another guy appeared to ask a question while looking directly at us.

"Holy. Shit." Rose had noticed the possessive nature of James's watch. "You seriously came out here with him?" _She wasn't really asking._

Alice shrugged her shoulders in exaggerated innocence. Rose rolled her eyes and looked at our empty red cups. "Careful what you let people put in there."

As if on cue, I heard Emmett let out a sound close to a roar and turned to see him for the first time that night. He dumped a large amount of a deep red fluid from one heaving bucket into an even larger one. The crowd cheered on at his antics.

"Beware the Black Broth, young ones." Rose slid by us and moved closer to Emmett. He crushed her up to his chest and kissed her as if he meant to eat her face right off. She whispered something to him causing him to scan the crowd quickly. I hoped he was looking for Edward. They spoke for a moment longer and Rose headed back to us.

I hadn't been paying attention to James and it shocked me when he suddenly appeared in front of us. "There you are," he said, even though I was certain he hadn't stopped watching Alice since he'd picked us up earlier. "What are you two dr–"

"What going on there James?" The guy he'd been talking to earlier called loudly over to him, drawing the attention of several others. "You taking walk on the Mild Side, too?"

I felt Alice stiffen next to me and I'm sure I looked mortified. Was I really here? Was I really doing this? I knew I was, but it didn't feel real. These people were plainly comfortable and relaxed in this environment; I was trying not to crush the empty cup in my anxious grasp.

James shot him a death ray look and slid his arm around Alice's shoulders. I wanted to see it as an attempt to be comforting and protective; it looked more territorial.

Rose stepped around into view and looked at James with his arm draped across Alice. "Why don't you just stick a flag in her butt, James?" Rose scoffed.

She pulled me aside. "They aren't out here now." I knew she was referring to Edward and Jasper.

_Figures._

So, let's properly assess this situation: my petite little friend and I were out in the woods, in a town where most violent deaths occur due to woodland predators, surrounded by a drunken crowd of people who may or may not even know our names despite going to a school with a couple hundred kids total, relying upon the guidance of either a friend who relishes in embarrassing me whenever possible or my skeazy boss who has illicit designs on my tiny friend. We'd have a long hike back to my truck which may or may not decide it could take another round of off-roading to get out of this spot, and there appeared to be a large vat of an alcoholic concoction that I have been forewarned not to let end up in my sad, empty cup.

_For Nothing._ They weren't here. I wasn't sure if they ever had been. This was ridiculous.

I was ridiculous.

Edward had plenty of opportunities to ask me out or include me, or even kiss me again, since he'd kissed me on my birthday. I'd been foolish enough to think that we were progressing, but he had been in friend mode ever since. Sometimes, I'd see him look at me and I could swear that there was something more there. But, it seemed, there wasn't.

(Present)

"Yes, I do remember that night. My fatal stab at a social life," I said. It had been the only time I'd ever gone to anything like that. "I have fond memories of all twenty minutes."

"Well," Rose began, "you two little field mice showing up that night and then ditching James when he went to take a leak wasn't the only thing that made it memorable."

Alice appeared about to burst. "They left as we got there. I think they may have even left because we got there. Jasper didn't really recall – specifics – about that time, but he's been told stuff."

Were they trying to torture me with this? Great, so not only was it sounding like Edward was never truly interested in me, but it appeared that my very presence in an area was sufficient to make him vacate it.

Rose looked a bit flustered over the interruption. "Anyway, yes, they left right as you got there. I wasn't sure if they would come back or not, because… well, they were, um, paired up. Sorta."

"Sorta?"

"Well," Rose continued, "Edward loaded them all up and drove out of there. Emmett said Edward had been going on about you for a while and then, when you showed up, he half-expected Edward to leap over the fire and drag you off into the hills. But, now, Emmett thinks that Edward knew all the shit Jasper and Angela were doing and thought you'd freak out."

"That's ridiculous," I said, but I wasn't so sure that it was. I mean, I'd been completely uncomfortable at a routine kegger. Maybe Edward had been a better judge of what I could handle than I had been myself.

"Ridiculous or not, that's what he thought." Rose took a swig of juice and cringed. "According to the best Emmett can figure, Edward thought he was protecting you."

"Protecting me? From what? I think he was protecting himself from getting grief from his buddies about 'taking a walk on the mild side.'"

"Don't underestimate peer pressure on a popular 17 year old, but don't think that was all there was to it." Alice sat with both her and legs akimbo.

Rose placed a hand on my knee in an uncharacteristically tender gesture of comfort. "Edward left with Tanya that night." She swallowed and gave me a moment to process what she was saying. "Emmett thinks that's the night they first got together."

I felt a huge block in my chest. I'm not sure what I said to excuse myself, but I headed to my bathroom and splashed my face with cool water. It really shouldn't have been a shock to me to learn that they had been together for so long. He had continued to be friendly, but not overtly flirting, with me throughout high school. Though he and I had never spoken about it, I heard that he had a girlfriend. I hadn't let that stop me from hoping. I mean, kids in high school break up all the time, right? I never really thought that it was always the same girl. It'd never occurred to me that it was the same one he was with even now.

I knew it was about time to return to the dance hall and clean up. I both wanted to go and didn't at the same time. I wanted to learn more, I'd always told myself that I needed to understand why I felt so connected to Edward and why; sometimes, he appeared to feel something similar. The way he looked at me, maybe I'm not seeing it clearly, but sometimes it seemed like the way Darcy looks at Kiera Knighley's Elizabeth in _Pride and Prejudice_ while she played the pianoforte or even the way Alan Rickman as _Sense and Sensibility_'s Colonel Brandon looks at Kate Winslet while she plays. _Where's a pianoforte when a girl needs one? _

Tonight, the women in the other room seemed to have some answers. Now that I was learning, it felt like a piece of me was simultaneously dying. Caring about Edward Cullen was a part of my identity. I'd spent so much of my life wanting to be with him and telling myself that the timing was off or a host of other excuses for why it never worked, and now it seemed that this Tanya person was there almost from the beginning. It seemed Alice should have been teasing Tanya about being Edward's soulmate, not me.

A light knock at the bathroom door made me realize I had been in there longer than I thought.

"Bella." I heard Alice's voice from the other side of the closed door. "Honey, Rose is getting antsy. She thinks you're mad at her."

"I'm mad at myself, not her."

"Come out, please?"

I splashed my face again and patted some of the now running foundation off on a towel, then opened the door. "Let's get his over with, okay?"

Alice made a face of empathy and ran her hand long my arm as we went back to the living room. Rose looked hesitant for the first time in my recollection.

"I didn't know who she was," Rose began quickly, picking up the conversation where we'd left off at and rushing her words as if she had been holding them behind her teeth with great effort. "I'd been with Emmett constantly for weeks but never seen her before. And I know I would have noticed her, she stood out – even more than you did – with her little monochromatic sweater set and pearls. Emmett said she was a friend of the family from up north, their father's old roommate's daughter. Practically family. Their families had been getting together forever and once in a while Tanya would tag along with the boys while their folks went out."

It was Alice's term to chime in, as if she knew I needed to hear better news for a moment. "Jasper told me when we finally went out a couple of years ago that Edward did like you. That he said you were the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen." She laid her head on my shoulder.

I felt a blush in spite of myself. I knew that this was not an ideal situation; I'd learned many things that I'd not really wanted to know, not the least of which was that the guy I'd dreamed of appeared to have a fetish for dowdy girls. Still, I'd had a lifetime of practice in taking what I could get. Hearing that Edward had thought I was beautiful was not something I was going to deny myself feeling good about.

"They weren't always together, Bella," Rose clarified, apparently rethinking how she had explained to me earlier. "Emmett thinks something went down that night with her. Things changed. But, they weren't together, officially together, all through college and until more recently."

I put on my brave face and moved get water instead of my forever ruined grape juice.

"So, in summary, Edward liked me in high school. Just not enough." _Soooo glad we all got together to iron that out._

Rose rolled her eyes at me. "Oh, ye of little faith – I made Emmett promise to do some recon. We are going to find out what exactly happened." Rose started to pick up her juice, then squinched up her face instead. "Actually, he seemed pretty fucking eager about it. He can't stand Tanya. Said Edward used to drive him nuts going on about you but Edward won't even talk about how he and Tanya happened."

The next hour was spent catching up and soon it felt very comfortable again. Well, not _very_. I knew that it was only a matter of time until my friends expected and, in a way, deserved to know about my brief time with Edward two years ago. That's why it surprised me when Rose announced she was leaving and would meet me at the hall soon. I didn't think I could get out of it so easily, but I wasn't looking a gift horse in the mouth.

Rose scooped her keys up on the way out. "Oh, and Bella, I haven't forgotten. I'm hitting the liquor store before tomorrow night. It's gonna take more than Welch's to get you to tell your tale with enough specificity to satisfy me!" She laughed on the way out.

_Busted. Okay, horsey, let's see those choppers…_

Clean-up took far longer than expected. Cities were built in less time. When we were finished, amidst a stream of curses from Rose for "roping her into this heinous bullshit," Rose announced she was going to home and that tomorrow I owed her both a manicure and, as she put it, "a detailed account of all the damned pipe laying" I should have already told her about.

The following morning, I awoke to the sound of my doorbell ringing repeatedly. I wrapped a crocheted throw around myself and stumbled to the door. When I opened it, Alice was bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Good morning, Alice," I said dryly.

"Hi," she said and pointed back toward her car. "I have something for you!"

"Is it a pianoforte?

"What?"

"Never mind. What is it?"

"Motivation." With that she marched right into the house and drill sergeanted me through getting dressed in snug jeans and a flowing, navy blue shirt. While I dressed, I noticed the huge ring I'd worn the night before and left it exactly where it was, on my nightstand. I made a mental note to put it away when I got home. I was belted into the passenger seat of her car less than twenty minutes after she'd rung my door bell. I had a sneaking suspicion where she was headed.

"Alice, why are we going to the store?"

She smile beatifically.

"Alice?"

This time she glanced over and batted her lashes. I blew out my breath in exasperation.

"You know I avoid that place, right?" I said. The pavement raced by under the car window and I contemplated my chances if I jumped out of it. _Tuck and roll, just tuck and roll._

Alice laughed and hit the steering wheel as she drove. "You? Avoid something? I cannot believe such a thing."

"I am not going to talk to him, Alice." What was I going to do? Just walk up to Edward and strike up a conversation? Dazzle him with witty banter? Was she seriously expecting me to do that, to say more than a two letter salutation when I barely could before? Anything I had to say seemed, at best, magnificently innappropriate. _I know you have a fiancée, but would you like to start dating again? And by again, I mean "at all" since we never went on an actual date._

"Emmett isn't the only one who needs to gather intelligence. I need to properly evaluate one of these looks you say he still gives you." Alice blew her bangs away from face.

"So, no talking?" Why was I suddenly feeling a tad disappointed?

The short trip to the store was already over and Alice put the car in park. She turned to face me and put my face in her hands like someone would if they were explaining about the refrigerator light to a small child. "If you have a stroke trying to work up the nerve to talk to him today, there won't be much point in reminding him that he should be with you."

_Holy shit balls._

Alice had developed an Edward Plan for me.

Inside the store, Alice practically dragged me to the Pet Food aisle that was positioned next to the pharmacy. She said she was going to wait there, over to the side, in a place where she could see him but remain out of his direct line of view. I set off to walk around the store and just "happen" into the pharmacy. My heart was hammering so hard it racked my body and I was afraid to open my eyes all the way for fear they pop right the hell out of my skull.

After a few minutes, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was a text from Alice.

**Where are you? – A**

**Insecticides – B**

**Hurry up already – A**

**What if he doesn't see me? - B**

**Tomorrow is another day – A**

**Can't you just pass him a note and tell him I like him? –B**

I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea that I had gotten dressed and come to a store I typically avoided, with no intent to purchase anything, but rather, to have an encounter that I would normally avoid with a person I vehemently endevoured to avoid.

**Ignoring you. – A**

**I was just kidding. Kinda. – B**

**Where are you now? – A**

**By the shampoo trying to not pass out and I cannot get the weird ass, nervous Cheshire cat grin off my face. Dammit. – B**

**Pull it together – A**

**If I had a camera phone I'd send you a pic of my About to Lose My Shit Entirely face. – B**

By this time I had moved to the aisle nearest the pharmacy on the side opposite Alice. All the perfumed bath salts and body scrubs burned my throat, but I knew I needed to breathe.

**Deep breaths. – A **

It's like she was psychic.

**Where are you now? – A**

**I am by the shampoo being generally creepy. – B**

I think I might've called the cops on myself at this point.

**Maybe I should huff some paint in Home and Garden first – B**

**Now or never. Well, no. Now or I eventually make you do it later. Save me the effort. – A**

I took a few more scratchy breaths and had every intention of stepping into the pharmacy area when I felt my phone vibrate yet again.

**You have to commit to this Bella. I am here for you. – A**

This was Edward. Only Edward. But, the word "only" never seemed like something you could say about Edward. He had meant so much, still meant so much, to me for so long – sometimes the most shocking thing about Edward was that I seemed to be the only one drawn to him this way. There should be a line of people jockeying for a position near him; it was hard to believe it wasn't requisite to the human experience to want him.

It was the most natural thing in the world.

And I could embrace it.

Smiling – a normal, well-adjusted member of society smile not a scary Joker face – I put the phone back in my pocket and stepped into pharmacy, into the aisle directly in front of Edward. I knew Alice had to be located over to the side, but I couldn't make myself look toward her. All I could see was him.

True to form, he looked up from the counter almost immediately. _And there is the smile._

In no more than a second, a parade of feelings marched through my mind. I swear I could almost hear Robert Preston talking about trombones. I was Nervous. Excited. Calm – _really? That realization surprised me_ – because I am near him. Also, a touch mad or sad that this is what I have left of him, these feeble, stolen seconds as I pass in front of his work.

But I'm wasn't passing. I realized I had no reason to be standing in the pharmacy. Instantly, my phone buzzed and I tore my eyes away from Edward's face.

**Buy saline solution – A**

_Whew._

After I snapped my phone shut, my eyes flashed back to Edward and I saw him look quickly away. I bent to grab a bottle from the lower shelf and made to leave, but not before I turned around one last time to see that Edward was looking at me again. He waved goodbye, his hand even with his chest. I returned the wave with a single sweep of my hand and forced myself to walk away at normal human speed.

**Timeline:**

PLEASE leave a review. They mean so much to me!

Bella is getting braver! Know what that means? More/consistent Edward & Bella interaction from this point on!

Because Bella isn't remembering things in chronological order, below is a timeline of the things so far

2000/01 - High school - Bella moves to Forks to live with her father -B & E Never dated in high school - but many encounters

Late August junior year: Football game where Edward and Bella meet (chapter 1)

Summer between sophomore and junior year: Bella begins at to work at Forks Diner. Edward starts a few weeks later. (Chapter 3)

Early Junior year: Angela cancels party and begins calling in to work. The Birthday Kiss (Chapter 3) Jasper and Angela enter into a destructive relationship. (Chapters 4 & 5)

Junior Year: James takes Bella & Alice to a keg party. Edward leaves with Jasper & Angela when he finds out Bella is there. It is suggested that Tanya & Edward got together for the first time that night. (Chapter 5)

Junior year: Career Fair where it is learned that Edward wants to be a pharmacist (chapter 2)

2001/07 - They go away to college - 6 years.

It is suggested that Edward & Tanya are not together during this time. (chapters 1 & 5)

2006 - Bella marries Tyler (mentioned chapter 1)

2007 - Bella Divorces Tyler (mentioned chapter 1)

2008 - The Big Weekend of Edward & Bella (break-up chapter 1)


	6. Chapter 6 2nd Leaf

Chapter 6 – 2nd Leaf

Various colorful boxes blurred as I half-ran from the pharmacy and rounded the corner of a nearby aisle. Alice was there, and she spun to greet me with wide eyes. I knew that look; she was excited. Well, she was always excited, but this was intense. Afraid she might begin squealing right there between the Fancy Feast and rawhide chews, I left the store as fast as I could.

As soon as my shoe touched the parking lot pavement I heard Alice screech behind me.

"Bella!"

I threw her a not-here-not-now look and B-lined it for her car. Despite my haste and her shorter legs, Alice reached the car when I did, mostly due to the jubilant gallop she was performing.

She flung the car door open and hurled herself in to the driver's seat.

"Ooooo! Bella Bella Bella!" Alice stamped the tips of her little shoes on the floormat and she threw her head back and spoke to the ceiling. She continued to thrash about like a kindergartner who discovered an extra Snack Pack.

It didn't look like she was going to calm down anytime soon, but I wasn't really sure I wanted her to anyway. She seemed so excited, I couldn't help letting myself feel a little bit that way as well. As long as she was excited, I could still have hope.

Then, Alice swallowed a gulp of air and steadied herself by balancing her flat palms on the edge of the steering wheel. "Oh, Bella, it's worse than we imagined."

_Worse? _The little balloon in me burst. _Splendid._

"He can't look away. When you were looking at your phone – when he knew you couldn't see him – he was staring. Big time."

"Alice, you're confusing me. How is that worse? I mean…"

"Worse for him. Because he is obsessed with you, silly!"

"I don't know about that."

"Well, I saw him. I saw the way he was looking at you."

_Seriously? _I wanted her to be right. I thought I should feel ecstatic at hearing something like that, that he seemed to still be interested in me; but, I was detached and overwhelmed. I wanted to be jubilant, but I felt like I was watching a film of myself.

Alice's face fell slightly and I knew it was in response to my less-than-enthusiastic reaction.

"Don't get me wrong," I said, and made sure I was looking directly at her face. "I am excited and grateful to you for this moment. It's just a bit much, I guess."

Satisfied, Alice started the car and, when we were on the road, called Rose.

"Mission accomplished. All clear on this end." Alice winked at me and she spoke with in mock seriousness. I could hear what sounded like Rose on the other end for a few minutes.

Alice spoke again. "Sounds great. I'll have her there."

She hung up and went silently back to driving with a pronounced grin. I caught her throwing sideways glances at me and she appeared to be trying not to laugh.

I knew she was trying to get me to ask her what Rose said, and as much as I didn't want to let her win this silly little game, I could stand it no longer. "Fine! Alice, don't tell me what's going on. That's fine. Why should I care? It's just my life, so go ahead and be all The-Eagle-Has-Landed with Rose. No biggie. I'm just along for the ride."

Alice erupted in laughter, no doubt satisfied that she achieved her desired reaction. "Rose has been busy. Let's go get ready. Put on your Sunday finest. We are going to dinner at the Cullens'."

_Wha…_

The next thing I knew, Alice was snapping her fingers in front of my face and looking both amused and concerned.

"You left me for a minute there, hon," Alice said, snapping one more time for good measure.

I cleared my throat, feeling a bit ridiculous for overreacting. I resolved to handle things better from now on. _I'm being stupid. I am a mature, mildly successful woman. I do presentations and conduct international teleconferences. I will not lose it over going to dinner at someone's house. _I was quite convincing. I almost believed myself.

"How…" I cleared my throat. "How does that work? I mean, how did you make that happen?"

Alice, who had reached my house by now, pulled in to the driveway. "Emmett."

With that, she hopped out of the car and retrieved a giant duffle bag from the trunk.

Alice, with her back hunched under the weight of the stuffed bag, tapped the window glass and motioned for me to follow her in. I must have still been staring at her vacated seat trying to come to terms with the reality that the next time I ate I'd be sitting in Dr. Cullen's dining room.

One might think that having several hours to get ready for a dinner, even a rather dressy one, might be plenty. One might also think that a person such as myself who has managed to get up every day and leave the house fully and appropriately dressed for going on three decades could be entrusted to accomplish said state of clothed.

Alice was not amongst the collective of "one."

The duffle was bursting with items ranging from skirts to heels to lacy, uncomfortable looking underthings.

"I am _not _wearing this," I said, holding up an electric blue number by the adjustable straps.

Alice snatched it away. "Of course not." She shoved it back in the bag and began to rummage around in it. "Not today."

"Alice!"

Ignoring me, she pulled out a wad of fabric items that I could not identify and traipsed over to lay them out on my bed. "There's no point today. I don't expect him to take you right there under the pot roast."

"Alice!"

"Bella, calm down for Pete's sake. All you need to do is wear what I tell you and be yourself."

"Over-dressed and incoherent mumbler? Gee, I sound like quiet the catch."

Alice huffed and placed her hands on her hips. "Over-dressed? Give me some credit. I know what we're going for here… and it's not trying to pass the dress code at Lobby." _At where? Nevermind, not important now. _With that, she moved to reveal a very simple lavender slip dress and delicate coordinating flats. Beside them on the bed were a matching set of ivory silk bra and boy shorts.

I was stunned, in a pleasant way. The outfit was understated and I would feel comfortable in it. She even avoided high heels.

"Wow… Alice, I don't know what to say." I ran my finger along the soft, light purple fabric.

"I knew you'd love it."

I fixed apple cider and Alice fixed my hair into smooth waves that swirled lightly at the end. Due to the length of my hair, she finished off by holding it back in a thin head band that blended into its color.

Before I knew it, between getting ready and catching up with one another, Alice was kissing me on the nose and telling me I was perfect as we headed out the door to dinner.

I'd like to say that I was surprised to see how big or how lovely the Cullens' house was. I'd like to say that, but I couldn't. Because I was not surprised. Because I had been there before.

Granted, I'd never been inside before, but...I had driven out once while still in high school just to see it, to have something, anything more of Edward. If they'd lived in town, it would've been nothing to drive by a boy's house. I'd tried to tell myself that it wasn't that weird to drive way out in the boonies and down a private drive that wound through dense woods to do the same thing. _Yeah, I didn't buy that either._ I'd turned around once I'd seen the incredible landscaping and five car garage, all the while hoping that no one had heard my clunker staggering away.

It was fairly early, barely 5:00, so I was relieved to see Rose's car was already in the driveway. She greeted us on the wraparound porch that dominated the front of the house.

"Hi." Rose eyed me approvingly then addressed Alice. "Emmett's out back."

Outback sounded like a term for a place that should be littered with rusted-out, old jalopies or where one might threaten to bury the body of a boy if he doesn't behave when he takes an eldest daughter on a their first date. Outback at the Cullens' meant an exquisite garden. I hadn't even been aware that many of the items it contained could be maintained in our wet climate. Most of the larger plants were mature; wisteria vines and bushes, low-growth roses, and one large willow. There were winding stone paths that intersected between huge patches of clover and lead to the largest rock-lined fire pit I'd ever seen.

Emmett was leaning on a limestone wall and tossing pebbles into a little fish pond. He turned as we approached.

"Hey, ladies," he said, and took Rose's hand. They shared a silent exchange then Rose looked up toward the house as if to make sure we were alone.

"Here's the deal," she began and then glanced at the driveway. "Edward will be here any moment. We thought he was coming later…"

"But he ended up needing to head out of town right after dinner," Emmett said, rather irritably, and kicked a small rock off the path as we walked.

Rose nudged him. From his actions, I began to feel that Emmett was not as gung-ho for this plan as I'd been lead to believe. Over the years, he and Rose had included me in several little outings, but it occurred to me that I've never had a real one-on-one conversation with him.

"Emmett, I realize that we don't really know one another very well." I cleared the lump of nerves that had formed in my throat. "So, if this is an imposition… I don't want to cause problems."

He faced me and placed both of his huge hands on my shoulders. "Bella, that's where you're wrong, I _do _know you as well as anyone could." He removed his hands and rubbed the back of his neck. "I mean, Rose talks about you all the time. Hell, I've spent most of my life hearing about you constantly. That's what makes me so sure this is the right thing to do."

I really didn't know what to say. I leaned in and gave him a hug. It seemed like the thing to do; he'd pretty much just said he wanted his brother to end up with me. We kept walking along the path until we reached an entrance at the back of the house that was shaded by a huge upper level deck. Along the way, Alice and Rose explained that the evening was set up so Alice could meet with Mrs. Cullen. She was coming to dinner and planning on speaking with her about investing in a clothing line that Alice was starting. Dr. Cullen and Esme had married a few years ago, and while I had seen her around town, I'd never formally met her.

"Esme's the best," Emmett said with a huge grin. "She used to be a stockbroker, but now she trades from home and invests on the side."

As he held the door open for us I could hear the crunch of a car rolling into the drive. My heart rate picked up.

"Bella, it's going to be okay." Alice squeezed my hand reassuringly.

It was nice of her to reassure me, but I really was feeling much better about the whole evening than I'd thought I might. I was surrounded by my friends and it seemed I could count Emmett in that number as well; it was impossible not to feel safe around someone like Emmett. I caught sight of my reflection in one of the large windows and felt a little surge of pride at how nice Alice had made me look. I felt like the best possible version of myself.

The interior of the house was sleek and modern, with marble tiles and glossy hardwoods. An ornate wrought iron rail lined the staircase that dominated the open floor plan. Soft string music played on an unseen sound system. Dr. Cullen emerged from one of the many archways carrying a serving bowl.

"Well, hello. I didn't realize you'd come in. Just let me set this down and I'll be right back." He headed down a corridor and called out behind him. "Dear, our guests are here."

As Emmett led us toward the room from which Dr. Cullen had emerged, a very lovely woman, who was undoubtedly Esme, appeared with her arms extended. She smiled warmly at everyone and drew Emmett into a hug before turning to Rose and doing the same.

"So kids," she addressed Emmett and Rose and inclined her head toward Alice and I, indicating that it was time for introductions.

Emmett straightened and appeared a little embarrassed at having forgotten the formalities. "Esme, this is Rose's friend Alice," he said. Alice stepped forward offering her hand. "She's the one who recently moved back and would like to start her own business." Esme took Alice's hand in both of hers. It was easy to see that Esme was a caring person, which made me happy since Dr. Cullen had always seemed like such a nice man.

Emmett shifted to stand closer to me. "And this is…"

"Bella?" I could barely hear a velvety voice above the music, but it was unmistakable.

"Yes, Edward," Esme spoke louder and leaned slightly to see around our group. "We were just getting acquainted." She took my hand and held it much like she had Alice's. "It seems that you already know Rose's friend," she said, still speaking to Edward.

As if in slow motion, I turned in the direction of Edward's voice._ How does he feel about me being here? Happy? Angry? Overcome with longing? Ugh, shake that off. Don't think like that. _I knew that he had no reason to feel ambushed since he had no idea that I was there by anything more than coincidence, but a wave of concern that he'd be genuinely displeased at my presence hit me.

He was wearing charcoal dress slacks and a crisp, white dress shirt. His normal disarray of bronze hair was more subdued than usual. I couldn't tell you what his shoes looked like because, well, why bother looking there? There was so much other better stuff to look at.

His face held a single notion: shocked. I couldn't read anything beyond that. _Flying blind here, Cullen. _

He was frozen. We'd been standing closer to one another earlier today at the store, but he was frozen there in the entryway. _Walk up to him and say hello. Or shake his hand. Or rip the buttons of his shirt and commence with defiling the pot roast._

Rose nudged me and my foot moved forward in response. She knew what she was doing; with that first step, inertia kicked in and I continued toward Edward. He didn't seem alarmed, if anything his face relaxed fractionally, and the look of shock gave way to something different. _Amused? Pleased?_

I was aware that Edward had not looked at anyone else because I had not looked away from him for a second. And though it seemed like this moment was taking a lifetime, I knew it had been mere seconds since he'd entered the room. As I drew near, there was movement behind him.

It was a person. _Oh god, is it her? It must be his fiancée. What the fuck am I doing? _

My steps faltered and what I was feeling must have shown on my face because his brow furrowed faintly. The person behind him bumped his shoulder when rounding the corner to enter the room; it was Jasper. He was holding a few empty serving dishes. I turned to see a rather surprised Alice gaping at a laughing Emmett. Rose shrugged her shoulders in a too innocent claim of ignorance.

Jasper, walking toward the group, did a little double-take when he was beside me and then looked quickly back at Edward. "Hi, Bella," he said pleasantly as he passed, leaving Edward and I alone.

Alone.

_Holy hell._

It was my moment. The group behind us had begun talking. It was just Edward and I in the doorway. He looked amazing. He smelled amazing. He was amazing. And, I had to admit, I didn't look half-bad myself. My moment. _Seize it._ _Carpe Diem. Stand and deliver. Remind him he should be with me, like Alice said. Say something that opens up the discussion I've wanted to have for years. Be eloquent. Be confident. Be a goddess._

"Hi."

_Of. Fucking. Course._

A crooked smile broke across his face and he looked as though he meant to take a full step forward, but faltered and seemed to stop himself short. "Hello, Bella."

No longer looking exclusively shocked, Edward's faced registered a measure of questioning; doubtless, he was wondering how it came to be that I was crashing his weekly family dinner.

"Alice moved back to town recently and she has some sort of meeting with Esme. They invited me along. Since I'm friends with Rose and Alice." Not the most coherent sentence ever uttered, but it answered his unspoken question and it was a damn sight better than another "hi." I decided to chalk that up as improvement.

He swallowed thickly and nodded a couple of times. "Oh. It's nice to see you," he said. His arm extended and, for a moment, I allowed myself to think that he was going to take my arm or draw me in an embrace. Instead, he raised it quickly and ran his long fingers through his hair. _Is he nervous? Does he think I'm going to make some sort of scene? _

"Don't worry, Edward. I know this is uncomfortable. Let's try to make the best of it."

His mouth opened for a moment, but then he closed it, pursed his lips and nodded his headed three times. We returned to the group wordlessly, but I was acutely aware of him walking beside me. I had to will myself to focus on what my feet were doing; it would've been be so easy to forget how to walk with him distracting me. I couldn't help myself and I chanced a look at his face, which was closer to me than it had been at any point in just over two years. I faced forward, but when my eyes swept to the side, I thought I saw his dart away quickly.

We followed the group, which was now talking animatedly, and entered the kitchen. Jasper walked to the counter and placed the clean dishes there. Dr. Cullen was already present, apparently having entered through a different route.

"You must be Alice, right?" Dr. Cullen said as he and Alice shook hands.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Cullen. I was just telling Esme what a beautiful home you have." Alice's voice traveled up on the last few words as Jasper moved in so closely behind her I was fairly certain he had brushed against her. Alice's face flushed and one of the biggest smiles I'd ever seen broke out across her face. She glanced at me as if to say that she knew she'd be embarrassed about her reaction later, but she really couldn't help it then. I noticed Esme turn to put away the things that Jasper had brought. From my angle it, I could see that Esme had a smile on her face rivaling Alice's; she'd seen what was going on between the pair and approved.

"You may call me Carlisle. And, thank you Alice, but I can't take the credit. Esme does far more to make it a home than I ever did."

People began gathering the dishes of food that were spread over the center island and formed a procession to the dining room. I noted, somewhat gratefully, that there was no roast. There was one platter of salmon filets and several other side dishes. While many of the others left, Dr. Cullen reintroduced himself to me. I noticed that Edward remained behind after the others had gone. As I picked up a bowl of herbed potatoes, Edward and his father shared a silent exchange.

I wasn't sure where the dining room was, so I waited for Carlisle to lead the way. When we got there, Jasper was just finishing pushing in Alice's chair. He sat down beside her.

The dining table was huge. I placed the dish in an open space and tried to determine where I should sit. _Why does this seem like such a big deal? Like I'm negotiating a land deal or something? It's just a dinner, just a chair._ Rose looked up at me and patted a seat beside her. By the time I reached it there was only one other chair open and it was directly across from me. That's where Edward would be sitting. I busied myself spreading my napkin in my lap as he sat. As he pulled his chair out, he appeared to be observing the whispered conversation into which Japer and Alice had fallen.

Dinner came and went. I barely noticed the taste of anything on my plate and regretted that I'd served myself as much food as I had. If I'd thought that the phenomenon of Edward and I looking at each other with several feet and a pharmacy counter between us was awkwardly fascinating, it was nothing in comparison to sitting directly across the table from him. Everyone else engaged in animated conversations. I spent my time playing visual tag with Edward; I'd look up and Edward would look away. I alternated between stealing glances at him and willing him to speak to me, though I didn't know what I expected him to say. _Nice to see you? How's it been? Any better in bed? _

I shuddered involuntarily. He must have noticed me do so, since his fork stilled. "Are you okay?" He spoke softly and no one else appeared to notice.

"I'm fine. Thanks."

"We can turn the heat on. Or, did you bring a jacket?"

"No, no I'm fine." It was ironic that he'd think I was chilly since I felt more feverish than anything. _I think even my ass is sweating. _

"It was delicious as always, Esme," he said, standing up from the table and excusing himself. "It's such a nice day outside. Warm." He gathered up his dishes. "Bella, would you walk with me?"

"Sure," I heard myself say. When I made to gather up my things as well, I noticed that Jasper looked at me, then Edward, with narrowed eyes. It seemed as though Alice placed a hand on his knee and he coughed softly then turned away.

Edward was waiting for me on the porch when I got there. He was leaning out and looking over the rails. He didn't turn as I approached.

"How have you been?" He ran his first and middle fingers along the grain of the wooden deck rail.

"Okay," I said, hating myself for not having a better response. What was I supposed to say? _Great, except that I think about you all day, every day? Fantastic, unless you let a little thing like festering, unrequited love concern you?_

"And you? How are things with you?"

"Fine." He volleyed away my query as effortlessly as I had his. Pushing himself up from the rails he looked at me and motioned toward the garden in invitation.

Wordlessly, we left the porch and walked into the garden area, the smooth stones of the pathways passing under our feet. No one led, neither of got any closer or farther away from the other. We were like magnets fighting their poles; if one got closer the other moved equally farther away, assuring we would never make contact. We merely negotiated the subtle turns and walked deeper into the garden.

"How's your dad?" he finally asked.

"Doing well. I don't see him as much as I used to. He's been seeing someone for a while now."

"Really? I figured him for a life-long bachelor." He half-smiled.

"Honestly? Me, too. I thought he'd never get over my mom," I said, and then heard myself unthinkingly continue. "It just takes some people a long time to move on."

He took a deep breath and appeared to have considered responding to me but then change his mind. "Do you think you'll stay around here then? I mean, you said you'd stayed here for him."

"Well," I began, but I didn't really have an answer. I was going to be finding out how I felt about this as I spoke. "I don't really have anything to keep me here. But, I don't really have any reason to leave, either."

When we reached an area near the thick woods, Edward stopped suddenly and I lost my balance trying not to crash into him. I grabbed at his waist and he reached for my shoulders. Perhaps I should have been mortified, but I was half expecting to slip at some point, so I was somewhat mentally prepared. Once I was steady, Edward loosed his grip on my shoulders. His fingertips grazed along my bare arms as he let go.

He was looking at me with such intensity. I knew that there was so much going on in his life, but it didn't matter then. _Hold me, Edward. Please hold me. And don't let go. _

I'd scarcely finished that thought when I recalled how spectacularly I'd failed when he'd last held me. How I'd proved myself to be so much less than the others he'd been with. Even if he was completely available, even if he wanted me for a moment, I wouldn't be able to hold onto him.

Edward was facing me and I realized that his hands had stopped traveling down my arm but he was still touching my left hand. He bent his fingers gently so that they touched my palm. His thumb played across the skin on the back of my hand.

"Um, thanks for catching me," I croaked out.

"No problem." He looked down at where his thumb was drawing circles. After a long moment he spoke again. "Bella, I… miss you."

I found myself staring at the space where we touched as well. In averting his face, it was easier to speak. "I've missed you, too." I paused to judge whether it was wise to say the other thing that I was considering. I still wasn't thinking as clearly as I'd have liked, but I proceeded nonetheless.

"It doesn't have to be like this. We can be friends." _I could settle for friends. It was better than nothing. I'm an expert settler. _

His thumb altered its movement and pressed faintly harder into my hand. "Friends." He let out air in what sounded like relief.

"It makes sense. We have friends who are already friends with each other."

"Friends is good." He looked back up in the direction of the house and stilled. I turned to see what had affected him. Jasper was now on the deck overlooking the garden. From his vantage point, I was certain he'd seen the entire exchange, though he probably couldn't hear it.

"We should probably go back," he said, and slowly released my hand, following it as it fell to my side.


	7. Chapter 7 Bifurcate Purposes

I've started a Twitter account. You can follow me Quantumfizzx if you'd like. I will announce when I've put new chapters up, etc.

In case anyone missed the note in the last chapter, the EPOV one-shot that goes with this story is posted now. It's called "Quoting Frost." I'd like to take a moment to thank those folks who left reviews for it as well. It was so touching to know that it was well-received. If you are one of the ones avoiding reading that so you don't get spoiled, I will make a note in a future chapter when everything has been revealed here that the one-shot reveals.

...

Chapter 7 – Bifurcate Purposes

Edward and Jasper headed out shortly after we reached the house. Though, initially, I hadn't been certain Alice was serious about starting her own business, she and Esme spent a great deal of time in Esme's study discussing things. Rose and Emmett passed much of that time with me, but eventually went off by themselves for a walk after asking me if I minded. I could hardly deny them; the rare weather made for a lovely evening.

I tried to watch television, but I found myself wandering around the living room. There was a small, built-in book shelf that contained a broad mix of everything from Tolkien to O'Connor, Kooser to Frost. On the lowest shelf, there were several well-loved copies of Beatrix Potter books. I opened the Kooser and couldn't help my smile when I noticed _Dishwater_ in the table of contents. I turned to it, but the next poem stirred something in me.

"What I would do for wisdom,"

I cried out as a young man.

Evidently not much. Or so it seems.

Even on walks I follow the dog.

From_ Each Time I Go Outside_

By Ted Kooser

"That's one of my favorites." Carlisle had entered the room unheard, but his demeanor was so calming I didn't even jump when he surprised me. I smiled and returned the book to the shelf.

"I have to say Doct…Carlisle, that I was surprised to see the book. He's not as famous as some others." I ran my finger along the spine, making sure it was aligned with the other books.

He smiled. "Well, just because not everyone has noticed how wonderful something is, doesn't make it any less so." He eyed the books. "Edward offered most of those to me when he came back from school."

"Really?" I tried not to look stunned. I'd never seen Edward read a thing, even assigned work in high school. He'd found it a bragging point that he could ace an exam on b.s. power alone. "I mean, I never saw him as a reader."

"I don't think he was until he went away to college. It affected him." Carlisle looked away for a moment, as if he was remembering something, then he blinked it away. "So, Bella. It's been a long time since you've come to visit me," he said jokingly.

"Yes, I rarely do anything exciting enough to result in stitches these days."

We walked toward the wall-size window that overlooked the garden. It was nearly dark out now and I thought I saw fireflies hovering around the bushes. I stared out to where Edward and I had stood together earlier.

He laughed softly. "So, I'm told you have a degree in English. You don't teach?"

"No, I wanted to teach at a college or university, but those positions are difficult to come by and I need a more advanced degree if I want to compete. It didn't make sense, economically, to pursue it. Plus, I had wanted to stay around here."

I looked out the window and I thought his eyes moved as if he were following the fireflies, too.

I meant to express my gratitude for dinner, but noticed Edward's face among a large collection of pictures on a nearby wall. There were a dozen prints of varied size, some color and some black and white, of the boys as infants and skipping ahead to ones from their teen years as well as some taken more recently. Carlisle looked at me and then looked to where I was looking. I don't know if I walked there or if he led me, but soon we stood in front of them. _Edward as a baby was unearthly beautiful. A cherub._

_Shocker._

"These are amazing."

"Thank you. Portraits are the most valuable art. Family is important," he said and straightened a crooked frame on one of the baby pictures.

I wanted to reach out and touch the one of Edward that must have been taken during high school. I felt my arm move up involuntarily. Not really wanting to expose poor Dr. Cullen to the full force of my freakdom where his son was concerned, I stepped back and returned to the window. He didn't follow me immediately. I watched the last slivers of light fade from the yard until I heard Alice enter the room saying goodbye to Esme. Her voice broke me from my thoughts and only then did I notice Carlisle's reflection in the glass. I felt certain he had been observing me rather than the yard. I thought back over my actions and hoped I hadn't done anything terribly embarrassing.

The following week went quickly. Despite our corporate visitors, work was a dull as ever. The only thing close to excitement on my schedule was a date with Jacob on Monday. It might have been exciting on my schedule, but it was tedious and awkward in reality. Despite his good looks and pleasant disposition, I really couldn't see him as anything other than a little brother. _Which probably means he is a healthy decision. Ugh, why do I do this to myself? Oh, yeah, I recall why. Because I tried to do something like that before, something normal, and wound up divorced. _Our goodnight under the yellow bug light on my porch involved an awkward almost-kiss and the official Let's Just Be Friends two-pat on the back hug. Despite all my clues, he still seemed to think he was taking me out again next time he came to town.

On Friday, just as I was finishing up a shameful amount of DVR programs, Alice called. She'd been busy all week meeting with Esme and had set up a trip to a nearby business in which Esme had recently invested.

"So, we're going there tomorrow to check things out," she said. "It will give me an idea of the kind of rapport Esme has with her partners and it sounds like fun."

"First, what's with this 'we' stuff you're talking about? And, second, I don't think that picking blueberries or whatever is my idea of fun."

"Really? What are you doing now?"

I muted the TV.

"Nothing."

"Uh-huh."

"Fine, I'm watching _Dancing with the Stars _highlights…again." Ouch. My head hung low.

"I'll pick you up at ten."

I noticed that she had not answered my question about who "we" included. I'd done a pretty good job of busying myself into a frenzy of distraction ever since seeing and speaking with _him_ at dinner last weekend, but I had a sneaking suspicion that the inclusion of me in this little venture meant that the forecast predicted cloudy with strong chance of Edward.

At 9:45 the next morning my front door bell was getting a workout. I hopped toward it trying to slip my foot into an old hiking boot.

"Coming!"

It kept ringing. And ringing.

"Coming!"

My foot slid in and I clomped the final steps to the door amidst the continual buzzing.

"I said 'Coming,' Alice! You're early!" I flung the door open and was immediately aware that far too much of the morning daylight was blocked by the body standing there than would have been if it were Alice.

"Emmett? Um, good morning, Emmett?" It was really more of a question. I could barely believe that Alice got me to pick blueberries; I couldn't imagine Emmett agreeing to this excursion.

"Coming already?" He laughed. "Did I ring your bell?"

I rolled my eyes and tried to look offended as I lifted my boot up to tie it. "Seriously Emmett? You think that's appropriate?"

His eyes widened. "Oh, wow, Bella… um, sorry. I just – "

I laughed and swatted at his arm as I passed through the door and onto the porch. "Gotcha."

I heard him let out a short, surprised laugh behind me.

The ride to Sequim was only a bit longer than to nearby Port Angeles. Along the way, I retold everyone the details, what little there were, of my garden conversation with Edward.

"So, you just left it at friends?" Emmett asked, leaning up from his spot in the back.

Rose lightly tugged him back next to her. "What did you want her to do? Profess her undying love for him right there? Don't you think that might have freaked him right the fuck out?"

Emmett shrugged. "You never know. Maybe he'd have liked it. It's always nice to hear someone loves you."

"I love you. You're a moron." Rose crossed her arms and then looked at me. "So, what is your plan for today?"

_Plan? _"Hey, this was your idea guys. I've got my work cut out for me just trying to stay vertical and form coherent sentences around him."

"Point taken," Alice chimed in. "Esme is riding up with Edward and she will ride back with us. I'll be shadowing her, and Emmett and Rose will be doing whatever they do when they're together. So, it will appear natural that you and Edward would be around each other until he heads out."

"Heads out?" I asked.

It was Emmett's turn to huff disgustedly. He looked out the side window as the trees flew by. "He drives up north a few days every week."

I turned silently around in my seat and looked out the windshield. Of course he does. Of course he visits the woman he is going to marry on a regular basis. _Am I that girl? The one who comes along and screws up peoples' lives? Who am I to think that I know better, that I have some sort of claim here?_

"Bella." Alice took the hand closest to me off the wheel and squeezed my arm softly. "Put it out of your mind."

I sighed and continued to look out the window. "I don't know, Alice. I'm wondering if I'm a terrible person for…well, for whatever it is that we're doing." She squeezed me again and returned to the wheel. She looked as though she was looking for something to say, but Rose beat her to it.

"Listen, Bella, I've watched you live and, well…for lack for a better word, whither, for too long. At the very least, you need to find out how Edward truly felt about you. That would've been my suggestion for a very long time now: closure. That may be an overused term, but it's apt.

"But, now Emmett has finally shared some of his thoughts on the matter," she said and looked at Emmett with exaggerated irritation.

"And I think that too many people have spent too much time wasting their lives." I heard Emmett's heavy frame slap back against the seat. I turned to look at him and saw that it was his turn to stare out the window.

"Are you sure Emmett?" I asked.

He continued to look out the window. "Trust me. If Edward really wanted to be with her, he would be already." He looked at me for a moment and sighed like a kid who dropped his ice cream cone. "Otherwise, I sure as hell wouldn't waste my day on an organic fucking farm."

When we arrived at Cedarbrook Farm, Edward's empty car was parked near the gift shop. The shop was an old, white converted farmhouse situated on a hillside covered in plants of every color. Inside, the smell of aromatherapy concoctions hung in the air; or maybe it was the rows and rows of drying herbs and flowers that hung from the ceiling. I could hear Esme conversely pleasantly with someone from within an office area. After a moment, Edward walked quietly out of the office. Emmett pounced on him as if they hadn't seen each other in years. Edward returned the hug, then shoved his hands in his jeans pockets as they walked outside.

We followed after them and Alice elbowed me when we caught Edward look back in our direction a second time.

"Okay guys," Alice said, and stopped at the top of the porch. "This is where we part ways." She headed in to meet with Esme while Rose and Emmett practically vaporized into the fields.

I came to stand beside Edward. His arms were stiff and his hands were still jammed down into his pockets. He was looking out over the hill and down toward the cutting gardens and acres of blueberries. He rocked back on his heels once as we stood elbow to elbow.

"Shall we, Friend?" One corner of his mouth turned up as he spoke.

I felt myself smile and then I nodded, grabbing two buckets and handing him one of them as we headed down the hillside.

"So, how was your week?" I asked, and noticed he laughed once then shrugged.

"I work in a box. My weeks are all pretty much the same." We kept walking past the rows of berries, which had presumably been picked clean by previous patrons, and hiked toward the farther fields. "And yours?"

"I prepare spreadsheets and reword electronic product manuals into easily understandable descriptions for phone reps to recite. What do you think?" I hopped over a particularly muddy patch.

"Exciting."

"Terribly."

We stopped once we reached a remote area of the field and there were several full bushes nearby. Edward crouched low and began plucking and brushing the ripe berries into his bucket. I observed him for a moment and then tried to copy his method. It didn't work so well. Where he got several in one pass, my container had three whole berries rolling around in it after several attempts.

"I get the impression that this is more difficult than you make it look," I said.

He stopped and looked down at his nearly quarter full bucket. "It just takes the right touch. Leave behind the ones that aren't worth it and grab the good ones."

"It looks like you are barely trying and they just fling themselves at you… your bucket." _Why must I be so awkward at everything? I would surely have starved in a hunter-gatherer society._

Edward showed me again and was rewarded with more than a handful. I stared at the unyielding clusters in front of me, my thighs now starting to burn from the prolonged crouch, and shook out my hand to limber it up. Then I blew into it like I was rolling dice. I tried to mimic what he'd shown me, but only one came free and I managed to squish that one. Purple juice ran down my palm.

"You're overthinking it." He laughed and moved closer. "Here, let me help you."

Edward put his hand over the back of mine and played my fingers like the keys of a piano. Berries rained down into my bucket.

"Wow. You're an expert. Do you do this often?" I was still having some difficulty picturing any of the Cullens doing something so pedestrian. _I bet Emmett is beside himself._

Edward smiled and shook his head. "Nah, I've stopped a couple of times since Esme first invested in it." I knew he meant he'd stopped a couple of time on his way up north to visit, but I tried not to let that thought color face.

"You've missed your calling as a gentleman farmer, have you? Only a few times out and you're a pro."

He laughed. "It must be like riding a bike." He shook his head at his own remark. "Or, whatever analogy might actually work here." I laughed in return.

We worked quietly for a few moments. I was aware of his every move. I couldn't help cataloging everything about him; it was so strange to be near him after all this time. Strange and wonderful. And scary. I had to admit to myself then that I was so content to be around him, so grateful in a weird way that we could be near again, that it was already painful to imagine that these little encounters were not likely to happen often. I knew my friends were entertaining the delusion – and hell, I wanted them to pull me along in their little red band wagon – that Edward and I had some sort of future. But, it was more likely that the best I could hope for friends of a sort. I needed to resign myself to make it my mission to learn about why things went the way they did. Then, maybe, just maybe, I could take that knowledge and assimilate it and try to avoid making the same mistakes in the future with someone else.

Someone else? That was such a foreign notion; for as long as I could remember, the only thing I'd truly wanted was to be Edward's. How many brides look in the mirror on their wedding day and tell themselves that they have the strength to walk down the aisle and marry a man that they care about so much less than the guy they've cared about forever? I told myself that I was choosing to engage myself in life instead of holding out for an impossible dream. I thought I was strong that day. Now, I'm not so sure.

"So this is a lot of blueberries," he said after a prolonged silence. "What are you going to do with them?" He looked at my face and then at all the berries I had amassed.

I raised one shoulder. "Make a bunch of muffins, I guess. Or, pancakes." I thought to inquire about the fate of his, but it occurred to me that he was probably not the one who would be making them into anything.

"Yum." He smacked his lips exaggeratedly.

"Yum? You have blind faith. How would you know? You've never had my cooking," I teased.

He shrugged his shoulders. "I bought everything you ever donated to choir bake sales."

I gaped at him and he just laughed and went back to work.

We continued picking until both of our buckets were full. Edward helped me after he, of course, filled his bucket long before I did. There wasn't a great deal of conversation, and I found myself feeling a combination of relieved and grateful; relieved that nothing awkward came up and grateful because the silence between us was comfortable and pleasant. I knew we were treading a thin line in trying to be amiable and friendly but not bring up the past during these first interactions. _First interactions? Here I thought I had myself under control, but it seems like I'm already counting on more time with him. How is that going to work? I can't just keep popping up at his family outings. _

"Looks like my work's done here." Edward stood up and stretched. His arms went above his head as he twisted and a strip of skin became visible between his shirt and pants. Though his skin wasn't tan, it was definitely smooth and there was a trail of hair leading to… _oh, my._ I made a 90 degree turn hoping he hadn't seen where I was looking but I knew my eyes were still wide. A few berries spilled out of my jostled bucket.

"Hey," he said, and reached out to grab the swaying bucket by the handle. "Don't waste all our hard work." His hand closed over the top of mine.

I turned at the waist to face him. He was standing so closely my shoulder brushed against him. The sun was directly behind, shadowing his face. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but I realized I didn't know what to say.

I breathed in quickly and was about to offer some thanks on behalf of my harvest, but the generic bing-bongs of the T-Mobile ringtone interrupted my thoughts.

Edward stepped back and fished the phone out of his front pocket.

"Hello?" He looked at me quickly but I couldn't quite read his expression. He held up a hand in what must have been meant to be a gesture of apology and moved several paces away with his back to me. I busied myself by pulling free a few more berries while he spoke.

I couldn't make out much of what he was saying, and I was trying not to. But, the tenor of his voice changed after a few moments and it became more difficult to ignore his conversation. I stepped a few more bushes away and tried to distract myself there.

"No, that doesn't make it alright. No, that's not what I…" He huffed and took a few more steps away. Again I concentrated on what I was trying to look like I gave a crap about doing. "No, it's not. It's just common fucking courtesy. Common _decency_ not to do that." His open palm smacked his thigh once. "Yeah. Later."

He snapped his phone shut and, while he faced away from me, it looked like he was shaking the conversation from his system. He walked back over to where we had been standing and scooped up his bucket.

"Looks as though my trip is cancelled."

"Oh," I said. I opened my mouth again to say more, but then couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make it clear that I'd heard his conversation and how upset he sounded. I grabbed off another berry.

He waited a beat and when I didn't continue he spoke again. "I'm going to head home, I guess. I don't really need all of these. Any chance you'd want to make a really big batch of muffins?"

I had to laugh a little at that. Edward furrowed his eyebrows, no doubt wondering what was wrong with me. "I'm sorry," I said, smiling. "It's just, well, I wasn't exactly thrilled to be coming here in the first place and now I have a crapload of fruit I'm going to feel compelled to do something with. That is, whenever Alice lets me escape."

"Oh, well, I didn't mean to give you more work. I was just… never mind." He scrunched up his mouth for a moment, then put on a more pleasant look. We began walking back up the hillside.

"Hey, why did you come if you didn't want to?" He glanced over to me as we walked.

"It felt like the thing to do, to support Alice in her new project." I heard myself speaking, but my mind was shouting other truths. _To be around you._

"Are you working with her?"

"Not in any official capacity." _Yes, I'm working with her, or her with me, or however you want to look at it. But, you, of all people, don't really want to look at it too closely._

I could see Rose and Emmett on the white porch of the farmhouse/gift shop. Rose was leaning on a pillar looking out at the sea of colorful plants and flowers with a look of genuine appreciation on her face. Emmett was beside her and looking at her in nearly the same way.

I slowed my pace and came to a stop near an herb patch. "Edward?" _What am I thinking? _I know what I'm about to ask, even though the words haven't fully formed in my mind. _Why am I about to ask him this? _

"Friend?" Again, I felt taken aback at him calling me that. I wasn't sure why it made me feel warm and closer to him when the word meant something entirely different than how it made me react. He stopped as well and also appeared to be looking ahead at the farmhouse.

"Can I ride back with you? I mean, since you're leaving early." I rushed through the explanation of my last words.

It was Edward's turn to look a bit shocked. "Uh… sure?" His agreement sounded more like a question.

All the nerves I'd been swallowing in order to ask him that question broke through the surface, blossomed, and I feared that I'd begin stammering if I spoke anymore. I knew I should keep my mouth shut, but I really didn't want to make him feel obligated to take me.

"Or, not." I blurted out. "I mean, I don't want to be an imposition."

The color drained from his face for a moment and I wondered what I might have said to cause that reaction. He recovered quickly and spoke again. "No, nothing like that. You're welcome to come along. I just… are you sure you want to?"

"Why wouldn't I want to?" As soon as I asked, I realized that, of course, he'd think I didn't want to be alone with him. We'd never discussed what happened with us. It was bound to get weird in a long car ride.

Before he could respond, Emmett was bounding over to us. "This place is great! Did you see the cute little cabins? And the flowers? And the café?" He rubbed his belly. "The food is amazing!"

I stood there, no doubt looking dumbfounded. This was the last reaction I expected from Emmett about the trip he'd so begrudgingly come on.

Edward was staring at him as well. "Have you seen my brother anywhere? Big guy. Hetero."

"Shut up." Emmett smacked him. "What are you two up to?"

"Actually, we're done. And my plans fell through." Edward spoke the last few words through gritted teeth, then relaxed and continued speaking. "So, I think we're going to head back early."

Emmett's eyebrows flew up and he looked at me. _Suave, Em. Oh so covert._

"Sounds like a plan. A very good _plan_." Emmett winked at me. I mentally rolled my eyes at him.

Edward said goodbye to Esme and we paid for our things. I even picked up a few bath oils. Alice was deep in conversation with the owners of Cedarbrook, but she did give me a ridiculous thumbs-up while Edward was turned away. _Do you suppose they have chickens on this farm? Because everyone around here is counting unhatched eggs._

Since it was only a few months old, I thought I'd feel less odd getting into Edward's current Volvo than if it had been the same one he'd broken up with me in. Maybe I was feeling less odd, but I couldn't imagine feeling any more uncomfortable. The designers were clearly ripping of the public; this car was almost identical inside.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he asked and hit scan on the radio.

"Honestly?" _I'm trying not blurt out questions that you don't want to answer. First up on the list of uncomfortable inquiries, 'Why did you dump me?'_

"I always want you to feel you can be honest with me."

"I don't know that you mean that. But, I was thinking that it's wasteful to buy a new car when this one is so similar to your old one." _Well, that's true. Still, why did you dump me? Why was I not good enough? What should I have done differently? _

He stiffened slightly. I don't know what he was expecting me to say, but clearly a reminder of the last time we'd been in a car together was not what he'd anticipated.

We sat in silence until I started messing with the radio. I paused on "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" and looked over at Edward. He adjusted his grip on the wheel but looked more comfortable. I sat back until the song was over and a commercial began playing.

"Roxanne" was playing on the next station. I swung my eyes over to Edward and noticed he was doing the same to me. His lips were pursed together as he stifled a laugh. I pressed the back of my fist to my mouth in an effort to hold back. It didn't work; I startled cackling.

"Come on! You promised!" He was grinning widely now and laughing as well.

"Promised?" I roared. "I promised never to tell anyone. I made no promises not to rub it in your face." I could still remember him half lip-syncing and then belting the finer points of the song into his mop handle. "You would deny me the sweet memory of the worst Sting impression ever?" I bit back a snort.

"Worst? I wasn't that bad, was I?" He was smiling but seemed genuinely interested in my answer.

"You sounded fine. Not like Sting, but fine. However, you were channeling Steven Tyler in a big way. Tie a few scarves on that mop handle and you'd be good to go."

He shook his head at himself.

For the rest of the ride, we mostly reminisced about our days at the diner. I was surprised to learn how much he despised James when I'd always thought they were friends. I guess drinking with someone and being their friend had not been the same thing for Edward. We talked about school and we both had to admit that it had been weird coming back to our little town after going away to college. We talked about our jobs in slightly more detail than we had earlier. We talked about everything except the one thing that we probably should have talked about.

Before I knew it, the Volvo was idling in my driveway. We went to the trunk and Edward handed me the bags from the farm.

"Would you like for me to run by some stuff when I'm done baking?"

He shut the trunk. "You don't have to do that. You can keep them."

"I don't need five dozen muffins, either."

He gave a lop-sided grin. "Sure. I'll probably be home all evening."

I considered inviting him in to help bake – it was the _friendly_ thing to do, after all – but I couldn't envision myself working within the dangers of a kitchen when I was still fighting back asking him what I'd done wrong two years ago. I wanted to ask, I knew we needed that conversation if we were ever going to be friends. I needed that conversation if I was ever going to be whole.

There never seemed to be the perfect "moment" to delve into it. I fantasized briefly that something melodramatic might happen, like an accident or something, to make Edward reevaluate everything and come clean with me, sweeping my hair from my face and telling me he'd been a fool and had always wanted me. Or, he could tell me that I was boring both in bed and out. Car wrecks don't seem to happen conveniently, and most likely, there was no big moment or grand gesture coming down the pipeline. Life doesn't work that way.

Standing around waiting for the perfect moment results in a lot of standing around waiting.

"Phone number!" I half-yelled. He seemed surprised at my turrets-like outburst, but recovered quickly and got out his phone.

We exchanged numbers and I thanked him for the ride. "Thanks for the phone number, too. It's a long way out to your place, so I think I'll call first. Okay?" _Oh, sure, now I come up with a reason. Where was this sensible excuse when I was asking for his number? If there was a desk in my driveway, I'd bang my head on it. _

He nodded and waved goodbye as he pulled away.

A few hours later my house fairly reeked of baked goods. I only had one muffin pan, so I made several small loaves of coffee cake in bread pans and one huge, streusel-topped one in a cake pan. I changed out of my flour-coated clothes into a pale yellow dress that Alice had left for me. It was nothing like I would normally wear, just like most everything else she left for me, but it was pretty and seemed like the sort of thing one wears when delivering treats to people. I used my key at Dad's house to put two loaves in his kitchen. I planned to drop one off at Rose's place, but she wasn't home.

I could hear music coming from inside Alice's house as I climbed to front steps. I rang the doorbell with one hand and held a basket of muffins in the other.

The door opened, but instead of Alice, Jasper was standing there. To his credit, he managed not to look as surprised to see me as I probably looked seeing him.

"Hello, Bella," he said, and opened the door wider then gestured for me to step in.

"Hello." I thought Jasper was a nice enough guy, but I still felt uneasy around him after catching a few of the looks he'd given me at dinner last week. "Is Alice around?"

His face broke into a huge smile at the mention of Alice's name. The man had an amazing smile, all teeth and dimples. "She just went upstairs to get ready to go out."

"Just now? Oh, my, that means it could be a while." His obvious affection for my friend made it easier to joke around with him.

"True. True." He looked at the basket of still-warm muffins. "Oh, Bella, for me? You shouldn't have." Apparently I wasn't the only one who felt like teasing.

"These old things? I had them lying around. I thought maybe Alice could use some fattening up. Or, would you like to have them all to yourself?" I waved the basket near his nose and think his eyes might have rolled back into his head a little bit.

One side of Jasper's mouth smiled and he held his hand out. I placed a muffin in it and set the rest down on the coffee table. "Now, I'm going to call Alice later and make sure she got some of those, you hear me?"

"Um-hum." He chewed and swallowed. I was relieved to see that the recipe I'd gotten off the internet must've been a good one. "Call her tomorrow."

I raised an eyebrow at him but didn't voice my question.

"I have a big agenda tonight. I think I may have overdone it actually. Trying to make up for all things we didn't get to do before."

I smiled genuinely and he did as well, though now there was a bit of dark purple staining the edge of his mouth. I headed back toward the door.

"Enjoy the muffins. And you might want to check yourself in the mirror when you're done." His eyes grew wide and he sheepishly wiped his mouth on the back of his hand.

"Please, if you don't mind, tell Alice 'thank you' from me for dragging me along this morning. I actually enjoyed myself."

He set the muffin down like he'd found a worm in it. "You went this morning?"

_Oh, no._ Clearly, he was upset that I went. Had he wanted to go and was told he couldn't? Did he think Alice was using me as some sort of excuse not to see him? I couldn't picture that. Surely she would've invited him along. _Shit yeah, she would've. He's her Edward._

He looked back at the muffin, apparently just putting together that that is where the blueberries had come from. He let out a long breath and took a step closer to me, but stayed more than an arm's length away.

"Look, Bella," he said, almost whispering. "I think you are probably a very nice person. I know the people who know you love you dearly." He stopped for a moment and ran his palms over the back of his thighs. "But, I really only know you in this context. And I'm asking you not to do what you're doing."

"Jasper, I don't–"

"Please, don't tell me that you don't know what I'm talking about."

Slow though I may be, I was finally realizing that he must be referring to spending time with Edward. _Did Alice say something? Well, I can't ask that. If I ask that, and she hasn't said anything, then he will know. And, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that he would not be pleased. A very short, twig of a limb. _

"I think you are referring to me spending time with Edward." Impressing me further, he didn't seem surprised that I would admit to it so easily.

"I can assure you that, until now, I have not spoken to him in the two years since he left me. I care about him. I always have. I wish him happiness in his choices. That being said–"

"Edward has a tough… well, it's difficult," he interrupted me. "And it's not my tale to tell. I'm just asking you not to make it any more difficult for him than it already is."

I really had no reply. I just nodded and felt my lips purse together. I turned to leave.

"I'll keep in mind what you said Jasper. I don't think it will matter, since we've managed to avoid each other for years. I think the past few days are an anomaly."

He gave a sad smile and said goodbye as I let myself out Alice's door.

I drove around town for over an hour, trying to collect my thoughts. The sun had set by the time I finally decided I felt up to seeing Edward again. Though Jasper's concern seemed ill-founded, since Edward was the one in a relationship and I was the one risking opening up my old wounds, it had bothered me to hear him say what he'd said. _The voice of reason? Zip it._

In the end, did it matter that my chances were as good as a three-legged race horse? No. Could I put my head down on my pillow at night knowing that I was interfering on some level though he was promised to another? I refused to let that bother me. Why should it? I'm not breaking up a home. There were no vows there. _And since this is more for my closure and I am trying not to entertain illusions of potential success, those concerns are non-issues at any rate._

Still, yes, it bothered me. _I'm bothered._

But, what troubled me more was the prospect of existing the rest of my life as I had been. I know that my friends were planning some sort of coup; I wasn't comfortable doing that. I didn't want to do that to him.

_It's about knowledge, not winning_.

If I kept saying that, I might eventually convince myself.

Did I expect my own little fairy tale? Hardly. I didn't even expect success – I was trying hard not to even think about being successful. The best case scenario was for me to learn that Edward harbored some modicum of regret, anything that helped me not feel so alone in this. _So, essentially, I'm hoping to make this guy that I profess to care about so much realize that he is hurting because he is not with me. How very awful of me. Not romantic. Guessing Lionel Richie never sang anything about situations like this._

Since I was going out into the country, I decided to give the loaves I'd brought for Rose to Esme as a thank you for everything. Not as a way of procrastinating going to Edward's house. Not at all.

Having sufficiently deluded myself into that line of reasoning, I wound my way up Dr. and Mrs. Cullen's private drive. They didn't come to the door, so I left my offering on the porch.

Edward lived nearby and I found myself turning down his road a few minutes later. The trees were thick in this area and the headlights illuminated all the trunks, making everything a wall of bright gray. He had told me that he lived on land that his dad had left undeveloped. His house was an ornate, two story log home with a window design that stretch to reveal both floors. It wasn't rustic, but there was an element of that to it.

When I pulled to a stop in front of his house, the memory that I'd made a big production of getting his phone number in order to call him before I drove out came back to me. I rested my forehead on the steering wheel between my hands.

My phone rang and I picked it up out of the cup holder. The screen read "Edward."

"Hello."

"I was just wondering if you were going to sit out there all night." I looked up and could see a gap in the sheer curtains where Edward was holding them back and looking at me.

"Yes, I think I will. You have a lovely place here. I'll just hang for now. Maybe an inside tour tomorrow?"

"Bella. It's getting cold. Get in here. I needs muffins."

"You 'needs' muffins? Aw, that's too bad, because I didn't make you any muffins."

I think I heard him actually gasp. "Really?" He sounded so small.

"Yep. I did, however, make coffee cake." With that, I snapped my phone shut.

I got out of the car and Edward opened his huge wooden front door. He was standing there, leaning on the frame, making a plain, navy t-shirt and button fly jeans look better than they had any right to.

"Here you go sir." I plunked the huge metal pan encased loaf into his outstretched hands.

"Wow. That's big," he said. I deftly avoided the obvious "That's what she said" joke.

"Well, it was nice to see you today, Edward."

"You, too." The warm glow from his living room lights bathed the entry way. While it shadowed Edward somewhat, I felt a bit blinded and my pupils were probably dilating. He was looking at me in the strangest way and I wondered if my eyes were probably making me look as insane as I felt at that moment.

"I guess… I guess I should be going then," I said, hoping to prompt some sort of response, a goodbye or thanks.

And cue the awkwardness.

We were silent for a few moments. Edward was just looking at me as I stood there in my yellow dress with the lights from his house making me wish for a pair of sunglasses. I wasn't sure if he would ask me in and I wasn't sure if I wanted him to. You know those funny moments in movies where things get all uncomfortable and the editors sneak in the sound of crickets in the background? Yeah, those aren't funny when they really happen. And there really were crickets chirping. Crickets, rubbing their mocking little violin legs together.

I turned to leave and felt a lump in my throat. He hadn't been mean. Of course not. Edward was pleasant. Disgustingly pleasant. But, this was it. It was clear that I could not go on running into him and he was not exactly inviting me into his life. He was content to call it good at being friends, and pseudo friends at that. Friends in the let's-try-not-to-make-our-mutual-real-friends-uncomfortable-if-we-happen-to-be-in-the-same-place-at-the-same-time kind of friends.

There was not a perfect moment, but this certainly looked like a last moment. I doubted I'd get another private moment with Edward again after this. If I was ever going to ask him anything, it was now or never. If I didn't ask, I'd regret it.

I knew what regret felt like; I snuggled up in it every day like a ratty old bedspread. Well, an old bedspread stuffed into a nice duvet cover – but it was still in there, despite what I tried to project to the world.

I knew regret, and I was sick of it.

I breathed deeply in an effort to calm myself. "Edward?"

He seemed to break out of whatever he was thinking and pulled away from the door frame. He didn't say anything, but he inclined his head as if to ask me to continue.

"Edward, I… well, I just want to ask you something." I saw his knuckles grow white on the edges of the pan, but I continued. "I want to ask you something, but first I'd like to say that it was very nice to spend time with you recently."

"Me, too. I mean, I enjoyed seeing you, too. I meant it when I said I missed you."

I smiled and felt a little of my bravado slipping away as his words calmed me. But, I knew I had to do this now, regardless of how content he could make me feel.

"But, as nice as this was, I won't fool myself into think that you will want me in your life in any tangible way. So, if you could honor our friendship by answering a question I barely have the nerve to ask, I would appreciate it."

"You want to come in and sit down?"

_Oh, sure, now you ask._ "No, but thank you all the same." I swallowed hard and put my hand on his arm. I can't really explain why I did that, except that I felt like this might be the last time I was ever going to be this close to him and I wanted to remember how he felt. His skin was warm and the light hair along his forearms played under my palm.

"I would really appreciate knowing what I did to drive you away. If you could articulate that in some way, it would mean a great deal to me."

He said nothing right away and I began to panic. All I could hear were the damned insects.

"Please, Edward. I would really like to know. I am a complete failure in all my relationships and while I know why all the other ones fail, I need to know why I failed with you, too."

"Bella, I really think you should come in. This is a big discussion."

_Big discussion? Holy shit! We need a "big discussion" to cover all my flaws? _Involuntarily, I began backing away.

He must have realized how I took his comment, because he set the pan down on the porch swing and stepped closer to me again.

"Hold up, that didn't come out right. I mean, it's important. I think you deserve to know what happened. And I…wait. What do you mean you 'know why all the other ones fail' but not with me? What do you mean by that?"

"I asked you first." I crossed my arms and I could not care that I was acting a bit juvenile.

"Fine," he said, and raked his fingers through his already disheveled hair.

"Bella, I should apologize to you," he said, ignoring my reqest for an answer. I felt myself shrink back a little at his change in tone. He seemed tense. I started to back away again, but he reached out and took my hand in his. "I never should've done what I did with you, um… that night. I want to let you know that I regret it."

_And there you have it, folks. In confirmation of my insecurities, a man has just admitted to regretting having sex with me_. _I have made a man regret sex. Horniest of all creatures, the human male, and I bored the horny right outta him. Great. That should add another decade or so to the therapy._

I felt all the shame that I'd been suppressing well up in my eyes. I couldn't look at him. I'd never let him see me cry and I wasn't going to start now. I ripped my hand from his a little too roughly and spun to walk back down to my truck. _Stellar plan. Kudos to you, Alice and Rose. Instead of "reminding him" he should be with me, he just validated my parking ticket on the basement level of Low Self Esteem Garage. _

And, it went beyond that. I was not an exciting person. I read books. I watched too much TV. I work at a job that no one knows what to call it, just like Chandler on "Friends." In truth, I'd always thought I'd make a great girlfriend; I listen, I try not to judge, I can be funny. But, I'm just not interesting or beautiful enough for him.

I could hear him say my name behind me, but it didn't sound like he was following me; he wasn't coming after me. A part of me just wanted to call Alice and scream at her. The rest of me wanted to call Alice and cry. But, I couldn't say that I had regretted asking. I'd needed to know how things truly were between Edward and I; I'd needed a whopping dose of reality.

I was nearly to the driver's door when Edward caught my arm. I'd been so busy thinking, I wasn't sure when he'd decided to catch up.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. It's just, seeing you… lately. I wasn't expecting to, and I…damn. I don't know what I'm trying to say here." He let go of my arm and raked his fingers through his hair again.

I shook my head, futilely willing the tears to fly away from my face before he saw them. "Don't worry, Edward. You don't have to explain. I got the drift. Really." A short, dry laugh escaped me. "I think I'd feel better about myself not hearing any detailed explanation of how awful I was."

That seemed to phase him. His hand stilled and dropped to his side. "Awful? What are you…what you are talking about?"

_Oh, god. Can this get any worse? Just flay me open like a trout right now. Don't make me get specific._

"Bella?"

"Edward?" I tried to play it off.

He sighed. "I'm confused. I mean, I'm trying to apologize for something that's been bugging me for two years and you seem to be talking about something else I don't even remember. How many times have I wronged you, Bella?" He looked genuinely pained.

And that hurt me, to see him hurting. I was hurting him.

"No, not you. Me. I…um, it was me. I did it."

"Bella, you never did anything wrong." He shook his head and swept my hair back behind my shoulder. I felt a shiver run down my side.

"I never did anything, you mean."

...

Please review. I deserve some love for NOT referencing a Fats Domino song at any point in this chapter. ;)

In case you are as frustrated as Bella as this point & want to know why Edward left her – the answer comes next chapter. I'm torn between being sweet & romantic or having Bella get super pissed at some point like I always thought she should have when Edward left her in New Moon.

Cedarbrook Lavendar and Herb Farm is a real place located in Sequim, WA. They have a website if you are interested in pictures. I did add in some elements from a place I read about in Port Angeles.


	8. Chapter 8 Nettles not Thorns

**A/N: **Here it is. The big reveal. Well, there are others, but this is the one everyone is most interested in right now.

I cannot convey how nervous I am about this chapter. I know some readers have avoided spoiling themselves with the EPOV while others know already but deserve to be entertained by the reveal anyway. I got EXACTLY even responses to whether the conversation should be romantic or angry with good points made by both sides. I really hope I've done something here that honors what everyone is hoping for and keeps you interested.

I'm not big on song lyrics or playlists - but I did have to pull out the big guns and listen to some specific tunes while writing this. "Wasted Time" by the Eagles (oldie but goodie) influenced the first half of the chapter, in case you're interested.

As always - or, more than ever - please review.

Thanks to those of you who said you are enjoying the mix of humor & angst. Fair warning: only random giggles in this one. They'll come back.

I own nothing Twilight-related.

……….

**Chapter 8 – Nettles not Thorns**

From the previous chapter:

_Edward sighed. "I'm confused. I mean, I'm trying to apologize for something that's been bugging me for two years and you seem to be talking about something else I don't even remember. How many times have I wronged you, Bella?" He looked genuinely pained._

_And that hurt me, to see him hurting. I was hurting him._

_"No, not you. Me. I…um, it was me. I did it."_

_"Bella, you never did anything wrong." He shook his head and swept my hair back behind my shoulder. I felt a shiver run down my side._

_"I never did anything, you mean." _

"What? No." He threw his head back and pointed his gaze to the stars. "You didn't do anything wrong. I did. I always do." He blew out a lung full of air and continued to speak, sounding hoarse, as though he hadn't begun breathing again. "It's my fault. Me, not you."

I felt my head tilt to the side as I studied him. There was a halo of light around him from the moisture in my eyes, as if I'd just come up from under the water in a swimming pool at night. "You told me, when you left me, that you'd always thought we'd get along great. So, naturally, it's hard for me to accept that as the answer." I watched his throat, his exposed Adam's apple moving slightly as he began to breathe. I'd wanted to tell him how I'd felt about him for so long, but, there was no point in saying what had to be so obvious; all it did was open me up to more rejection. "I'd always thought something like that, too."

His head had dropped gradually forward as I spoke until he was looking directly into my eyes. If he blinked, I didn't see it.

I swallowed to clear my throat before I spoke again. "I've always, um… felt the way that I did, and you're trying to get me to accept that you could have been hiding some fault, a flaw so tragic that I would be better off without you? Sorry, Edward. Try again." I placed my hands on my hips to steady myself. "I think you can do better than that."

"My flaws aren't hidden," he said.

"But your answers are."

"Let's go inside and talk. I'm not trying to hide anything from you."

"Really? Because it sure seems like you are."

"You didn't used to be this pushy." A grin of sorts played at corners of his mouth. I felt the effect clear to my abdomen. _I won't let you distract me. I won't let myself get distracted._

"I'm a lot of things I didn't used to be. You know, life changes people. Subject, please." I noticed that my arms crossed in front of me.

His mouth opened infinitesimally and his jaw moved to the side as he nodded, contemplating something. He finally blinked right before he spoke.

"Let's go inside."

"Not until you answer me."

"I did. You said yourself it was hard to accept it. If you want more detail, fine. I still say we should go inside."

As if the natural world was conspiring along with him, the din of woodland insects swelled and a huge beetle bounced off my arm. I shook reflexively and started toward his open doorway.

We walked silently to his "J" shaped sectional. It was sand colored leather, like a worn bomber jacket and so smooth it made no complaints when we sat. There was no fire in the fireplace but the house was lit in a golden glow.

"Bella, when I said I regretted that night, I mean I regretted it because of what happened later. I really can't regret it fully, I'm too selfish," he said, and closed his hand over the back of mine. Then he seemed to catch himself and looked to see if I was okay with the contact. I actually wasn't sure if I was, but I made no protest. "It meant more to… it was special."

That seemed like progress. I put my other hand over the top of his, holding his warmth between my own.

"Thank you. That was nice to hear." _I'm not really buying it, but at least it's nice to hear. It's nice to have him go to the effort of finding decent, comforting words. Still, I'm not going to get another moment after this and this is not a real answer. It's an appeasement. _It would have been so easy for me to settle for what he'd said. It was in my nature.

A tinny rendition of Bach's Cello Suite No. 1 Prelude rang out from Edward's pocket. He made no move to answer it. I looked in the direction from where it sounded like the phone was ringing and then up at his face. _Answer it. Hate to keep _her _waiting._

"It's Esme. She'll call back," he said.

"You're self-editing. I want to know how you felt about me," I said with as much conviction as I could muster. _Woo-hoo! Go me! I am so not letting up now._

"Felt about you?" He swallowed audibly. "Don't you think I've put myself out there enough?" He spoke so softly it was hard to hear him over the muffled phone.

I forced myself to say nothing. I just looked at him and the phone silenced as punctuation.

"I felt that same way I always have." His eyes were shut, hard, as if he had a headache.

_What is that supposed to mean? The same way as what? Like a close friend? A love interest? A good buddy? _The possibility that he'd simply been hoping for friends with benefits occurred to me. _Slow on the uptake there, now aren't I? That would've made more sense. _

"I've answered you. And, yes, there was more to it, but I'm sure you've reasoned that part out on your own already. So, I'm feeling rather exposed here. I'd like for you to take a turn. " His voice was soft and he squeezed my hand, almost like he thought I might bolt. _Smart man. _I ran what he said around in my head several times trying to make sense of it. It seemed like he was saying he cared about me, maybe even cared a great deal about me. But, that didn't make sense considering how things turned out._ And I for damn sure haven't "reasoned that part" out on my own, whatever the fuck that means. He is holding out on me. _

_Just like I'm holding out on him._

_"_Now, please Bella, answer me. What did you mean about knowing why you 'failed' with others but not with me. Why is that?" Edward spoke deliberately, enunciating every sound. His eyes were now open but unfocused. I was only vaguely aware that the phone had stopped ringing. He inched, nearly imperceptibly closer. His thigh aligned with mine, his one hand in mine, the other running along the length of my arm. "Is there any chance that means what I think it means?" One corner of his twitched, almost shyly, almost nervously.

_Can I do this? Can I be completely honest with him? God, what do I expect will happen if tell him? What will happen if I don't? Is he going to be able to keep from laughing? Will he only pity me for being so stupid for so long? Do I care? I mean, what more do I have to lose? I've already lost him… any chance with him. _

I knew I should be looking up at him when I made my confession, but I really wanted to look at where I was touching his hand, my fingers tracing along the ridges, not unlike how he'd touched me in the garden last week. The pads of my fingers ran up over each knuckle where his musician's fingers met his palm, as if I where enacting a number of days in the month memory device.

I needed to look up, I was strong enough. I'd pushed myself this far and - though I knew that the damned tears had built up behind my lashes, not from sadness, but from the stress of it all – I was going to do what was right by me and tell him. _Does it matter that he hasn't told me what I needed to hear? Yes, yes it does. I'll make him tell me. But I can't really expect him to be completely, and possibly painfully, honest with me if I'm not willing to be honest with him._

I lifted my head. I willed myself not to blink, to leave the tears in my eye and let them dry up and fade away.

"No one else was you."

I felt a traitorous drop fall from my open eye as I spoke and it was then that I comprehended that I had passed over a threshold; I might as well let it all out. Edward was silently looking at me, his hand curled deeper within mine, his eyes following the tear's path down my face. "No one else was you, so I failed, those relationships failed, because no one ever measured up to you.

"I've run my life like a to-do list. I'm not fully-engaged in anything. Get a degree. Check. Have a boyfriend. Check. Have sex. Check. Get married. Check. I've done everything on autopilot because I didn't really care." I swallowed hard. "Because what I wanted was out of reach."

I'd never allowed myself to fully picture what Edward's reaction might be to my declaration, but even without imagining anything specific before, I was still surprised to see that his face looked blank. _Have I not said anything worth reacting to? I'm pouring my heart out here and it's not even eliciting a reaction. I need a response! How can I say this more clearly?_

"Edward, you are the only thing I've truly cared about."

_Well, damn, that was to the point. _

My vision was blurry, but my hearing worked just fine. Edward took in a quick but faltering breath.

He raised his free hand and moved it behind my head. He leaned forward as he moved and brought my cheek down to his chest, encircling me with his arm and running his hand across my head, through my hair. I could hear his thrumming heartbeat echo throughout my head.

"I wanted to be with you." His soft voice rumbled in his chest.

"You _were_." I sobbed and hated myself a little more. _God, does that even make sense? He _was_ with me and he walked away. He had just short of forever to be with me and chose not to._

"Bella," he breathed. "You are the entirety of everything I've ever wanted."

I sobbed harder into his chest, my shoulders racked in conflict with my labored breaths. As I shook, I felt odd and unrhythmic resistance meet my body's quakes; Edward's breaths were shuddering.

I felt him kiss my head before he spoke again. "I'm so full of wanting you, there's no room for anything else."

A different, traditional phone began to ring from elsewhere in the house.

_And my snark machine is broken. I can't mock this moment. This is what I've longed to hear; he does feel the way I do._ But, I was not as content as I thought I would be. If anything, I was more confused than ever.

The answering machine let out a long shrill beep only to be replaced by different decibel female shouts. If it was Esme, she sounded panic stricken. I couldn't imagine anything eliciting this kind of response from someone as elegant and poised as she seemed to be. I broke from Edward's embrace as he sprinted to the phone. The machine was still recording and their voices were echoed and amplified.

"Esme! What's wrong?"

"Oh, god! They're everywhere! I'm…I'm trapped! How can I make them leave?" Edward continued to talk to her, calm her. I stood up, alarm stiff in my limbs. I wiped my face with my forearm.

"Make them leave… I'm alone!" Her voice boomed from the speakers.

"Esme, _where are you?_" Edward was all business. He slid on a pair of shoes as he clutched the phone.

"Home. I'm home, They are all over the porch!"

Edward told Esme to hang up and he called her back on his cell. Seconds later, he spoke with her again as he snatched up his keys and bolted out the door. I followed instinctively, though I had no idea how much help I would be. _There aren't a lot of battle-ready action figures that come equipped with yellow sundress and oatmeal brain. _

Esme must have said something interesting as Edward's hurried steps halted and his eyes lit up. If I had to label it, I'd have said a look of bemused relief overtook him.

"Raccoons?" He laughed and threw a glance in my direction. "Hell, Esme. I thought it was a home invasion."

Edward was, quite understandably, very relieved. Me? Not so much. I was pretty sure it was going to be obvious that Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom had broken out at chez Cullen as a direct result of an alien element introduced into their environment: loosely plastic-wrapped coffee cake. _Gah. This must be what they mean when they say someone is only "book-smart." _

Even though the emergency was nowhere near as grave as we'd thought moments prior, Edward and I still ran to his car. Once the car was in gear, he grabbed my hand when we were inside and never let go. Esme was on speaker phone as he sped there, and he kept trying to calm her while still managing to smile sadly at me every few moments.

When we reached the house, the porch was swarming with five huge raccoons. And they had Gone. To. Town. Crumbs were everywhere and two of the fattest ones sat back on their haunches, munching away at hunks of cake. The other three ambled around and picked at the scraps. Edward drove the Volvo right up next to the porch and honked repeatedly. Most of the raccoons scrambled away, but the largest one still sat back and chomped away. He might have even looked bored. _Listen up, you furry, little masked bastard. Your trip to the smorgasbord here interrupted the biggest conversation of my life – you better have the fucking decency to be enthused about it._

After several more honks, Edward swung his door open and started toward the animal. But, before he'd rounded the front of the car, Esme emerged from the front door wielding a long umbrella and swinging it within inches of the raccoon. Esme looked terrifying, maybe even enraged; the raccoon didn't seem to care, but he ambled away, regardless.

"Thank you , Edward," she said, her chest still rising and falling rapidly.

"No problem. Just glad it was nothing serious," he said.

Esme banged the end of the umbrella on the wooden floor. "Not serious?! Honestly, I don't know how you men lived out here in, in… the boonies for so long." Her nostrils flared and I lost any desire I had to exit the car. "I cannot believe I've let Carlisle convince me to stay here and leave my house sit."

Edward shrugged and came to open my door. _So much for avoidance._

"Oh, hello Bella, dear." I saw Esme's eyes widened while Edward closed the car door after I got out.

"Hello Esme. I'm very glad that you're okay." I could tell she was trying to piece together an explanation for why I was with her engaged son-in-law at this hour. Edward turned around and I saw him hesitate beside me when he must've recognized the confusion that had now turned to suspicion on Esme's face. I knew I should explain why we were together and save Edward any complications. My explanation would need to involve the information that I had inadvertently nearly caused her a varmint-induced coronary today; I was a wee bit reticent.

I felt Edward start to grasp my arm protectively and I had to admit that was probably about the worst thing he could do in front of her right now.

_Do the right thing woman. _

_Stupid conscience. _I moved to the side, away from him.

"Esme, I hate to admit this, but I was out tonight delivering things I'd made out of the blueberries; I left yours on the porch. You can see how that turned out." _Okay, Jiminy, you better be happy. I look like either a wannabe homewrecker or an idiot. Either way, I look pretty bad. Hell, either way I am pretty bad. _

Edward and Esme looked at one another and began laughing. Through her fit, Esme managed to ask me if I had left something on the porch for her. The question was probably rhetorical, but I nodded anyway. Then, I felt myself smile as though I found some humor in the situation, too.

The now customary awkward silence took over when Edward drove us back to his house.

How could we pick up where we left off? Did Edward even realize I still needed an answer? I needed more than one now. If he had truly wanted me like he said, why would he not stay with me? Had he wanted me until he'd gotten to know me better? Until he'd spent time with me? On some level, I acknowledged that it didn't matter how sincere he'd seemed, maybe he hadn't really meant what he'd said earlier.

Because nothing made sense.

His car felt claustrophobic; I jumped out before it even came to a full stop in his drive. The emotions of the evening coursed through me and I rang my hands and paced about his yard in effort to expel them.

"Bella, calm down." He was in front of me and tried to take me into his arms.

"No, Edward. Don't distract me."

"Distract you? I'm - "

"You are…or…you do. I can't understand what you've told me. It doesn't make any sense."

He sighed heavily and put his fingers in his pockets. "How can I make myself clear enough for you?"

_Oh, don't act put upon, mister. _"If you wanted me so much, why did you dump me and get engaged immediately? What did I do in a single night that convinced you that you couldn't get rid of me fast enough?"

He raked a hand through his hair and let loose another sigh. "I told you. You know, I had to. It wasn't about you."

That got me, irked me. I'd stuck myself out there, used all the strength I thought I had and then mortgaged the rest of me to muster enough courage to be around him again, to lay myself bare and ask for the truth. I'd done all that and he wasn't willing to be upfront with me. I wouldn't be surprised if I was shaking.

"Are you seriously trying to blow me off with this 'it's not you, it's me' line of crap? Do you think that's what I deserve? I mean, I've bared my soul to you, and you won't answer me." _Oh my god - where's the filter? Where did I put my filter?_

"No, I-"

"No, you what? No, you don't want to trouble yourself with contemplating the matter long enough to give me this little bit of closure? No, you can't be troubled to find the right words to explain the astounding disappointment that I am?" _Filter?! Filter!!_

"Bella, I'm ser-"

"What is it? Too thin? Too fat? Too _flat_? Not smart enough? Too smart? Too poor? Oh wait, yes! As I recall you told me that your family "set you up" and I bet bringing home Bella would be a crushing disappointment to the good Doctor's family. I mean, they've been expecting you and her to 'work out' all your 'unfinished business' for so long."

Edward, suddenly, looked very stern. I'd struck a nerve.

Though he didn't move from his spot, his posture changed. He fixed his eyes on something in the treeline. Finally, he spoke in a low, clear tone. "Didn't you put it together? Did you really think I did _that _big a turnaround? I mean, it was just a few months later. It's simple math."

I threw my hands up and began pacing again. The air had chilled. I actually felt like crossing my arms in front of myself, but that would seem as though I was protecting myself here and I didn't want to appear any weaker in front of him than I already did.

With my arms still up in the most incensed set of jazz hands ever, I lit into him again. "Abso-fucking-lutely no idea what you are talking about _again,_ Cullen. You have trouble staying focused on-topic. You might wanna pick up something at work for that little problem."

Where, before, Edward had appeared intermittently confused, amused, and even angry at my outburst, he now seemed stunned. He jaw was slack and he slumped against the fender.

"Oh my god, Bella. You don't know, do you? You've spent all this time thinking these things." He shook his head again and again. He looked like he might be reaching for me again, but he dropped his at a second later. "I couldn't say everything that night, it was so new, I hadn't processed it. I mean, it happens. But I can't explain why it was so hard to talk about that soon, but the truth is it felt so, so… surreal-"

"Truth? " I interrupted him again. "Now you didn't think I could handle the truth? Well, Mr. Nicholson, you've seriously underestimated my ability to cope. My whole life is a distraction-intense coping mechanism. I just want to know! I spend every goddamn day wondering if I did something wrong, if I was a giant fool for ever leaving your side that morning, if I ever had it in me to be good enough for you in the first place. I just-"

"Bella!" He put his hands on my shoulders, apparently hoping if he stilled my body he might quiet me entirely.

"Don't try to calm me down." My arms came up and my forearms slammed down on his, dislodging them from my shoulders. "You don't respect me but you should at least respect the power you have over me."

I suppressed a laugh that I felt would surely come out maniacal. I couldn't believe I was yelling at him; I was mad at myself more than anything. I'd been so disgusted with myself for so long I couldn't keep the venom out of my voice.

Edward looked broken.

And, in that moment, of only one thing I was absolutely certain: I was staring at a man who had only ever loved one woman in his life.

"Come on, Edward. Just strap on a pair and tell what exactly it is about me that's so damned unlovable? Does it go beyond what a cold fish I am? I'd always thought we had a connection, but it seems I bored the ever-living shit outta you, huh? I thought it was romantic that we talked on the phone until we fell asleep, but I guess you simply fell asleep."

He might as well not have been there at that moment. I ranted on as if I looked at my own reflection in the mirror. All this was my doing. I'd been dumb enough to think that there was something between us. I'd wasted my life dreaming about him, envisioning us together. The last two years had been a non-stop slalom of regret and disappointment. I was angry. Angry with myself; I'd made the decision to waste my life, not forced myself to be realistic.

Edward opened his mouth to speak but I drowned him out. His brow was furrowed and he was the one with his arms crossed over his chest.

"I bet you had a great laugh about how pathetic I was for acting on my belief that, after all this time, I had a chance with you.

"Or did I simply seem like a raging slut just falling into bed with you at the first opportunity? Ha! Do you have any idea how fucking _brave _I thought I was being that night? I realize that me being flat my back is probably not the level of participation you're accustomed to in partners, so maybe you could've told me what you needed. You know, train me to be a better lay."

"Bella!" It was as if lightning had struck him, he shot straight up from the car. "Don't ever say that shit about yourself – I'd… I'd probably kill anyone else who said that about you."

"Oh, please. Don't go all Victorian on me now." The entire time I was talking, I could hear Edward trying to say my name, trying to interrupt me. I wasn't going to let him derail me, even though I knew this was a trainwreck. "What was it? What would've been a skill set I needed to possess to keep you from shoving me away at first light? Swallow? Anal? Hang by my tits from a chandelier? I might need this knowledge if I ever decide to let anyone else go balls deep-"

"Bella. Stop it." His jaw was clenched and I knew I was pushing him as hard as I had been pushing myself all night. He continued to speak through his teeth. "You have to know it's not like that."

My stifled laugh came out like a crazed, snort. I noticed that my cheeks were damp and cold. "Just say what I did to convince you after a single night that had you running back to her. Just say it. Say-"

"She was pregnant! I've been trying to tell you that, godammit…" His hands flew up behind his head and he spun around as he pulled the hairs at the base his neck as though he hoped to rip them free. Just when it seemed he should have fistfuls of uprooted hair, it looked like the bones of his arms dissolved, his whole torso leaning over and away from me. "God damn me. I got her fucking pregnant."

Oh.

Well, that changes things. A lot.

……….

Edward was holding my arms again. I could see him, but I couldn't feel him. I couldn't feel anything.

_Numb._

He was talking. I could hear his voice but the sound wasn't converting into words. I strained, willing myself to control my body, to hear what he was saying, to see if he could say anything that would make what I'd been doing here even a little bit less reprehensible.

"Bella, I can't lose you again."

A gray wave washed over me, and through the fog, I heard my own voice.

"Oh, Edward. You can't lose what you chose never to have."

……….

I don't know what he was saying to me as I pulled away from his house.

Everything was black and blank.

I should not have been driving.

I should not have left my house.

I should not have… done most of the things I'd been doing lately.

The red eyes of deer along to highway flickered, but I didn't slow for them.

When I reached my destination, the car idled until it sputtered and ran out of gas. When the engine stopped, I noticed that my silenced phone was vibrating.

6_3 Missed Calls_

The first 18 were from Edward. The rest were a combination of Rose and Alice, with a couple more from Edward and then Emmett thrown in the mix. _Wow, guys. Looks like everybody wants to talk to me tonight._

_Where was all this desire to communicate before now? Don't you think someone might have wanted to mention that the man I was obsessed with was somebody's daddy? _The possibility that my friends thought I knew appeared in my mind like a ghost. I drove the unwelcome image from my mind; I wasn't ready to be gracious, with anyone, not with them, not with myself.

_How does their situation work? Why is he here alone? _I tried to quit asking myself questions; nothing about Edward was, or ever really had been it seemed, my concern. _Shit, no wonder that Jasper guy hates me. I hate me. What if I'd been successful? I've been trying to break up a family._

I opened the phone to contact AAA but a call came through at the same time.

" Bella! Holy fuck – are you o-" _Click. _I didn't check to see which female it was. I shut the phone off, tossed it into the seat, and decided to call for gas later.

I'd only been here once before, to the local party spot. It was hard to miss it since the turn was forever marked with a decrepit sign advertizing saw blade repair. I hit the lights to preserve the battery and everything inside the car and out became equally, terrifically dark.

……….

As always – more than ever – please review.


	9. Chapter 9 Vitreous Confessions

**A/N** – Poor Dishwaterward/Rxward/Awkward (as he's been called of late) needs a PR guy. Hopefully everyone thinks he begins to redeem himself here.

I know there are some concerns about why Bella's friends never explicitly told her about Edward's situation – that will get covered, but not in this chapter.

Please review – Let Edward know how he's doing.

…………….

**Chapter 9 – Vitreous Confessions**

It was dark. _Not a fan of the dark._

I'd been parked out in the woods for a while; it had grown cold, too cold for a sundress to be sure. There was probably a blanket in the emergency supply kit Dad had made me promise to keep behind the seat. I could turn around and get the blanket out, but it seemed like too much effort. My limbs felt like dead weights, my arms like sleeves of flour.

Having grown accustomed to the darkness, I could make out some details within the clearing. Tall conifers surrounded the area and the moonlight poured between the top branches like a sieve. A few large, downed trees were scattered about the uneven circular area. I tried to picture it as I had seen it years before, full of cars and kegs and bonfire; it didn't seem the same at all.

A rustling in the distance broke my deadened-mind stupor; I'd been glad for the numbness, the detachment.

When I thought, I hurt.

When I thought, I remembered.

"_Edward, you are the only thing I've truly cared about… No one else was you."_

I hit my head on the steering wheel twice. I couldn't believe I'd said the things I'd said.

I couldn't believe I'd yelled the things I'd yelled.

_Ack _– Did I really say something about chandeliers?

Well, it didn't really matter what I'd said or yelled. I was never going to be around him again. Hell, Dad was practically remarried, I could move away. Hadn't I even told Dr. Cullen that nothing was keeping me? When I'd said that, I'd known inside that it wasn't completely true, that some unnamed, pitiable part of me was still living here because Edward was still here. As if proximity mattered.

Now, I had no explanation for why he was still here – alone – and I really, really needed to quit behaving like it was any concern of mine.

_Jasper, all blond hair and blueberry stains, is standing on the outskirts of my dance space. "Edward has a tough… well, it's difficult." He has interrupted me. "And it's not my tale to tell. I'm just asking you not to make it any more difficult for him than it already is."_

Difficult. For Edward.

Sure.

A large animal moved between the trees several yards to the left, its indistinct profile barely differentiated from the trunks. I'd been sitting in the motionless vehicle long enough that nature had determined I posed no threat.

_Edward is on his sofa next me, his hand between my two. All I can see are leonine features and messy mane. He's whispering._

_I mean, I regretted it because of what happened later._

_I wanted to be with you._

There was a part of me that was aware that I was being reckless, but listening to that part also felt like too much effort. Driving out into the woods, alone, at night, speeding past deer along the roadside, and running out of gas – I was acting as though I didn't care about my own life. _Acting?_

_Oh, well now, this is just too morose. Even for me. _

I shook my head at myself and decided to get the blanket and settle in.

Shivering, I cast a speculative glance at my phone on the seat beside me. I half-expected the thing to switch itself on and force me to face the consequences. I left it sitting on the seat and turned and contorted in effort to reach the blanket. It was on the bottom of the kit, so I hefted the entire bag over the seat. If I needed a map for driving around in my empty gas tank truck or was overcome with a sudden hankering for a granola bar pushing its shelf life, I'd be all set.

_The room is golden light. He's looking at our hands._

_Don't you think I've put myself out there enough?_

_Is there any chance that means what I think it means?_

No, no, no, Mr. Cullen. I was the one who had questions. He wasn't supposed to ask me anything. I had needed to know, not him. He didn't have any reason, save pure curiosity, to ask me questions.

I wrapped the scratchy, dime-store blanket around me and settled back against the seat. It smelled musty.

_God damn me. _

_How many times have I wronged you, Bella?_

Well, I didn't know. I wasn't sure if he had ever hurt me or I'd hurt myself. I was the one who carried around a caveman worthy torch for him. If I planned on counting how many times I'd hurt, I was way shy on fingers. I pulled the blanket up to my chin and my eyes drifted shut.

He hadn't really felt the way I did.

_I wanted to be with you._

He hadn't really felt the way I did, had he?

_You are the entirety of all I've ever wanted._

Had he?

_You are the entirety of all I've ever wanted._

_Bella, I can't lose you…_

_again._

My eyes opened to the sound of my own vibrating, guttural scream as it drowned out a second, third, and fourth rap on my windshield. I screamed, and screamed - all of my energy had gone to my vocal cords, my vision failed and all that could be seen was white panic.

The rapping stopped as soon as it started only to be instantly replaced by scrambling at the door handle. The door opened quickly and a rough hand yanked me up from where I had flung myself across the seat. I was pulled to a sitting position by someone with blonde hair.

"Bella, calm down."

My body wasn't complying and the blonde, definitely male, definitely stronger than me, shook my shoulders.

"Bella, it's just me."

I surveyed the man. I did know him, but he was different looking than when I'd last seen him; his unkempt blonde hair was now shiny and short.

"James?"

He was still standing in the by the open door. He might have looked relieved at my recognition.

"I thought you might need help. Why are you out here?"

"I don't really know."

He shrugged, as if to say he, too, had sometimes found himself in places without explanation.

"Why are you here?" I asked and looked around but couldn't see a vehicle. "How are you here?"

"I parked up the road and walked in. Just seeing if anything was happening out here tonight. Was gonna leave, but I saw your truck."

The door was still open and I could tell that the temperature was just the same outside as in. I didn't really feel like sitting in an enclosed space with my former boss, so I scooted out of the truck. I walked over to one of the moss-coated, downed trees and sat. Seconds later I could feel the dampness seep through the blanket clear to my skin. James took off his roughed leather jacket and he sat on it. We both looked out at the emptiness in front of us.

"So, Girly-girl, what's your story?"

I shook my head. "My story? Why do I need a story?"

"You're out here. Alone. You." He emphasized the last part as if the fact that it was me made it incredible.

"Ran out of gas. And, I've just been realizing how stupid I am…and how long I've been that way."

"That's kinda hard to believe." He leaned over with his elbows on his knees.

"I've been dumb about the same thing since the day you met me."

"Oh, this is about Cullen."

I couldn't even pretend to look surprised that he had no trouble deciphering the issue. I nodded.

"You two always were pretty pathetic."

"Gee, thanks, James. Nice of you to drop by and try to cheer me up."

"Cheer you up? Why the hell would I do that? Him with his honor-badge way of life and you never forming a complete sentence around him. Crackerheads."

"I was intimidated."

"Intimidated? Ha!"

"James, I don't think you can understand."

"Me? Not understand what it's like to want somebody forever and feel like you have no chance with them? Yeah, sure, you're right, I have no idea what that feels like. How's your friend, Alice, by the way?"

His sarcasm was unmistakable. _He gets it. _And, suddenly, I'm telling him everything. Well, I tell the forest everything, but James is right there listening. I tell him about the Edward Plan, and the Birthday Kiss, and the blueberries. I tell him about the garden, and the things Edward and I said on the sofa, and a PG version of what I yelled at him earlier, and finally, the revelation about the baby; James seems unphased by that bit and I take it to mean that even he'd already known.

He was most impressed when I got to the night I spent with Edward.

"So, let me get this straight." I saw that he was trying not to laugh, but it didn't make me mad. I was beyond feeling at the moment. "You finally get the nerve to make a move, he finally digs his head out of his ass long enough to take you up on it, and then he dumps you right away to go back to the chick he didn't care about because she was knocked up."

"I'm sure he cares about her. Apparently, he's been with her off and on for years."

"Mr. Boy Scout. Didn't know he had it in him." James was ignoring me. He chucked a stick into the trees.

I shifted on the log and pulled the blanket closer. I kept expecting alarm bells to be going off since I was sitting with James of all people, but nothing was ringing yet.

The sky was starless and I looked up wishing I could float away. The corners of my eyes were still raw from my earlier tears.

James glanced up at the sky but didn't seem to find it as interesting. He gave a short laugh.

"You look damned miserable," he said.

I threw my head back farther and said something that sounded like agreement.

"Been there. Been so bad I'd do anything make it go away, anything for a break," he said.

"Yeah."

"Bet you'd like something to take the edge off, huh?"

I could feel him looking at me; I was still staring at the barren sky. _Nothing to wish upon. _

"Yeah."

"Then don't."

_What? _I could see then that he was gauging me, evaluating me.

"I've seen that look before. That's defeat." He picked up a rock and chucked it; I think he was hunting for reasons not to look at me by that time. "When you really feel like you need get away from yourself, from everything, that's the worst time to do it. You become reliant."

_Why is he saying this? Do I appear that out of control? Am I that desperate? _Then, I noticed that I felt a twinge of disappointment and I acknowledged that I probably would've done about anything to get away from myself. I was weary.

"I'm a pro at seeing that in people. That's when they're easy prey."

I still sat feeling wrecked and wilted. James cracked his knuckles and looked down at the forest floor.

"Let me tell you something about him… and it ain't gossip, 'cause it's my business, too.

"Cullen is the reason I'm alive right now." He paused and I took a moment to let that craziness sink in. "Most days, I don't know whether to thank or blame him. Usually, it leans toward blame."

He looked truly pained and I started to place a hand on him reflexively, but the blanket constrained any movement.

"He kept threatening to turn me in when you were still in high school and that cowboy friend of his was buying off me, but he never did. Then, a few years later, he saw me out being stupid and turned me in. Shit, what I was doing had nothing to do with him then, but his over-developed sense of honor must've kicked in. I did my stint and then got mandatory counseling. His cowboy friend was there, voluntarily."

"Jasper? Counseling? Really?"

"Yeah, really. But, nice to know that me doing time and counseling is no big shock." He huffs and looks away from me.

"Sorry."

"No biggie."

"Really, I mean it. I had no idea about you either, I just, well….sorry."

He shrugged. "Anyway, by the time Jasper and I were in group together, he was mostly dealing with guilt from the fallout of his phase years ago. Pretty sure that was a one-time thing for him back then, but he never dealt with it, so there he sat. He'd whine about how he'd messed up with Alice – that was a treat to hear him go on about, let me tell you." He gave another of his dry, unhappy laughs. "How he felt like he deserved not be happy, how he didn't deserve Alice – which I'd say he's fucking right about - because he'd ruined his best friend's life being careless."

"I don't understand."

"That makes two of us. He'd go on and on about how - clear back in high school - Edward had ended up taking some of his shit and wound up in this situation he couldn't get out of. He'd go on about that, and I'd be sitting there in my folding chair trying to either ignore him or trying to look like I give a shit about why anybody would do that to themselves – guilt themselves out like that."

The temperature seemed to dip again and a few more animals scurried closer to the log we were on.

"Let's get outta here," James said as he stood up. I gathered my things and left the wet blanket in the truckbed. After I folded up the blanket, he tossed me his jacket. I handed him the last loaf of coffeecake – it seemed like the least I could do and I didn't want animals ransacking the truck cab overnight - and he lifted an eyebrow but didn't ask. He hadn't offered to bring me back out with gas, but I could still call AAA or get Dad to bring me back out.

The ride back was mostly quiet and it began to rain. James broke the silence once in a while by sharing little tidbits about his life. He'd lived in Canada for a while. He'd bought the diner.

"You want to some coffee? I've got connections," he said as we entered the city limits.

"Thanks, but no. I'm going to have to get up early tomorrow to try figure out how to get my truck back."

"I can run you back out tomorrow."

_Okay, so this James is not the James of my youth_. _Helpful? Was this the guy I still had anxiety-induced dreams about working for? Yelling my name about an endless assembly line of orders to fill? Maker of chili with meat of questionable origin?_

I didn't really want to ask Dad to run me out and then have to explain why I was out in the woods in the first place; I really didn't want to ask Alice or Rose or anybody else for anything just yet.

"Um, sure. Come by anytime. Obviously, I'm not going anywhere."

It wasn't until after I was inside my house that I realized I was still wearing his jacket. It was dirty and coarse, and looked too big, as though he'd stolen it off someone. I hung it up on a peg near the door. _Is this how low I've sunk? So alone that I am befriending James? No. No, I am not. This is coincidence. This is chance. This is all kinds of icky-weirdness._

I left the lights off and shuffled into the shower, then my sweats, then bed.

_I'm at his window. Everything is covered in early snow; it flutters on the other side of a gauze curtain. _

_Bella, please stay. You don't have to leave. _

_I nod, though I know I can make it home, and go to his dresser to find one of his shirts to sleep in. It smells like him and soap._

_He's tucking a sheet in around the sofa cushion, a make-shift bed._

_ "I'm so sorry Edward…I don't mean to inconvenience you…I'm not kicking you out of your own bed."_

_ "Well, I'm not making you sleep on the sofa." _

_He drops a pillow and looks to me. _

_I look over his shoulder toward the hall that leads to his bedroom._

_ And he takes my hand. _

Other dreams come to me, rhythmic and unclear. It was shade then light, silent then pounding. Like a searchlight then nothingness. When it repeated the fourth – fifth? – time I awoke to see headlights travel slowly across my ceiling, then bend and come to rest on the far wall. Someone was in my drive.

I slipped from beneath the covers and scooted along the wall to the partially open window, then shifted the blinds as little as possible to peek out. The lights were blinding and I couldn't tell what kind of car it was. I moved back and I pushed myself flat against the wall next to the window frame. A car door opened and shut right before the shadow of a figure appear in the light from the window and stretch across the floor.

My heart should've been racing, but it wasn't. This had to be one of the many people who had been trying to call me all evening on my still-turned-off phone. I wasn't scared; I simply didn't want to deal with anyone yet.

The figure came close to the glass and an outline of chaotic hair came into focus. Edward.

"Bella, are you in there?"

I grabbed a white air horn canister from my nightstand and squeezed it at the open window.

Edward stumbled back but caught himself. "Shit!"

He righted himself and grabbed the frame , his shoulders rising and falling rapidly.

"Bella, it's just me. Edward."

I moved directly in front of the window and faced him, my arms folded and the canister still clutched in my right hand.

"I know." I squeezed the horn again level with his face.

The next thing I saw was one of Edward's feet as it went up over his head as he reeled back and fell onto the ground with a splut.

"What the hell, Bella?" He called up from below the window.

_I am a tad more pleased with myself than I should be. That was not nice of me. Know what? A big eff you to nice. Nice never got me anywhere. I used to be nice. I remember those days, back when I would give my last pencil to another kid in class and then I would get in trouble for not having one. Nice is letting someone else have the last piece of turtle cheesecake. Nice is remembering someone's birthday when they forget yours. _

_Looking back, nice seems kind of stupid. Huh, who knew?_

"That's what you get for sneaking around bedroom windows. What do you want?"

He stood up and tried to brush himself off as he spoke. "You aren't answering your phone. Can I come in?" _Perhaps, I am not answering my phone out of a fervent wish not to speak with anyone, least of all you. But go ahead and peek in my bedroom window tonight, now, because that couldn't possibly go badly. _

Despite my better judgment, I went to the front door and let him in. Little brown dots of mud had splashed up on his front; I was certain his backside was covered in it.

"Don't sit," I said and pointed to a mud tray by the door on which he should leave his shoes. While he removed his shoes, I went and grabbed a couple of blankets and set them down near his feet. "I don't have anything big enough to fit you." I turned around and hoped that he caught on because I simply had neither the patience to explain that I wanted to wash his clothes for him nor the desire to figure out why I felt so inclined.

The sound of clothing shuffling began behind me.

"Where's you truck? I thought I'd wait here until you showed up, but then I saw you at the window. How did you get here?"

"I'm fine Edward. I've managed just fine without being walked to my truck or any other needless chivalry for a very long time."

My feet began to shuffle from one side to the other and I continued to inspect the wall. He was still moving around behind me. _Stare at the wall. Stare at the wall. The wall doesn't have piercing eyes, or an unholy, defined jawline, or six creases – four long and two short - that form in its bottom lip when it gets dry. The wall is plain. The wall is your friend._

"I was worried."

"Don't try to take care of me," I said. "You have plenty of other people to take care of." I meant to spit the words, but my voice came out hoarse. _I'm being a bitch. I can acknowledge it. I can own it – all my bitchery. Does it matter? Nope. _

_This bear? Poked._

The rustling of fabric ceased and Edward cleared his throat. "Bella, we need to talk. I thought that when you said what you said earlier that you wanted to…to try. But then you left and...we really need to talk about all this." _Wrongo. The last thing I need to do is talk with you about this Edward. I need to stay upset. I need to forget that you're the only person who ever really took care of me. I need to forget that I felt alive with you. _

I turned and saw that he was still wearing his clean shirt and the blanket was slung around his waist like a huge towel. I snatched the muddy clothes from his hand and marched mutely to the laundry room.

When I returned, after a detour to grab the spare pillow from my bed, Edward was still standing in the entryway. There were dark patches under his eyes and his hair looked even more disheveled that usual. _And yet, he still manages to be the most amaz… the hottes…gah – Don't. Think. About. Him. Like. That. _He was looking at the living room as though he wasn't sure if he should venture in there or not.

"Edward, it is the middle of the night. It's been a weird day. Surely you can appreciate that. Just go to sleep and we'll talk in the morning." _I have to get away from him. I can't just switch it off like this – if I could, I would've years ago. Just get away._

I threw the pillow on the sofa and motioned toward it in a manner that said _help yourself_. He took on a look of resignation as he walked over.

……….

Later, after sleep had eluded me for an untold time, I found myself standing next to the sofa. _Because my willpower in this is nil. Is he really here, in my house? He's been within a few miles of me for years but he might as well have lived on a different continent. Now, he's right here. Right here. A couple of weeks ago, I could barely be in the same building and now he's making a dent in my couch. So crazy. So fucking bizarre. _Edward was curled into the back, one of the blankets drawn up around his shoulders while the one around his legs had become unwound, his thighs exposed. I reached down to pull the blanket back around him, his skin chilly when my hand skimmed across him.

He stirred.

"Bella."

I froze. It had all seemed so natural, so innocent moments earlier when I meant to tuck him in. With his voice, it felt intimate.

"Bella." He was talking into the pillow. Hell, he was snuggling the pillow.

He was still asleep. And dreaming about me.

I knew I should walk away and go back around the corner to my bed; this was wrong. I had no more right listening to his dreams than he had business to be dreaming about me. _Not mine. _

"Don't leave…sorry…so sorry. Don't leave…Tell me…"

His back and biceps tensed.

"Please tell me. Home…Don't leave." His voice was so small; I wouldn't have heard it if I weren't next to him. He began to squirm and adrenaline coursed through me. Soon, it would make me able to move, soon I'd be gone._ Not mine. Not. Mine._

"Don't let me leave."

The hurt in his voice hit me, winded me, and I felt my knees buckle. I knelt beside him.

A thick, blue vein marred his forehead. He shuddered and folded the pillow into his chest.

"_Home_. The only time. Tell me."

He kicked off the blanket I'd just wrapped him in. I reached out to replace it. He kept mumbling.

"I fell."

I tossed the blanket over him and steeled myself to go, but his hand caught mine as I released the material.

"Bella?" He sat up on one elbow and blinked, looking disoriented.

"I thought maybe you were cold," I said, looking at where he clung to me. "You kicked the blankets off."

He closed his eyes for a few seconds and then spoke. "Don't leave."

_Is he still asleep? _

I made to move away but he held my hand more tightly. _Alright, not asleep._

"Edward, I need to go." I found I had to force the words out around a lump that I hadn't realized had formed in my throat. I pulled back my hand once more but he held on. "This isn't right."

His fingers dug almost painfully into my hand and then he relaxed. I noticed for the first time that he was panting as if he'd just run a marathon.

"Please, Bella. Don't go."

"It's not right, Edward." I made my voice sound as firm possible. "You're engaged. You're a father for crying out loud." I ran my hands threw my hair. "I can't risk myself around you when there is nothing to gain."

"You're wrong," he said thickly.

"What do you want from me Edward?" My voice was barely a whisper. I shifted forward to push up from my knees. Edward leaned forward at the same time and we hovered with our faces inches apart for a few moments. He smelled like warmth and green, if those things had scents.

"I can't," I said. "I can't be that girl." I sat back on my heels.

He sat up more and ran a hand through his hair. "No, I suppose not."

"I'm sorry I was trying to see if there was anything between us," I breathed, and shame swam around me. My gaze fell to my legs; I didn't deserve to even look at him. "If I'd known you had a… a family, I wouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have let myself regardless."

The furniture groaned as Edward sat the rest of the way up. I felt his hands come up under the hair that veiled my face. He ran a thumb along my earlobe and my treacherous body trembled. His breath hitched and I was certain he had recognized the affect he had on me.

"I have a son. He's my family. Not a family like you mean. There's a difference."

_A son. A son. Not family. A son. Not family?_

"Why aren't you together?" My voice was hushed, as if I were telling a secret. "You have a house and job and your ever-present family sedan. You're like a recipe for family man. Just add wedding."

His hands slid down to rest near my shoulders. He breathed deeply and looked as though he were building sentences in his mind.

"Well, this is what I asked for isn't it?" He shook his head, less-than-half amused. "Now we're talking and I find I have things that I need to admit to myself as well as you."

I continued to stare and breathe rapidly through my mouth. His hands were still on me, his fingers bent around to my back. The rain had started again; staccato drops pelted the roof.

"There's no date set. She's probably enjoying feeling powerful, like she's stringing me along for the first time after all the time I did the same thing to her. I deserve it in a way. I don't think I care about that part though, because it won't solve anything."

"But, your son…you'd be together."

"Bella, she won't move here. I go three days most weeks… and I know that's not ideal, but that's the best I can do. She still lives with her parents while she's finishing her degree. It's not an option for me to live there, too. I can't carry the mortgage here and a place there.

"I don't want to be one of those guys who acts as though everything their child's mother does is calculated to cause him grief. It's not like that. But, sometimes, she does make things more difficult than they need to be. It's… you know what? None of those reasons really matter. It's just details." He sighed and took a deep breath, the first one since he woke up. I found myself watching his long lashes bend slightly and press against his skin each time he blinked.

"Edward, I really want to understand."

"I know. I'll explain. If you want to know – and I'm grateful if you'll give me the time to do it – I'll tell you anything, everything. Please trust me. But, honestly, I don't know how I've let things get so screwed up."

"Okay," I said. I was trying to say that it was okay for him to explain, that I was okay to listen, that it might be okay to trust him. I wasn't sure any of those were really going to be okay. Everything under my skin was an odd mix of longing and apprehension.

He took nearly a full minute, still touching me, still keeping me near, before he spoke again.

"In the end, it comes down to wanting better for him. I never want him to be without love. I want him to recognize it instinctively and never let it go." Edward tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. "He deserves to grow up in a home where I can show him a constant example of it every day. And I don't love her."

……………..

Please review


	10. Chapter 10  Ananthous Relationships

**A/N:** If you've been avoiding "Quoting Frost" so that you won't get spoiled – get thee hence.

Go read it now, if you want. I encourage you to.

If you read it a while ago, maybe even venture back over there if you have a moment. And leave a review? Thousands of reads & only about a dozen (very nice) reviews. Painful. You wound me.

The exchange at the end of this chapter might pay off more if you've recently read QF (or the earlier chapter of BR)

There is only one plot point mentioned in QF that hasn't come up in this story & it will be a while before it comes up here. Knowing won't ruin anything.

That being said, there are still more things we will learn as the story progresses (e.g. why Jasper seems the way he does, Angela's life, and Tanya has a secret that is not in either story, too. And it's not something that belongs on Maury Povich. Any thoughts?)

"The Blessing Ring" was recently reviewed and accepted by Twi-Fic Promotions! There was also a strong recommendation for "Quoting Frost" mentioned within the review.

.

……..

**Chapter 10: Ananthous Relationships **

He doesn't love her.

_Snoopy dance anyone? _

But, I also felt a little bit like I was being pulled back on a wheeled cart. It was like a movie scene where the dim protagonist had finally grasped that people were living in the damnable cornfield. I'd been searching to see if he ever cared about me while, perhaps, he was merely incapable of caring…emotionally unavailable. _Who is with someone for years that they don't really love? Oh, well that's a stupid question. Plenty of people. Plenty of stupid, stupid people. _

Or, maybe, he was like – or would end up like - those glassy-eyed people who stand in the checkout line with kids and significant other in tow, plunking down cans and ground chuck onto the conveyer belt before they head home, click on the tube and ignore everyone until bed. Then the alarm goes off and it starts all over again. I thought of that Newton guy I'd gone to school with. I'd run into him and his brood from time to time. He used to look like he was unfulfilled; a few years ago, he'd looked resigned.

Or, maybe, Edward was one of those folks who felt like they might never do better. That they needed to settle, for whatever reason. _Pot? Have you met my friend, Kettle?_

Or, maybe, he wanted it all, but just felt stuck.

"Dryer." I spluttered and gestured toward the laundry room to excuse myself, walking away too quickly, to switch his clothes out. When I opened the dryer, there was still a load of towels inside. I emptied them into a basket and started the clothes. Edward was waiting out in the other room, waiting to continue our conversation, a conversation about the type of person who would agree to marry someone they couldn't call the love of their life.

_And this just became the most interesting load of laundry ever_. Fold. Fold. Fold.

………

(Bella's Wedding - 2006)

"Bella," Tyler had called from outside the changing room's door, "you look amazing."

"Wha…" I'd spun around in my wedding dress, still-open buttons fell further away from my exposed back. The door had remained shut. "Tyler! You scared me. I really thought you had looked in here and jinxed everything."

He made a scoffing sound and then chose to use a sweet voice. "We're doing all this for you, so there'd be no point in my going through everything just to turn around and ruin it now. Besides, it's nothing I haven't seen before." _All class, all the time, Tyler. _He'd called the last part out and sounded as if he were headed away toward the neutral zone where guests were gathered.

Tyler had been the one to pursue me. It was he who'd repeatedly asked me to marry him. Alice had been more than thrilled to plan every last wedding detail and I'd been glad to let her. She'd flitted about picking out the location, the cake, the dress. Well, she'd narrowed it down to half a dozen dresses and I chose from them. As a testament to her skills, Alice had performed a miracle and found my perfect dress. If I'd ever really permitted myself to fantasize about my wedding day, it would've included a dress that looked like that one: vintage pearl lace overlay, smooth silk beneath, and a fitted column shape with a deep V in the back. It looked antique, practically heirloom…and I left it at the store.

Because, that was the perfect dress and it belonged on the perfect bride and that was not me.

I'd known it wasn't me when Alice was fastening the hook and eye buttons that ran all up the back of the dress I'd actually bought. It wasn't me when I was adjusting my veil and touching up my make-up, looking in the mirror at a woman who was taking what she could get, because that seemed the smart thing to do.

And definitely it wasn't me when, instead of looking at my father as he took my arm to give me away, I looked past him and through the snowy chapel window, and tried trying to convince myself of whether or not there was a deep green Camaro stopped in the middle of the street outside.

That day, heading down the aisle, I wondered how it had gotten to be something that we were doing "for me."

Just like everything else, Tyler had seemed to see what he wanted to see.

………

(Present)

Footfalls sounded across the wooden floor planks when the laundry basket was half empty. I'd been gone for quite a while; it was obvious I was stalling.

"Bella?"

Robotically, I continued stack up towels. "How does that work?" _How do other people go into it, stay in, whatever, when it feels "off?"_

His hand came down into the basket and he removed one. "It doesn't." He, too, was continuing our conversation. A few beats later, he placed a folded towel on the stack. I turned to him, looking for clarification. He was still wearing the blanket wrapped tightly around his waist, slung low like an un-plaid kilt. It was rather ridiculous.

"If it worked," he continued, "it wouldn't be like this." He cleared his throat, and it seemed genuine instead of one intended to send a message.

"Does she know?"

"Know what? That I don't love her?" The blanket had loosened and he was watching himself try to gather it back up. I considered for a moment telling him not to worry about it, that we were both adults and that I could handle seeing the boxers or briefs or whatever he had going on down there, as long as he had something going on down there. And then, I concluded that contemplation of Edward's underwear in these conditions seemed marvelously inappropriate.

"Yes, does she have any idea how you do… or don't, feel?"

"Yes."

_Whoa. Yes? _I'd expected to hear him to try to rationalize how - somehow - it was acceptable to be with a person, to plan on marrying a person, when it was more like a business transaction. All head, no heart - that's how I'd done it. It was like a self-imposed, arranged marriage… and I'd been told that many of those had a way of turning out fine. People can grow to love one another over time. _"Tale as old as time…" whoops – channeling a little "Beauty and the Beast" there._

"But why ask someone you don't love to marry you?" I felt like a fraud questioning him; I'd said yes to someone I didn't really love. "I mean, it's not like she's ruined…this isn't a hundred years ago. Single parents are often pretty kick-ass parents." And then, it occurred to me that was a pointless thing to say since his dad had raised him on his own for most of his life.

"I didn't ask, she did." He gave an unamused half-laugh and let my last bit go. "I never said anything… it was just assumed. But, that's not really the point – at some point omission becomes acceptance. I've done that." He folded another towel. "I think that not everybody who is together, who gets married, is experiencing a great love. Sure, some truly are and others think they are but it's too conditional – things change and they don't feel the same."

"Like those bargains that best friends make? 'If we're both not married by 35, let's marry each other,'" I said.

"Exactly. That's human nature, I guess. If you don't think the real thing is in the cards for yourself."

I chewed my bottom lip and considered what he'd said. He had a point. True love was elusive and the desire for it, the dream of it, fueled entire industries; that was why the greater part of my novel and DVD collections had pastel covers and swirly font titles.

Emotionally comatose Newton and all the cliché people who say that they stay together for the sake of the kids sprang to mind - and I thought of my mother. "You know, my mom didn't love my dad enough to stay with him when I was growing up." I plunked the towel I've just finished with down on dryer and looked him straight in the eye for the first time since he'd wandered into the laundry room. "And I am eternally grateful."

"You think I've been selfish."

I cocked an eyebrow at him but said nothing, so he continued. "Well, in a way, you're right. This way, things are amiable. I've made the decisions I've made because they allow me to see him, Seth, without extra barriers or hurdles. We'd have even less time together otherwise. But, I'm not hiding anything – she knows the score. She just wants to believe that I'll feel how she thinks she wants me to feel some day."

I didn't say anything for a moment and just studied him, because something was different about him just then, and I wanted to figure out what. He had clearly made a conscious choice at some point in time to compromise want he wanted for what he felt needed to be done, but he certainly had no regrets about fatherhood. _And, to me, that…that seems to be a… relief? _I couldn't imagine feeling the same way about him if he acted like his child was a hardship._ Oh, man, this is some heavy stuff to contemplate before coffee._

There was no wavering; he didn't look dead like Newtown. As Edward had spoken, he'd seemed different than he had at any point since we'd begun to spend time together again. After a silence, he looked expectantly at me. And then it hit me. _He seems like himself. He seems like the confident person I knew in high school, the guy I could picture making the whole world come to him with the crook of his finger. I've been so caught up in my own reaction to all these encounters… how have I not realized that he isn't polished, self-assured like he used to be… until now. Now, when he's telling me what he's willing to do to as a father. Now, he is who I remember._

"I don't know what I'd call it, maybe selfish selflessness…but I know that you have to realize that rarely does any good come from those situations. What would my life have been like if all I ever dealt with was watching the two people who were supposed to love me the most just suffer one another? How can that be healthy?"

As if he needed something to do with himself, he bent over to fold another towel. "I get that, I really do.

"Bella, do you remember what I said about daily examples? I wanted – I don't mean to say anything hurtful here if I am, I'm just trying to be honest – I wanted to love her. I've known her practically my whole life. Emmett and I, we used to consider her out little sister." He shook his head at his words and looked as though he'd swallowed a bitter pill. "And I do care about her, but it's not like that. I can't make it be like that. I've tried."

Gently, he placed the last of the towels on the stack and smoothed the top one slowly with his hand flat. "I've spent a lot of my life trying."

I sighed, perhaps too loudly, and he straightened, his features looking suddenly guarded. "Edward, I'm not judging you - because I'd be a massive hypocrite if I did - so, when I ask this, please understand that, okay?" He remained silent and appeared to be biting his cheek, so continued. "Why would you try for something if it wasn't happening, you know, naturally? Why spend all that time with her since high school?"

"My misguided attempts to right a wrong… in a nutshell." He opened up the dryer and felt around as though he were checking to see if things were dry enough to put on, then restarted it.

"And now?" I asked. "I mean, some guys, they just walk. Unplanned pregnancies happen all the time."

He pursed his lips briefly, and then shook his head. "I have no idea how other guys do that."

I didn't really know how to respond any more than he seemed able to fathom the motivation of others, so I scooped up the towels and headed around him toward my tiny linen closet.

…….

The new sun came up and illuminated corners of my house that I hadn't noticed in a long while due to their familiarity. There was dust on the mirror above the mantle and a stack of forgotten books under an end table.

Edward dressed in another room while I flipped pancakes. _Sleep? Sleep is for the weak. _

I'd just put out two plates when I heard Edward come around the corner. "I think I'm going to head out," he said. I looked at him as a hot blueberry pancake slid from the spatula onto the plate nearest him and I pushed it toward him. One corner of his mouth picked up. "After a bit, then."

I tucked an errant strand of hair behind my ear and finished at the stove. "Juice?" I asked without turning around.

"No, thank you."

"Feel free to dig in, I mean, if you're wanting to get out of here," I said, then spun and set heated syrup down on the table.

He fingers through his hair with one hand and pulled a chair out with the other. "We don't seem to be very good at instantly understanding each other anymore, do we?"

I pulled my chair out and sat down across from him, but replied only be tilting my head to the side like a dog wondering what you've got behind your back. I took a bite containing a dense cluster of berries.

For a moment, his hand hovered over the table near where mine rested, then he grabbed the syrup. "What I meant was that I need to get on the road. It's a long drive."

Fortunately, pancakes are inherently boneless; otherwise, Edward would've needed to perform the Heimlich.

"Drive? Are you going up north today? Now?" Normally, my first inclination would be that he was leaving because he was done being around me and wanted to go back to her; however, I was surprised at my composed reaction to his sudden decision to leave. I didn't feel abandoned – though I wasn't sure why.

"Well, yes," he said and cut away another piece, but left it on his plate. "They went out of town, but they should be back by the time I get there. I really need to address this and face the music, as they say."

"Just like that?"

"Just like what?"

"Well," I said and I swirled a forkful in buttery maple, "are you sure that's what you want?"

He took a moment and looked like he was pondering me rather than himself. "Yes, I'm sure."

"Why?"

"Why not?" He said and it sounded rhetorical. "I don't mean to sound nonchalant. It is a big, big deal. But, I've been wavering forever. The few times I've tried to share these thoughts with someone, well, they always encourage me in one direction. You're the only person who I've talked to that isn't well…pushing. Do you realize how many angles you've already brought up? It's like you get it. You make me comfortable...as always. I can think clearly. And, it's time."

_He's not doing this for me, is he? We just started talking again… that would be crazy… wouldn't it? _I really wanted to ask him, but it seemed beyond presumptuous to think that he'd make such a major decision based on a walk in Esme's garden and a bucket of blueberries.

"Bella, you look like you want to ask me something. You can, you know." He popped the last bite in his mouth and then put the fork back in, pulling a bit harder on the tines, not wasting any.

_What the hell. _I swallowed thickly, feeling the sugary mass slide down the back of my throat. "You're not doing this because of the things I said… earlier… on your sofa, are you?"

He looked off to the side for a moment and chewed his lower lip, then leaned back on the rear legs of his chair, just like he used to do in the school cafeteria. "Would that be a problem, if I were?"

"It's just such a major decision. I think I'm the last person in this equation that should factor in."

He remained balanced on the legs of his chair but turned back to me, a smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. I thought I heard him say a word that I couldn't quite make out and then he spoke louder. "I'm doing it for me, and Seth…and her - Tanya. Even though she doesn't think she wants it, everyone deserves a fair shot at finding someone who actually appreciates them."

Wordlessly, I gathered dishes and he got the rest. I could feel him looking at me while I load them into the sink.

"Bella-"

"Edward-"

We both began at once. Edward motioned for me to continue.

"I think it would be best if, when you get back, you and I don't speak for awhile." His eyes widen at my words and his mouth opened slightly, but he said nothing. "I'm troubled about my role in all this. I feel like a horse's patoot for yelling like that last night."

"Whatever you want," he said rather flatly, but I couldn't see his face because he had turned away to put away the syrup and butter.

"That's my point. What do you want Edward? It sounds like its time you make it about what you want."

He nodded while he was still standing in front of the refrigerator door. "Patoot?" He laughed. "Trying to make up for all the biker bar lingo?"

"Something like that." I rolled my eyes at myself. "What were you going to say earlier?"

"Oh… I'll ask you later." He emphasized the last word as if to point out that it was in compliance with what I'd asked of him.

……..

The Volvo had left my driveway shortly after breakfast but, less than ten minutes following Edward's departure, the doorbell rang. I looked around fruitlessly to see if Edward might've left anything behind on my way to answer it. When I reached for the knob, I spied James's jacket hanging there and sighed. All I really wanted was a shower and then a long nap, but I'd have to go back out for my truck on James's schedule. I removed his jacket from the hook and prepared to hand it to him when I opened the door.

Having resigned myself to a long journey out to the woods, I was shocked to see it wasn't James on my porch.

"Good morning, Jasper." I extended an arm to rest on the doorframe but made to move to invite him in.

"Bella." He had one hand in his pocket and his eyes looked back and forth between me and my vacant driveway. Finally, they fell to the dirty jacket still hanging from my lowered arm.

I fought back a yawn. "Is there something I can do for you?" It was more difficult than I liked to admit being pleasant with him. Between tiredness, emotional upheaval, and the tension in our last encounter, maybe I should've considered it a victory that I even tried to be pleasant.

"You wouldn't happen to know where Edward is, would you?" His eyes darted to the driveway again.

His demeanor made me feel protective, but I wasn't certain if that was the appropriate response. Did Edward say he felt like he was always being pushed, encouraged toward a certain route. _And this Jasper guy sure seems like a pushy bastard._ "Wow, last night everyone else was looking for me, but you're looking for him. I'm not his keeper."

"Well, he's not answering his phone." _How long has he been calling Edward if he is already out knocking on doors looking for him? _

"Perhaps that's because it is ridiculously early in the morning." He looked uncomfortable at my tone but I couldn't care as he was a very unpleasant man at best, as far as I could tell. From what I'd seen, it would be difficult not to judge Alice simply for her infatuation with him. "Actually, Jasper, would you like to explain why you've spent as much time looking at my driveway as you have my face?"_ Because, I think you've driven by here at least once already and seen his car, haven't you?_

He raised his eyebrows but ignored my question. "If you hear from him, please tell him I'm looking for him."

I nodded and shut the door as he still stood there.

……..

I wanted to take a shower, or even better, a long bath. _Sirens of Calgon_, _take me away. _

But, I was afraid James would show up while I was in it, so I laid down in the living room. The spare pillow was still there and it smelled like both myself and Edward. _No wonder he was having a dream about me. _I fought the urge to bury my face in it; it still seemed wrong.

I got up and switched on my phone. I texted Alice, Rose, and Emmett to tell them I was okay and that I would call them later. Of course, Alice called me back immediately anyway.

"Oh, Bella. I am soooo sorry. I thought you already knew everything and I was being a chicken shit and didn't want to bring it up. I figured you knew and it didn't matter. I didn't know it was going to sideswipe you like that."

"How do you know it 'sideswiped' me?"

"Well, Edward called looking for you," Alice said in her usual mile-a-minute way. "My god, Bella, the man sounded frantic. He told me what happened – he actually sort of exploded, I guess from the pressure of trying to get ahold of you before he caved and called me to see if I knew where you where. Did you really say all that stuff? Of course you did, nevermind. Anyway, I tried to call you so many times that Jasper finally decided to go out looking for you."

_I knew it._

Alice continued to apologize and explain that she had just found out everything herself and really thought I already knew. I told her that I understood; last night I couldn't see straight, but today it was clear that she had lived out of town and no one would be anxious to discuss anything about Edward with me. _I mean, I avoid the color green – I might come across a wee bit oversensitive._

It also made sense that Emmett, who was really only a new friend, would assume I knew. _This is what I get for living like a hermit. This town is so small, people probably know what toothpaste brand everyone else has by their sink. It follows that, if I spend all my spare time at home alone, I would miss common knowledge. I've disengaged myself from everything and everyone. _

_Nearly everyone. _I thought of Rose and felt my eyes narrow. _I think I might still be pissed off at Rose. Am I? _Rose had been the only person, apart from my dad, that I'd spent any time with in the past couple of years. She'd seen me at my lowest point, even if I hadn't let her know all the details. _Ugh, I am too tired to think straight. _

Alice and I said our goodbyes and I told myself I'd deal with Rose later. That would be a long discussion and I was having trouble keeping my eyes open as it was.

As I began to drift off to sleep, I couldn't help feeling concerned about Edward driving when he was conceivably as tired as I was. _I told him I didn't want to talk for a while. Does it matter that this is out of concern? Well, why else would I call? Don't answer that. _I didn't know why else I would call; I hadn't had time to fully consider all the recent events. I didn't know how I felt. _I'm worried. I would want someone to call and keep me awake if I were tired and on the road. Of that, I'm sure._

I took a deep breath and pressed Edward's number. It rang several times and I had expected it to go to voice by the time Edward finally picked up.

"Hello Bella" I could actually hear his smile.

"Hi."

"God, I love when you say that."

………

Please review.


	11. Chapter 11  Late Blooms

**A/N:** I will be donating a piece to the Fic for Nashville effort. Here is a link about the Nashville efforts: .

By next week's update, I will be able to tell you exactly what the piece I am submitting is like, in case that would influence you. Please check out their link, there are many, many authors contributing.

According to the site: If you want to receive the compilation (ebook) of ALL the fics being written by the incredibly talented authors on our list just make a donation (of $5 or more) to one of the suggested charities and email a copy of your donation receipt to: . [They] will send out the compilation (ebook) out on June the 5th, 2010.

……….

**Chapter 11 – Late Blooms**

Our phone call went on for well over an hour as we talked about everything and nothing. He shared a few very sweet little stories about Seth, at first cautiously, as if gauging my reaction, then without hesitation as miles and minutes ticked past. More discussion of college years included Edward wholly impressing me with how well-read he had become. Edward, of pickle-bucket cocktails and the one-time rumored largest empty Jack Daniels bottle collection in the Pacific Northwest, discussed _A Room of One's Own_; my worldview may have tilted on its axis.

The tone of his voice altered, strained, when he told me he had arrived. After a moment of silent observation, he spoke again. "It looks like they aren't back yet." He sounded a combination of disappointed and relieved.

"Oh, well. Maybe that's for the best," I said. "You can go get a coffee or maybe close your eyes for a few minutes."

"Silver lining it is then, I suppose," he said, his voice lifting a little. I knew he had to be exhausted and the wisdom of confronting this issue immediately, striking while the iron was hot as it were, began to fade in my estimation. He'd seemed very certain that he wanted to end things with Tanya, but he was sleep deprived; he was walking into an emotionally volatile situation when he was already drained.

_And I'm trying to remind myself this probably has nothing - should have nothing - to do with me._

"Edward, I'm worried."

"About what?" He spoke around a yawn.

"You're exhausted. You're about to end a long-term relationship. It's bound to be draining on anyone, much less someone who has barely slept all night."

"I'll be fine. I understand your concern," he said. "But, I don't think I can sleep until I do this now."

"Just be prepared for the guilt. The guilt they can throw off… it's crippling," I said and fidgeted with the throw I was wrapped in.

A few moments pause and then he spoke again. "You know, don't you? I mean, you're the voice of experience here, aren't you?" They were barely questions.

I was and I wasn't. My relationship with Tyler was not nearly as long and we didn't share a child, but we had been married. Truthfully, even though we were married, it had never felt like a serious relationship…because I didn't take it seriously.

That wasn't a road I felt we needed to trod down at the time, so I cleared my throat. "Please call me when you leave, let me know how it goes… if you want."

"I'll call. If you actually want me to, I'll call."

His words reminded me that I'd told him I really didn't think we should talk for a while after he broke things off with her. For propriety's sake. For my sanity's sake.

For my heart's sake.

_He'll be free for the first time in years. _Nothing said that he wouldn't want, maybe even need, to experience that freedom in whatever way he felt drawn.

I'd gone through a wild phase at one time myself, spending long, late nights with different men. _Men like Ferguson, Kimmel, O'Brien, and Letterman. Yeah, I'm a hoe like that._

And what if he was drawn to me? _I can't believe I'm even thinking this, but do I really want him to be drawn to me? I mean, how much of what I feel for him is simply high school crush residual effect? _I thought of his devotion to his son, his concern for Esme…and me, the easy conversations into which we'd begun to fall, and the inexplicable _something_ about the way that I felt around him – that felt amiss when he was – and I decided he deserved at least as much chance, if not more, than most.

"Edward? Maybe even call before you leave. Take a break and get some air. Feel free to call and talk it out with me, okay?"

He laughed, maybe a touch too giddy, the fatigue manifesting. "You're kind of unbelievable, you know that?"

"Quite."

"No, seriously," he said. "I don't know anyone else who would be supportive like this."

"Yes, I am all kinds of kick-ass." I yawned.

……….

I awoke to the sounds of an engine gunning it in the driveway and a kink in my neck from leaning on the arm of the sofa. I splashed cold water on my face and headed outside assuming it was James showing up to help me retrieve my truck - finally. _Now, now, beggars and choosers. _

_Hell, if it's about a choice, I'd choose to leave that hunk of junk out in the woods. _The novelty of my truck's quaintness had worn off long ago. About the third time I had to be towed to the shop for an engine overhaul.

"Thanks again for the ride James," I said as I returned his jacket. James mumbled something that might've been "You're welcome" and we headed out. I was less than talkative again but James spoke up when there was nothing he wanted to hear on the radio.

"Do you remember that Angela chick? You did work at the diner at the same time, didn't you? Sometimes it's hard to keep the help straight."

"Yes, I remember her. We worked together for awhile… I worked for her – covered her shifts – a lot." Actually, Angela and I had gotten caught up with one another a couple years ago, but I didn't feel like getting into all the details with James.

"Oh yeah," he said and scratched absentmindedly under his chin. "Well, she's back in town visiting her family. She came in the diner for breakfast and asked about you."

"Really? Well, if you see her again, tell her to drop by, please." Angela had always been very nice, very friendly, with me. So, despite Alice's stated distaste for her, seeing my old co-worker sounded enjoyable.

"Hang on," he said, and fished around in his front pocket while still trying to drive, weaving over the white line and into the gravel shoulder more than once. "She gave me her number to give to you."

The rest of the trip went smoothly; no more near death experiences at James's hand. I emptied the gas can into my truck's empty tank, returned it to the trunk of his car, and waved goodbye as he drove away.

The clearing was not much more inviting during the daytime than it had been at night. Aluminum cans and partially decomposed cups littered the forest floor. Movement in the treeline reminded me that I had no reason to hang around and reminisce about stuff that had never happened there; I hopped in the driver's seat and made for home.

Along the way, I checked my phone more than once to make sure I hadn't missed a call and that the ringer on high, which was the only chance I had of hearing it over the racket of the my truck chugging down the road.

Nothing.

It had been hours since Edward had hung up to get coffee. _Is he talking to her now? Is he on his way back? Oh no… did he fall asleep in the car waiting for them to get back and he's still parked somewhere? _I would've gladly been asleep if I hadn't been out on Operation Rust Recovery, but he had a different situation.

At home, I showered quickly, foregoing the bath for which I so longed out of fear of falling asleep and slipping under. My silent phone stared up at me from the bathroom counter as I toweled off.

I found myself pushing keys before I'd even formulated a plan to do so.

**You ok? – B**

I blew out my hair enough so that it wasn't too damp to sleep; my hair had grown long enough that it would take a good deal of time to dry it completely. The phone screen lit up as I finished.

**Ok. Rough going. I'll call. Thx – E**

_Well, at least he's awake. _It had taken him a good while to respond. It sounded as though it was happening.

_Right now. _

If I thought I'd feel better knowing his status, I'd been sorely mistaken.

Desperate for some serious comfy time, I slipped into soft, blue tea rose print cotton pajamas and made for bed. But, when I began to crawl under the covers, something was missing. Scooping my phone up, I headed to the living room and stopped at the sofa.

_It's _my_ pillow. I'll not let myself feel guilty or weak for wanting my own damned pillow._

_I won't let it force me into a judgment clouding dream about him. _

_It matters not that it smells of pine and mint and… honey?_

Cursing olfactory recollection, I clutched the pillowcase roughly in my phoneless hand and swung it by my side as the baseboards thundered in my wake.

……..

Smell or no smell, I slept like the proverbial log. If I dreamed anything, it wasn't interesting enough to remember when I woke. Well, there might have a dream about the sentient, disembodied head of an orange tabby cat rolling around my house and commenting on my lack of feng shui. Nothing that would mean the stress was getting to me. Nothing at all.

I looked at the Edward scented pillow rather smugly. No dreams about him. _Ha - who's the boss now, you big sack of heavenly fiberfill? Yeah, that's right. I'm the mutha fucking boss. _

A quick survey of the phone revealed that I had indeed managed to sleep through a call from Alice but no call from Edward. I wondered if he was one of those people who say they're going to call and then can't be troubled to do so.

Sunlight was waning and I was certain he had to be on his way back… if he was coming back. _He is coming back, isn't he?_

With that thought, tension I didn't realize I was holding in my shoulders gave way to something else and I sagged forward; my body reacting before my mind.

Maybe he had changed his mind.

Or, maybe it had been changed for him.

And I was a sadder at the idea than I than I might've anticipated. _Wow, that sounds pretty clinically detached for what I'm feeling. Am I boarding on crushed? Why did I doubt whatever this is earlier?_

I flipped the phone open and checked the registry to see if there was any chance I had done something batty like hold an entire phone conversation with him while I was asleep. _Nope. Nothing._

And what about him? He had seemed like he needed this - to move on - to happen for himself. I couldn't picture that he might possibly have peace if…

Ringing broke off my thoughts. The screen read "Edward" and I clasped the phone in both hands, and tried to compose myself well enough that my voice might not register a practically audible grin.

"Hello."

"Hi Bella. Sorry it took me so long to call." He sounded wrung out, but his voice picked up as he spoke.

"How did it go?"

"Um, as well as can be imagined, I guess."

"Are you just now leaving? Do you want to talk about it?" I regretted asking as soon as the rushed words were out of my mouth. Doubtless, the man had been talking all day. "You don't have to. I won't be offended if you don't want to talk. I'm just glad that finally you called."

"Well, I promised I'd call…so I'm calling. I do want to talk with you. Later, I guess, if you don't mind. I'm just going to get a motel room somewhere. It's not fair for me to be out on the road now."

"Fair" seemed like an odd choice of wording to me, but I left it alone.

"Sure," I said. "Whenever you're ready. Sleep well."

He laughed faintly, as if it were funny that there was even a remote likelihood that he might not sleep well.

"Goodnight Edward."

"Goodnight Bella."

"Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for calling me… with everything going on…I'm glad you remembered."

"I couldn't forget if I wanted to." He was quiet for a moment. "Goodnight Bella." He repeated himself and we ended the call.

With whatever the situation was with Edward finally in a hold pattern, I didn't know what to do with myself. The day was mostly gone, work was in the morning, I'd completely jacked with my sleep schedule, and I hadn't eaten since a very mapley breakfast in the early hours of the morning.

I slid on the jeans and gray shirt that were draped over the back of my reading chair, played my part in a round of phone tag with Alice, and then set up a dinner get-together with Angela.

Angela was at least as sweet as ever and I continued to have trouble comprehending Alice's aversion to her as well as the idea that Angela had been involved with that miserable Jasper fellow in any way. _He must have an appeal that escapes me._

_ Maybe he's just a flaming asshole where Edward is concerned._

_ Maybe I just don't care and I'd rather go chance the daily special at our one-star Forks Diner than think about this more._

………_._

The diner was not terribly crowded when I arrived so I had my pick of booths in the back and there was still plenty of chicken and noodles left to fill my order. None of the workers seemed familiar enough to strike up a conversation, so I spent my time between bites twirling the thick noodles into my mashed potatoes. I had just managed to completely camouflage a fifth noodle under the lumps when the booth shifted and I looked up to see Emmett, grinning, but with a hint of confusion on his face, plop down across from me.

"Why are you here?" He flipped the menu around a couple of times and then replaced it behind the salt and pepper shakers.

"I could ask you the same thing," I said and motioned toward the menu he had replaced without taking time to contemplate ordering anything.

"I saw your truck out front."

"And?" I shrugged as casually as I could manage.

"I thought you'd probably be with my brother."

I bristled but tried to behave as though his assumption hadn't fazed me. "Why?" I swallowed thickly. "Why would you think that?"

Emmett leaned across the table ever so slightly but dropped his voice. "Because Dad got a call from Tanya asking if he could have Edward call when he sees him. You know, since Edward isn't answering her calls...because they _called off their engagement today_." He emphasized the last part in a way that made it clear he knew the score and he wasn't letting me pretend otherwise.

"Why should he answer her calls if he already spent all day talking to her?" I realized my mistake mid-sentence but I was too far in to bother stopping. Emmett's face lit up. _Ugh. Here we go._

"You _do_ know what's up! I knew it." He banged a fist jubilantly once on the wobbly Formica tabletop. "I knew our plan would work – and it was even faster than I'd hoped," he cried and then sat back, stretching his arms wide along the back of the booth bench and looking very self satisfied.

"Yes. He's free now," I said and watched myself twirl a slippery noodle in some gravy. "So, mission accomplished." I couldn't even pretend not be melancholy, which pretty much flew in the face of everything that one might've predicted about my reaction to the situation. I wanted to be selfless in the matter, but it seemed an impossible task. Despite everything that had been finally said between us, there were no assurances that we'd pursue anything. Edward had major life issues going on and I was greedily hoping he'd be ready – and willing – to explore our connection. _I'm selfish. I'm drawn to him. I know he's flawed. So am I. Isn't everyone? _

"You don't seem as excited as I thought you'd be." Emmett left his arms where they were but his head moved closer, definitely trying to figure me out.

"We're not going to see each other for a while."

"You _what_?" That got his full attention. "What the crap Bella? Why would you do that?"

I dropped my fork and leveled my gaze at him. "Because he just left his fiancée, Emmett."

"Isn't that what needed to happen? Wait – don't bother to answer that. I'm the one who has seen how he's been. It is what needed to happen."

"Emmett." I said and leveled my gaze at him. "He just left her."

He shrugged as if to say "So?"

"Even you assumed he left her for me. How would that look?"

Emmett's nostrils flared and something told me he was not an individual who got upset often and the world should rejoice in that fact. "Big fucking deal how it looks. I can't believe you'd come this far and then just let the ball drop." He shook his head, looking exceedingly disgusted. "You really disappoint me Bella. I thought you… shit, why isn't it worth the effort? Don't you care? Doesn't it affect you at all?"

I stabbed my fork like a moon landing flag into the middle of my food and could feel my jaw clench. "Of course it affects me. Do you think I always wallow in a platter of coagulated starch? I've spent my entire adult life trying not to think about Edward and now I find I'm back in the belly of the beast. I can't stop. I don't really know him anymore, but I want to. We're both different than we used to be, but it doesn't seem to matter to me…and I am scared to my very core that I am right back where I always was."

Somewhere during my rant, Emmett softened and reached his hand out to close over mine. "You seem like you're trying to talk yourself back into your shell."

_Am I? _

_I think I just might be. _

_Has it come to this? Emmett's my life coach and my confidant is James._

Suddenly, I felt compelled to patch things up with Rose. _Funny thing that._

Emmett took a deep breath. "Maybe it's because that's what you're used to, but you're wrong Bella. I lived with him most of my life. You guys think I'm an idiot, but I know this. I know it's meant to be."

I looked at where his hand dwarfed mine beneath it and felt myself calm. "Well, Emmett, I didn't know you had it in you. That was nearly romantic."

He squirmed in his seat and moved his hand away to rub the back of his neck. "Yeah, well, what can I say? I'm a romantic bastard." He looked off to the side for a moment then turned back to me. "Seriously Bella. Step up."

"Seriously Emmett. Are _you_ really telling _me _step up?" I gave him what I hoped was a pointed look.

Emmett, in his third distinct visage of the evening, looked blank. He blinked at me several times.

Then, his eyes grew wide and when he opened his mouth a tiny mouse squeak came out.

I raised my eyebrows further into my hairline. "Emmett?"

He swallowed audibly. "Have you and Rose talked?"

"No, but I was just thinking of calling her."

"Will you be her maid of honor?"

"Oh dear god Emmett. Whatever you do, don't tell her you asked me first."

……….

Emmett insisted that I come with him to Rose's and, though I didn't believe it was the best idea to do these things with an audience, I simply had to see it go down with my own eyes. It might be said that it is in poor taste to propose on the same day that one's brother ends his own engagement. True to form, Emmett didn't let societal pressures deter him.

We arrived at Rose's place and Emmett bounded up the front steps two at a time. The night had become chilly so I shoved my hands into my pockets as I trailed behind. Emmett rang the doorbell and immediately began to pound a meaty fist on the door. Rose could be heard moving toward the door; apparently, this type of knocking was not unusual as Rose didn't rush to answer.

"Hey Babe," she said as she answered the door and kissed Emmett on the cheek as he entered. "Hello Bella." She moved aside as I walked in.

I managed a pressed-lip smile and walked through the door she still held open.

"If Emmett's playing peacemaker and you're here for an apology Bella, I don't have one for you," she said. The door clicked as it latched shut. Emmett started to say something to interrupt her, but she held her hand up to stop him as she spoke to me. "I know that you're probably mad at me, and maybe you should be. But if I'd made sure you knew about everything, then you'd have convinced yourself never to try and see 'what if.'"

I moved to join Emmett in the living room. "I didn't really come here to talk about this Rose, but I am mad at you. Where do you get off pushing me to talk to him while holding out on me?"

"The fact that you didn't know something like that, that shut yourself off that much, proves my point. I'm the one who saw you suffer. I'm the one who was there watching you fade away." Her words felt harsh, but her tone was not; she wasn't being intentionally cruel. I saw Emmett shuffle from one foot to other.

"It wasn't a snap decision for me, you know," she continued, her arms twisted in front of her. "If you end up happy but it costs me your friendship… well, that's my loss. I'm not sorry. I'd still do it again."

Emmett gave a little cough in the background. "Actually, Rose, um… that's not what we came here for."

Rose looked surprised and she turned her head back and forth between Emmett and me, no doubt trying to sort out our intentions. "Really? Well then what… oh shit! Did he? Are you two together now?" Rose was practically salivating and wrapped her arms around me, momentarily disregarding the unsettled issue between us.

"Yes and no," I said into her shoulder.

Still squeezing me around the waist, Rose pulled back and looked at me, but she spoke to Emmett. "What's she talking about Babe? What's 'yes and no' here?" Her forehead creased.

"Well," Emmett said and reached out, pulling her closer to him. "Edward called it off, but now Bella says they think they shouldn't see each other for a while." He gave an award worthy eye roll which Rose missed out on since she was busy rolling hers as well.

"So," Emmett said, encircling Rose in his arms. "I was thinking we need to make sure they have to spend time together. Like a bunch a big ol' mandatory get-togethers."

_Oh, don't do what I think you're going to do Emmett. Don't do it this way._

Rose looked up at him skeptically and he cupped her chin. Emmett looked deeply into her eyes and I only hoped he had come up with the perfect words to recover from such an atrocious set up. Instinctively, I scooted back into the corner.

"Rose, let's get married. Wanna take one for the team?"

Oh. My. God.

I couldn't even open my eyes. The fabric of the universe was certainly unweaving around me. That proposal warranted the end of the humanity itself; we were not worthy to go on roaming the earth.

Emmett Cullen was at the epicenter of our doom.

Hearing nothing, I peeked with one eye and saw Rose and Emmett kissing and holding onto one another tightly.

_Huh. To each his own._

Finally, Rose pulled back and grabbed him by the shoulders. "That was awful. You're gonna have to make up for that." Emmett nodded his head in sheepish agreement.

I knew Rose and I had to talk more. She did, ultimately, end up asking me to be her maid of honor and I agreed. I'd never seen the two of them so cute together, always touching or beaming at one another.

It was getting late and I'd been trying to say my goodbyes for an hour, but Emmett kept coming up with random things to ask me about. He wanted to know what I thought of Cedarbrook Farm for a location. He wanted to know about the raccoons and Esme. Whenever he thought I wasn't looking, I caught him checking his phone. When he asked me about where I'd run off to the night before, I decided it was time to go.

I hugged Rose and congratulated them both. As Emmett let me out the front door, Edward was climbing the steps of the porch. There were dark circles under his eyes, but he looked better than I would've wagered as he smiled, almost shyly, up at me.

"Hey, Bro. It's about time," Emmett said from the doorway.

Edward raised an eyebrow at him. "Your text said it was important." He quickly looked back at me, looked me up and down actually, in a concerned survey. "Is everything okay?" Then he spoke softer, only to me. "Are you okay Bella?"

Emmett slapped the doorframe and Edward and I both looked at him. "Everything's great. Gonna marry Rose. Thanks for coming. Gotta go." And with that he shut the door, leaving Edward and I open mouthed and alone on the porch.

The night air swirled around us, probably cold, but I could sense nothing beyond the man standing near me.

He was there. He could have been so many places. He had been so many other places for so long.

"I thought you'd be asleep somewhere," I said after a beat.

"I was, for a while." I heard him step closer to me. I realized I'd been looking at my shoes, so I looked up at him. He ran a hand through his hair and glanced out over the yard.

"Until Emmett asked you to come?"

He stepped closer still. His look was searching; he barely blinked. "Emmett only contacted me about an hour ago."

_Why would he_…_unless…me…_

"Then how… how are you here so quickly?"

Before he could answer, I scuffed across the painted wooden planks of the porch, closing the distance between us as much as I dared. This was the simplest of tasks; this I could manage, for me, for him. He could have easily taken my hand if I moved at all.

I saw his eyes move down to where we nearly touched. The fingers of his hand flexed and pulled back fractionally. "I was already on my way back."

He breathed a deep breath and seemed to steady himself. "Bella, I know we said that we wouldn't see each other for a while, but I hope you don't consider that a promise." His hand brushed against mine. "Because I won't ever break a promise to you."

Shoving aside all the familiar protective layers of doubt and fear, some frighteningly real and others even more terrifying because I'd had to finally admit they were imagined, I moved my hand to entwine with his. His mouth opened and I noticed his chest rise as he took in a long breath. Then, keeping our hands and forearms together, he raised our mutual clasp up, and slowly, individually, brought each of my knuckles to his lips.

He pulled our hands to his chest and leaned over to lay his forehead against mine. "If you still think we shouldn't see each other, then we better close our eyes. I'm not going anywhere."


	12. Chapter 12 Anemone & Aster

**A/N: **Thank you for the lovely reviews on the last chapter. It was great to know how well it was received.

Fics for Nashville: I've completed the piece I'm donating to the Nashville effort. It's called "Hold My Peace" and is a o/s in EPOV of an alternate "what if" world where Edward actually interrupts Bella's wedding (if you recall, she saw his car outside the church in her chapter 10 flashback.) I wrote it as a standalone piece, so people who aren't reading the story could still enjoy it. btw - it contains both HEA & lemon. A teaser is in the end notes.

Here is a link about the Fics for Nashville: community dot livejournal dot com /ficsfornash/474 dot html

…**.**

_From the last chapter:_

_Shoving aside all the familiar protective layers of doubt and fear, some frighteningly real and others even more terrifying because I'd had to finally admit they were imagined, I moved my hand to entwine with his. His mouth opened and I noticed his chest rise as he took in a long breath. Then, keeping our hands and forearms together, he raised our mutual clasp up, and slowly, individually, brought each of my knuckles to his lips. _

_ He pulled our hands to his chest and leaned over to lay his forehead against mine. "If you still think we shouldn't see each other, then we better close our eyes. I'm not going anywhere." _

Chapter 12: Anemone & Aster:

We stood outside Rose's house for an untold amount of time. My face against his chest, rising and falling along with each breath, our hands still laced between us. The arm he had around me alternated between pressing us in an embrace and his hand tracing light circles on my lower back.

My head had been tucked under his chin for most of the time we stood there and when he finally spoke, the cadence of his words echoed around inside my chest, soft tremors along my ribs. "We should probably get going."

I nodded in agreement, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath the fabric of his shirt and indulged myself in a few more stolen seconds surrounded by him. When we finally moved apart, he tightened his hold on my hand, as if hedging his bet. The old wooden boards moaned under our feet as we began to leave.

"When, um," I said, and had to clear my throat from disuse, "when will I see you again?"

He stopped mid-stride. Reasserting the hold he had on my hand, he looked out into the night.

"Bella, maybe you misunderstand me," he said softly.

He took a moment to breathe and looked as though he were gathering up thoughts. "I really don't want to be away from you. It's been a long wait…and I just got here. I have no intention of walking off this porch and turning our separate ways." Then, his gaze still cast across the yard, I heard him swallow audibly. "Unless that's what you, truly, want."

_What I truly want…_

It was my turn to piece together my feelings. I'd forever thought about him differently, more conceptually, more than merely as the hot guy who'd been the only one to make me weak-kneed, thrilled me with his touch and attention. In school, I'd liked him despite his reputation, cared about him because he deserved it though his humor, secretly cherished his protectiveness of me even when I wasn't aware of the need.

I'd wanted to be with the person who he'd shown himself to be ever since he was elbow deep in dishwater.

If I could set aside the infamous time we'd slept together, I could easily imagine myself spending nights with him now. Nights with him…and whatever would happen could happen naturally, welcome and unencumbered. I would trust myself to know where the lines were drawn on my limits and I could cross them or not without questioning the wisdom of it later.

As it is was, I couldn't simply set that night aside and I didn't know where that line was at all; there might not be a limit…or I might be at the edge already.

Some people bring baggage to a relationship; we have a full, matching set of Samsonite luggage.

"Edward," I said, and, at the sound of his name, he shifted to look directly at me. I shivered. "I think I'm scared."

His neck craned in surprise. "Of me?"

"And me."

"Oh."

He squeezed his eyes shut as if he was trying to distance himself from what he was about to say. "What is it you think I'm asking of you?"

_Well, that sure is a good question. Probably not what I'm focused on. _

_The man is exhausted and I'm thinking with my nether bits. _

When he opened his eyes, whatever look he'd seen come over my face – whether mortification or fear I did not know – caused him to lean back in toward me and stroke my cheek reassuringly. Like a kitten, I found myself turning further into his palm.

"Would you like to know what I was thinking about on my drive back tonight?"

I kept my face in his hand but looked up, encouraging him to continue.

"All I could think about was that I wanted to get back here. To you." He ran the pad of his thumb along my temple. "I can't mess this up. I won't.

"We both know that I'm not coming to you with the best track record, but I'd like to think I've learned from my mistakes. And I don't plan to repeat them."

I brought my free hand up to touch the one he had on my face, then turned in to press my lips to his palm. After a few moments I heard myself speak. "Let's go get you some to sleep."

I don't know what possessed me to dive in like I had and offer to stay the night together.

Maybe, I should've been proceeding with more caution.

Surely, it was an activity for a more developed relationship.

Definitely, I had no more desire to have him drive away into the night than he seemed to have himself.

Edward followed me to my house. He'd brought back a bag of things from Tanya's – a detail upon which I was choosing not to focus – so he had pajama pants with him. Bright side: He'd slept in pajamas when he was around her. So, with me, he wouldn't be sleeping in his underwear.

Which, I could admit, was something of a blessing and a curse.

While Edward showered, I tried to keep myself busy. I dressed back into the most reserved sleepwear I owned, the rose pjs, and I picked out clothes for work the next day. I started to set the alarm but decided to ask him when he needed to get up in case it was earlier than my usual time. I fidgeted with the pillows and blankets until they were so smooth they looked as if I'd ironed them. Then, realizing that made the bed look both persnickety and unwelcoming, I rumpled them back up a bit and turned down the comforter. Afterward, I put it back because it looked like I was trying too hard.

Which I was, but I didn't really want to advertise it.

I was in the process of moving throw pillows from the bed to my reading chair when I heard Edward enter the room, his bare feet sounding strangely comforting to me as he padded across the floor.

"Hey you." His voice was low and weighted, as if he could barely function. When I looked back at him, his eyes were heavy-lidded and, even though he was mostly covered in pants and a white t-shirt, I could tell he was at least a shade paler than normal.

"God, Edward. You look awful."

"Thanks," he said, and laughed a bit as he ran two long fingers along the bedding, inspecting it longingly.

_He's waiting for me to tell him that it's okay. Waiting for an invitation._

I walked over to the bed and pulled back the covers, patting the flat sheet beneath twice. He lifted the thick blankets up and slid in, first his hips, then knees, then his shoulders hit the pillow and he pulled his feet under. He was mostly on his back, eyes already shut, but angled in toward the middle of the bed.

The light was still on, and though I was certain he would have no problem sleeping with it glaring in his eyes, I headed to the door to turn it off.

"Are you leaving?" His voice was almost slurred. When I looked back he was still in the same position, eyes still close. All the energy he had seemed to have been dedicated to those few words.

"Just getting the light," I said. I looked back at him, still beautiful, still motionless on the bed, as if he'd pricked his finger on a spinning wheel.

But, I wasn't just getting the light. Or, at least, I hadn't been. I was going to leave the room. I'd slept earlier and supposed I'd spend some time doing…whatever. I really didn't have a plan.

He was there, in my bed. Mostly asleep, but present nonetheless.

He was here, in my life. Clearly imperfect, but sincere nonetheless.

"Edward," I whispered, and turned back to him. He hummed an acknowledgement as I switched off the light. "When do you need to wake up?"

He mumbled something and turned into the pillow. I stepped toward him while my eyes adjusted to the darkness, walking until my legs bumped the mattress.

He was on the far side of the bed, nearest the window. The muted light from the street spilled into the room, along the bed, and across the contours of his face. His eyes were still shut.

I saw myself reach out over the empty expanse of bed to where he lay. His eyes fluttered open just as my fingertips made contact with the skin near his temple. A warm hand wound up from under the blanket and held me in place there.

Then, a small pressure on my wrist, a slight encouragement, a pull, and I let myself crawl in beside him. I lay down on my side, facing him. He was looking at me silently, his eyes barely illuminated by the moonlight, a point of light catching in their corners.

"Alarm?" I whispered. He seemed so peaceful.

"I set my phone." Late night stubble grazed along my palm as he spoke.

Though he seemed so exhausted I wouldn't have been surprised to see him remain in that exact position until morning, he shifted. Rising up slightly off the bed, he slid his arm closest to me out and stretched it along under my shoulder and down onto my back. The bend along his body called out to me.

I moved in, but noticed as I placed my head on his chest that he had looked away from me and was looking at his outstretched arm, studying it.

Then he closed his arms around me.

_Around me._ _And I feel safe. _

_And warm._

_And, though this is my own house, my own bed, I feel more home than ever. _

"Edward?" I said, my head resting against his chest.

"Yes?"

"What were you thinking just now?"

He shifted a bit and his voice came out hoarse. "It probably wouldn't make sense. It's…well, a weird thing to be thinking of."

_Oh god, is he thinking about Tanya? This is too fresh. I've jumped in too early._

I turned my face up to look at him, fearing that I would see some distant look when I get there. Instead, he used his arms to pull me closer to him until his lips kiss my forehead. I remained silent, no longer sure if I wanted an answer.

"I was thinking that I've never held anyone like this except for you…that one time."

I was taken aback.

How does one get to a point in their life where they have been engaged and have a child and never, well, snuggle? I had so many questions swirling around in my head that by the time one formed into a sentence Edward's breathing had evened out. Keeping my body in place, I turned and rested my chin on his sternum. His hair was barely damp and already jutting out in every direction. I used my free hand to tuck a strand behind his ear. It popped back out almost immediately. I felt a smile come over me and smoothed the hair down again and again, repeatedly running my finger along the ridge of his ear and the thin skin behind it.

Before I knew it, my lids grew heavy and I faded away.

….

Readying ourselves for work went ridiculously smoothly in the morning. When I got to the kitchen, Edward was already making eggs. I put together sandwiches, one of which I gave to him when we head out the door. He looked at in for a moment with an expression I couldn't quite read, then kissed my cheek before he headed out.

At my desk, I plowed through most of the new product material and reworded a few internal memos long before lunch break. I'd begun to sort through emails when Rose's butt materialized on the edge of my desk.

"So?" Her eyebrow was cocked.

I keep clicking away with the mouse. "So what?"

Rose crossed her arms and huffed. "How'd it go with Edward last night?"

"Fine," I said, and sent an attachment to the printer. She continued to bore into me.

"You two sure were outside for a long time for it to only turn out 'fine.'"

"Were you spying on us?" I struggled to keep my voice low.

She leaned in. "It's not spying if I want to know when I can safely shut off my own porch light."

I shot her a look that should have said "Yeah, sure" and tried to go back to work. Rose was having none of it.

"Okay, be that way. You win," she said, then pulled around a spare chair. "What do you think of green and black?" Her face glowed.

"Think of Green and Black? Who are…Oh! Your wedding!" I abandoned my keyboard to give her my full attention. She beamed at me, looking more like a little girl with a new toy than I had ever seen her look before.

"Well, it's your day," I said. "But those sound nice. Have you talked to Alice?"

"No, not yet. I wanted a fighting chance to make some of my own decisions stick before I got Alice involved."

We both laughed at that and spent the next several minutes discussing details until our supervisor passed by my door, clearing his throat.

Rose got up to go and hugged me. "I'm so glad we're okay now."

"We're not. I'm still pissed." I hugged her back and snickered at the look of concern on her face. "No worries, Rose. We'll be okay."

My phone buzzed. It was a message from Edward.

**Thanks for lunch. Can I make you dinner? – E**

Rose looked at me expectantly.

"He's just thanking me for the sandwich."

"How'd he get a sandwich from…you slept together!"

"Yes, precisely. We slept."

"I swear Bella. It's impossible to get information out of you."

I ignored her and texted him back.

**Yes. But I'll help – B**

** Deal. Pick you up at 6? – E**

I texted back my agreement while Rose smiled and played with the hem of her blouse.

"Um, how okay are we?" Her voice sounded wary.

"What are you getting at Rose?"

"Are we okay enough that I can get you to wear that ring?"

What? What ring? She was the one getting married.

She must've seen the confusion on my face. "The shamrocks sort of inspired my color scheme. I was hoping you'd wear it. For me."

I gawked at her for a moment before I found my words. "If you love that gaudy thing so much, why don't you wear it?"

"My finger is busy that day," she said. "Please. For me."

"Fine," I huffed. "I'll wear it. For you."

….

At ten 'til six my doorbell rang. I slid on my shoes and tried to contain the wide grin I felt spreading across my face.

When I swung the door open, it was no longer a struggle to reign in my enthusiasm.

"Jasper," I said. "You do realize that most people call before they drop by."

He had one hand in his pocket and looked far less uncomfortable than I was hoping he would after I'd snapped at him.

"We need to talk." He spoke through his teeth, not exactly threatening, but plainly aggravated.

"I disagree. I think you want to talk at me, not with me." I shifted against the door and considered closing it. "And I don't have the time now."

"Yeah, I'm sure you have plans." He leaned on the last word and looked down the road as Edward's car appeared. "I hope you're happy."

"Perhaps you should be more concerned with whether or not your friend is happy."

His jaw clenched and I nearly lost my nerve to stand my ground. Even with a homefield advantage, I didn't really want to get into with him. We both turned at the sound of a car in the drive.

"Edward has a weakness went it comes to you. I tried to tell you that before, but it didn't seem to matter." He gave the guy head nod as substitute wave to a rather puzzled looking Edward. Edward shut his door and headed up the sidewalk, his brow furrowed in apparent confusion.

"Are you at least going to tell him?" Jasper enunciated every word.

Edward was now on the bottom step. "Tell me what?"

_What does he want me to tell him? How I feel? What I need? That everything is going to be fine?_

_I don't even know that I know these things myself. Also, I'm rather inclined not to do much of anything Jasper wants me to do, even if it is to eat a piece of miracle, fat-burning cheesecake. _

"Tell me what?" Edward said, and began up the stairs.

Jasper looked at me expectantly, and when I'm sure he was greeted with a look of confusion on my part rather than the response he wanted, he sighed.

"About the other guy she's seeing."

….

**END NOTE:** OK – I've gotten several concerned questions that perhaps I had skipped a chapter or something. You may recall Jasper's last appearance. Bella tried to hand him James's (clearly male) jacket & he looks at really suspiciously.

Please review :)

And, after that lovely chapter ending, here is something completely different:

Hold My Peace

I'd kissed the bride.

Once.

But, she wasn't mine then, and she isn't mine now. She is about to become about as far away from being mine as she can get.

...

She'll hate you for ruining her wedding day. This isn't a movie. You can't dramatically bust in at the end and interrupt the vows."

Still on the floor, I turn to face Jasper and whatever he sees in my face - be it sorrow or fury at this point I do not know - causes him to step back. My voice is a rasp. "And what usually happens in those movies?"

...

I can hear the pastor saying something, but I'm not listening to the words. It doesn't seem like she is either; she's fidgeting with the long sleeve of her dress. She looks to the side and it's like looking at a statue. She's blank, devoid of all emotion. I'm practically vibrating.

I know there is a predestinated moment in these events where displeased folk are passive-aggressively bid to sign off on the couple through silence. I know it's not due yet, but I can wait no longer. I close my hands in a fist around the handle of each door and swing them both to the side and find myself stopping only when I'm several feet up the aisle.


	13. Chapter 13 Marigold Mining

**A/N: ** I'm about a week behind in posting, but I do have the best of excuses. I went to the Eclipse con in LA last week! If anyone is interested in the pictures I took, please just message me or mention it in a review & I'll send you the link. I've changed my profile pic to one of the photos if you'd like a preview.

**Chapter 13 - Marigold Mining**

The foot that Edward had placed on the top step moved down to a lower one. He stood there, straight and vacant, the only evidence of his state being a hand that hovered, hesitating, over the rail before pulling back to his side. His eyes darted to Jasper then locked onto mine.

A tension pulled along my thighs; it felt as though my body had prepared itself to follow if he ran. That was a mortifying thought. What was I going to do? Run screaming across the grass in pursuit of him all the while wailing to everyone within earshot that I've been participating in a hymen regrowth experiment?

_Yeah, I just might._

The silence was not extended, but it was apparently not what Jasper had come here for. He'd come for blood. He looked back and forth between where Edward was and where I clung to the door frame and then gave another exasperated sigh.

"Bella, just tell him. It's the least you can do." He continued to stand between us.

My fingers slid along the wooden door frame, the aged polish I'd never noticed before slowing their path as some wedged under my short nails. "I guess you're talking about Jake," I said, and watched the green eyes that were still locked with my own widen slightly.

It wasn't hard for me to figure out to whom Jasper was referring. Ironically, but for that solitary date, I'd have had nothing to confess in years. Not that there was anything to confess. It was inconsequential. _Actually, the word "inconsequential" is longer than that relationship._

Further, should it really matter if circumstances were different and I had actually been seeing someone else? Wasn't I entitled to pursue other avenues? Hadn't I pined long enough?

I forced myself to look at Jasper. "I don't think that a single date counts as 'seeing' someone. Besides, the man liv…"

"Bella doesn't have to explain anything." Edward's voice sounded out, weighted and low. I'd never heard him speak with such…menace.

"C'mon man," Jasper said, and pitched his head back as if he was repeating something he'd said many times. "You gave up everything. At least find out where you stand with her."

"I didn't…" I began to talk but Jasper cut me off.

"You seemed pretty sure the guy was dropping by the other day when you tried to give me his clothes."

"Clothes!" He'd actually surprised me enough with that remark that I couldn't stop the outburst. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"That disgusting jacket you tried to give me last time I was here."

"What? That's not even his."

"Last time you were here?"

Edward and I spoke at the same time.

Jasper threw his head back and laughed as though he'd just struck vein of gold. It wouldn't have been surprising to hear him twang out a Eureka. I must've looked like I had a revolving door of gentleman callers. Nasty-ass jacket wearers and stay-over-on-the-first-date gentleman callers.

"I said, she doesn't have to explain anything. To anyone." Edward backed down another step, his eyes still on me, something flashing in their depths.

It was like it was a movie. Where moments earlier I'd been ready to run after him, it had become all I could do to remain upright. I watched it go down, fall apart, in front of me. I could almost hear the old film strip flipping around loosely as it spun free of an old AV projector reel.

Part of me thought I should say something in my defense. Another part of me was indignant; I'd done nothing to warrant any of it.

I'd done nothing.

As usual.

"Jasper," Edward said, and backed down the final two steps. "Come with me."

Without a glance back in my direction, Jasper turned on his boot heels and descended the stairs. As his friend passed him Edward continued to look at me, now with a pained expression.

I'd done nothing.

I was doing nothing even as Edward walked away.

_And this is why he keeps slipping away from me._

The shadows in my entry swallowed me. I had shut the door most of the way when I was surprised to see the men stop in the middle of the sidewalk. I could've move, and I couldn't look away.

"Why are you doing this?" They faced one another on the path. Edward looked as though he strained to keep his hands in his pockets, Jasper like he had a board strapped to his spine.

"Why are you?" Jasper countered. "You gave up everything."

"'Everything?' How can you, of all people, say that?" I knew whatever he did or said, it wasn't about Seth; he wouldn't let anything happen to keep them apart.

Jasper sighed so heavily I could hear the air gush from my distant vantage point. "I am exactly the person of all people to say that, because I'm the only one who has been there. Who was there when you majored in Bella? Killing yourself every night reading crap you never gave as shit about before – that you probably only made yourself think she did – in some pathetic attempt to feel connected? Auditing countless English courses. Practically holding a vigil every night for years? Moving back here? Keeping yourself away from everything? From people were actually there, wanting to care about you? Did it escape your attention that she didn't exactly feel the same way? You always have blinders on when it comes to her."

I felt the hardwood floorboard on my hands before I realized I'd sat down. A pair of boots near the door toppled in my wake.

"Oh, so now I suppose you're going to make me see by harassing her?"

"Harassing her?" Jasper took a step backward, his boot heels sinking into the earth. Then he spoke lower. Edward replied quietly as well.

They continued their hushed exchange and it might've seemed to another observer that the pair could've been discussing a ballgame but for the increasing redness of the faces. I thought maybe I should feel guilty about watching them, but I knew they were talking about me, so the guilt didn't come. Eventually, Edward jerked his head in the direction of Jasper's car. Jasper squinted and shook his own, then stalked away.

Edward's shoulders rounded forward as his friend walked to the parked truck. Jasper reached the truck bed and called out behind him. "I've watched you live…or not really live forever. You've suffered. You were so close to having it all." He flung the truck door open. "When does this end with you?"

Edward just continued to look at a crack in the sidewalk. "Never. Hopefully."

Jasper's truck started up and I heard him tear down the road. Edward still stood on the sidewalk, hands in his pockets, talking deep breaths.

Was this how it was going to be? I'd feared what people would think, then it seemed as though it wouldn't matter. Truthfully, I'd already decided it didn't matter to me. Jasper and his opinion didn't matter to me. But – and my lungs sagged with the thought – he did matter to Edward. And Edward – he mattered in the biggest way.

"Bella?" The door swung into my knee and I yelped and I looked up to see Edward peering around at eye level if I were standing. He dropped down and pressed his hand over where the door had hit me. "Sorry." He rubbed little circles on my knee, taking way more care than the bump really called for and moved some hair I hadn't realized was in my face out of the way. "Bella, why are you on the floor?"

"I don't know." I shrugged half-heartedly, then signed out a nearly silent admission. "Watching." What the hell had he just done? His lifelong friend had made a claim about me and Edward had sent him packing. For me. No questions asked.

Had I done anything to warrant that? Would I have done that same? The memory of that long ago Career Day and my failure to defend him when Jessica had said he wanted to be a pharmacist came unbidden to my mind. My jaw began to quiver.

He ran his hand along my face and stilled my shaking with his thumb. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I didn't deserve that," I said. I already knew we were talking about different things.

He was still on his knees in front of me, his long fingers continued to run smooth and soothing through my hair. He nodded and pulled me into his chest and wrapped an arm around me. I hesitated, but stole my arms around him in return. "He's just thinks he's looking out for me. It's sort of always been his thing."

Look out for him? I wanted to ask why Jasper thought he had to protect Edward from me. Or, I wanted to have to ask. But, I didn't need to. I knew the answer.

Did he really do all those things? Read things and take classes just because he believed they mattered to me? Disengage from life, generally?

I've spent years thinking that I'd let my feelings for him compromise my life, my experiences; it seemed he'd done the same...and more. Different.

Is that possible? I've been in misery. How has it been for him?

I kept looking down at his bent legs, the denim stretched around his thighs. I studied fabric grain. I looked down, because I felt unworthy to look up.

"Did you really do those things?" I swallowed back a lump. "The reading and the…everything?"

I'm not sure what Edward thought I might've have meant when I'd said I'd been listening to the two of them, but he sounded surprised that I'd noticed that detail. Or, at least, that I was questioning it. His hand stilled around the end of a lock of my hair. "Yes, um…I did."

In that moment, I knew the truth of what I'd dared dream about. I couldn't deny it.

Edward cared about me. Deeply.

An uncomfortable, foreign feeling unfurled in my chest. Logically, I should be rejoicing…but how could I? He'd, somewhat needlessly, jeopardized something so precious to him, his best friend, on my account.

How long had we been silent? Him thinking he was comforting me about the confrontation with Jasper, while I had this acerbic epiphany. I moved enough to see his face. He was looking at me with such concern, like he was accessing my injuries. Injuries which I had, but not the ones he thought. My hand rose up to cover, maybe finally protect, his heart.

My god, Edward." My face was pressed into his chest. For entirely different reasons than usual, I felt like I didn't deserve to be there, but I couldn't be selfless enough to move away.

"Edward, what have I done?"

He looked understandably confused. Perhaps he thought I was about to tell him I truly was seeing someone else. I managed, miraculously, not confuse him further by laughing at my own errant thoughts.

"I'm going to make this up to you," I said, rising more and tracing a flat hand line from his heart along his neck and up to under his temple. His breath shuddered. "I'm not seeing anyone."

"Bella, you don't have to explain-"

"Shh." My lips found the corner of his eye and brushed as softly as I could make myself. "There is nothing I don't want to share with you." With my cheek aligned with his, the warmth radiating across my skin, I heard him swallow as he nodded softly in understanding.

Then, I rose up and brought him along with me. I wanted so much to stay right where we were, but things couldn't be left the way they were. "So, Edward, are you starving? Or can I go do something before dinner?"

Edward had no problem waiting and looking on curiously as I took out my phone and, on a hunch, called Alice. She picked up on the first ring.

"Hi Bella, I was just about to call you. Do you have any idea what's going on?"

I looked up at Edward and wondered if he could hear the tension in Alice's voice the phone. "Well, I might." I tried to keep my voice light.

"So, you _might_ have some idea why Jasper suddenly appeared over here muttering to himself and playing basketball in my driveway? It's disturbing. I'd never realized there was a hoop out there. I don't even know where he found a ball."

I looked over at Edward and he raised an eyebrow as if he were asking if everything was okay. I gave a short shake of my head. "Yeah, I might know something about that." I hadn't meant to but I did look back at Edward again and this time he clearly knew something was up. He leaned back on the front door, legs crossed and looking around as he waited.

"Well, do you have a suggestion on how to proceed here? I mean, I'm at a loss. But, oh!" There was a commotion on her end of the line as if she'd nearly dropped the phone. "Sorry, ball bounced off the window. What was I…? What should I do?"

"Do you think I should talk to him?" As I spoke, Edward's eyes swung over to mine.

"Would that help? Could you? He's not really talking, but I heard him say something about Edward…that's why I was thinking about calling you."

"I'll be right there," I said, and watched Edward, his brow knitted in disturbed confusion.

"Thanks and – oh, hurry!" I heard a clear crash in the background. "He's really sucks at basketball."

I hung up and took a deep breath, preparing to tell Edward that I needed to go to Alice's so I could confront his confrontational friend. The breath was unnecessary.

"Why would you agree to talk to Jasper?"

"Because it's important."

"What am I missing here? When did Jasper become important to you?"

"He's not," I said. _And I'll wager he never will be._ "But, he's important to you."

"Time with you is important to me." He moved ever closer to me and took my hand in his.

I felt my cheeks warm. "For me, too. So, I want to make the most of that time. I don't want you to be worried about your friendship – or anything – when we're together. Not if I can help it."

"And you have it in your head that you're the one to fix this?" He smiled at me then leaned in and kissed my forehead. "Far be it from me to question you. Let's go." Then he took the bag I'd packed and slung it over his shoulder as we left.

If I'd questioned the wisdom of trying to talk with Jasper about the situation, the ease with which Edward accepted the suggestion would've erased any doubts. I honestly didn't know if he was going along with my wild hare because he wanted things smoothed over with Jasper or if he was afraid denying me would ruffle things between us. In the end, it didn't matter.

We arrived at Alice's in no time. Jasper, shirtless and redder than could be blamed on the overcast, setting sun, was stomping about Alice's driveway. His hand slapped the roughed orange ball with too much force against the pavement. Edward looked at me warily. I gave him a fist pump of solidarity and he seemed rather amused and resigned as he headed into the house.

I wanted to have some privacy to discuss things with Jasper, to at least let him know that I had the best of intentions with his friend. I steeled myself as I walked down the drive and began reciting the things I planned to say to him in my head.

As seemed to so often be the case, Jasper beat me to the punch.

"There is no way that anyone can be worth what he's gone through for you," he said, pounding the ball on the ground, not bothering to look behind him.

"You're right. I've never claimed to be worth it." He abruptly quit dribbling and turned to me as I spoke. _Oh, look at that. He's falling for it. Nothing throws a man off like when you make them think you agree with them during an argument. Now, stand by as I pull the rug out from under you…_

"Alice said you assumed I was the one to do the leaving two years ago, when nothing could be further from the truth. But learning otherwise doesn't seem to have changed your opinion of me."

Jasper held the ball between his hip and wrist and took a few steps toward me. When he spoke, his voice was quieter, as if he didn't really want to be overheard. "It's not as simple as that, now is it? Your impact on Edward's life stretched far beyond one weekend a couple of years ago. And you know it."

"He made decisions, for whatever reason, not to be with me. I had no idea that he cared one way or the other about me."

"Then you're dense as Hell."

"Probably."

"How could you miss something like that? Working, washing dishes just to be around you. Making sure he walked you to your truck all the time." He hurled the ball into the garage and it clanged around noisily. "Don't get me started on the insanity of college.

"Try this on Bella: ask me a question about you. Go on. Anything."

I glanced up at the house and thought I saw the curtain move. I really didn't know what to say to Jasper; this wasn't how I pictured our discussion going. I thought I'd be explaining myself to him, but not like this. Not twenty questions. I probably looked like a fish, gaping at him wordlessly.

"Fine," he said. "I'll start. What did Bella wear to prom? Midnight blue tiered dress. My date? No idea. I don't even know what I wore. But your half of your prom picture was on Edward's wall since we were kids. What's Bella's major? English Literature. Mother's name? Renee. I didn't even know Alice's until yesterday. Did you know he nearly crashed your wedding? Oh, yeah, and your anniversary is Dec-"

"Enough," I said, and held a hand up. "I'll take my lumps gladly, but that's not all my fault. He chose not to be with me. He chose her." Again and again it seemed. I looked back up at the house and felt a ribbon of uncertainty ripple though me. How could all these things mean he cared when he chose her over me?

Then, I looked at the man in front of me, his eyes glaring behind his calmed exterior. Who was he to question me, to make me doubt myself at this point? I hadn't realized how certain I'd been, how calm and complete I'd felt, how in-the-moment I'd been since Edward had shown back up in my life. That thin ribbon highlighted the difference. Nothing had ever been clearer to me.

"Jasper, you speak of deserving, and I can tell you that I've wanted nothing more, now or ever to deserve him. I've never thought I did, for one reason or another, but by some miracle he seems to want to give me the chance.

"I'm not interested in doing the deserving dance with you; I know I don't. Thing is, he probably doesn't deserve me either, because, me? Inside, I'm pretty kick-ass." A quick glance over to the window showed the curtain still motionless within the frame.

"If you'd been interested enough to check in with me, I could've produced proof enough of a broken heart even for you," I practically spat.

Jasper, with his hands jammed down his pants pockets and head tilted to the side, appeared to be regarding me with a cautious difference. I considered this a small victory.

My feelings for Edward were not an albatross around my neck. And, whatever the past, I was not going to let anyone convince Edward's for me were either.

"Do you really think you care about him anything close to how he cares about you?" As he spoke, Jasper began looking around the yard until he spotted his shirt.

"You said I'm not worth it. I agreed. But, I will do everything I can for as long as I can to be. If there was anything that has been missing in my life, it has been the whole life. Edward was missing. And I've long ago let him be my life. Try as I might otherwise, he always has been."

"I can't believe I'm going to say this," Jasper said, and finished pulling his shirt over his head. "I hope you're right."

"So, that's not exactly a blessing, is it?"

"No, not really, but I'm out of it. Frankly, I'm tired of it."

"So be it." I straightened myself more and smoothed the front of my shirt. "Now, Jasper, let me just say that if your bah-humbuggery so much as diminishes the peaceful joy on Edward's face down to a level of mere blissful contentment, you will have to answer to me. And they will be painful answers. Multi-part essay and long-division without scratch paper answers."

_To put in guy terms: If you're fool enough to get in my way again, I will fuck you up._

He seemed to smile a bit in spite of himself at my remark and headed toward the garage. I turned to go into the house and was surprised to see Edward already on the porch. I wondered how long he had been there.

"I think I need to see him before we leave." He watched his friend rummage around in the garage. I went on inside to Alice.

I hadn't visited Alice many times since she moved back to town, but everything was different inside.

"Did you rearrange the furniture?"

"Yes, I had to!" She sounded positively giddy about it. "I had to make room!"

I was at the window, the same one I'd seen the curtains moving in earlier. I looked out to see Edward and Jasper speaking with the basketball now back on Jasper's hip. "Room for what?"

I could hear Alice clap her hands together behind me. "Jasper's stuff – he's moving in."

_What?_

"What?"

"I know, I know," she said. "It's quick, but it feels right, you know? And, well, it doesn't make sense for him to renew a lease if he's going to be here all the time and this place is way too big for only me – even with some rooms dedicated to the business. And, well, isn't it just amazing that everything is finally coming together?" She showed me around where everything would go, as if I had any idea what Jasper's things were or what they looked like. But, she was excited. When I left the bedroom, she was already in the kitchen and sounded as though she were filling cups.

"Alice, can I ask you something?" I followed the sound of ice clinking into glass.

"Uh, hmm," she hummed and popped another cube into a glass so that all the ice was level.

"What on earth do you see in that guy?"

In a flash, Alice turned to me. "What do you me?" She still sounded mostly cheerful.

"Well, he's rude and condescending and clearly hates me. Plus, he's had problems-"

"That was the past, Bella. A one-time thing," she said, now with her hands folded.

"You're right. I shouldn't have said that. But, the other stuff, I just don't see the appeal."

Wordlessly, she handed me a pair of glasses filled with water and lead me outside. Alice did her usual skip-walk down the stairs into the yard. The hollow bang of the ball bouncing sounded around the corner. I wasn't sure if I should've mentioned my misgivings about Alice's choice to her. I wanted to be upfront with my friend, but also I woul-

_Sweet merciful giver of all that is gah – Edward is shirtless. _

_Shirtless and sweaty and running and, oh my god, the hair at the back of his head is wet and darker and clinging to his neck. _I watched a rivulet of sweat travel the contours of his back. _I've never actually seen his back before. I've looked at it through a wet t-shirt before – which is nothing to complain about. I've felt it…one time. But, how does that even compare? I could look at this all - holy shit! _Edward turned around and, hopefully, he was walking toward me, because we were getting closer and my feet weren't moving. _His bare chest is getting closer to me and the English language is rapidly deleting itself from my brain._

"Is that for me?" The effect of the smile on his face traveled to already enthralled parts of my body.

I wanted to say something, but I all could manage was to hold the cup out toward him.

He downed it and I put forth great, great effort to look away from his throat or chest as he swallowed.

"Are you ready Bella?"

_Hell yeah I'm ready._

_Er, um…oh my god, even my thoughts are stuttering._

"Yes," I said, clearing my throat and hoping that worked for my head as well.

….

Edward was back to being quiet on the drive to his house. It wasn't especially uncomfortable, I just didn't really know how far under the surface more serious discussions waited and I wasn't anxious to unearth them yet. I spent a good deal of time fidgeting with the small bag I'd brought along. It looked like a large purse, but I'd stuffed clothes for work and a few essentials inside. When I'd packed it, I wasn't sure if staying the night together last night was a onetime thing and I didn't wasn't to look presumptuous. I still wasn't entirely sure where we stood, but I was prepared to stay.

Looking over at him, his eyes practically glowing from the dash lights as he guided us down the road, I knew I was not at all prepared to go back home.

"Is this just dinner…or am I…well, are you driving me back home tonight?"

"Do you want to go home?"

I cleared my throat and looked at the trees go by. "Not really."

"Then you're staying." He spoke with some conviction, but then managed to look a bit sheepish before he briefly turned his head to the side window.

He glanced from the road to the bag in my lap. "Do you need to go back for anything?"

"Um, no." I played with the strap and Edward smiled softly, no doubt concluding that I'd thought about the possibility.

….

It had gotten late enough that making an involved dinner no longer made sense. We settled for soup and a quick salad.

"You really didn't have to talk with Jasper," he said as we cleared our plates.

"Yes, I did." And I knew I did, for him. I was beginning to finally understand, to accept there was something real happening. Something real, for perhaps the first time in my life.

Tonight, a warning rifle shot by his closer-than-a-brother friend had been fired. He'd meant to scare, but misjudged the elements, like me, maybe like everyone. It didn't warn; it started an avalanche. There were no doubts left here, they were swept away.

Because, despite my long held belief that I suffered for the depth of care I felt for the man beside me, I'd fallen short. True, he'd made ridiculous mistakes and misjudged my feelings. But, that did not change the cold fact: He'd cared more. And better. Edward had cared with purpose and direction and tethered pain. He held fast and I slipped down. It didn't matter that there'd been another person involved. I had done the same, and knew how very little difference the presence of another could make.

I'd distracted myself from him with books and school and periods of obsession with all manner of things. I'd voluntarily withdrawn into myself. He'd done just the opposite.

And it should have been a celebration, a relief, a barrel of rum finding me in the freeze.

It should've been…because, we should've always been.

Edward cared about me. But, he had cared better.

He'd dived in. I'd jumped out of the way.

And, just like the cold pin-pricks of bitter, packed snow, the truth hurt.

It stung.

…

While Edward showered, I stood at the same oversized window I'd looked out the last time, the only time, I'd stayed at Edward's house.

Chartreuse beacons of fireflies pulsed throughout the yard.

I didn't realize he'd come up behind me until his warm arms wrapped around my waist from behind. I suppose he'd been there, but I hadn't noticed.

"He said you gave up everything," I said, not looking away from the lightshow.

Softly, he leaned in and whispered.

"If I give you up, then it's everything."

I turned to face him. He was right here in front of me, hands on my waist, arms bumping against my own, so near me, but only in this way were we level. He'd always been beyond my grasp. Too beautiful. Too outgoing. Too fun. Too…alive. To learn that, in a way, I'd robbed him of that, changed him, unmade the man, somehow, someway through whatever bad choices had lead us here. I'd not shown him. I'd not spoken up. I'd not been bothered to encourage. I'd fallen shy in school, and I'd done no better since.

_I've just never let 'me' out before, but I know, now, with him I can do this. His mere presence does that for me. I'm stronger around him. I'm me. Present and accounted for. Willful and strong. Passionate and right. The reasoning of why he is who I am for is of no importance. _

Those mysterious places in the heart will open their chambers only for so long and to so few.

"I want you to know." I leaned in and placed a kiss in front of his ear. _I can do this. I can put myself out there. He…we deserve this. _"Everything."

I spoke, he listened. His still-damp skin nearly hot against my own. "Just so you know," I breathed, and moved nearer still, leaving no room for pride. "The last man that touched me was you."

A low gasp, boarding on rumble, rushed past me and suddenly his hands were twisted in my hair, drawing me back, pulling my gaze to meet darkened eyes. His focus darted from mouth to my eyes and back again.

"Why would you tell me that?" He whispered, and loosed his grip on my hair, looking a bit mortified by the need to do so. "Can you even begin to understand…what that does?"

I must have shaken my head because a smile pulled at his mouth and he sat back further. "It's a dangerous effect." Then he said something low under his breath about too fragile and too sweet.

There was a quake along my limbs, my body reacting to the tenor of his response. I hadn't thought about how he would take what I said, but if I had, I wouldn't have predicted something so…primal. The birthday kiss had seemed tentative, if I were to classify it. Our night together: restrained, or reverent for my part.

Those things were wonderful, precious.

This was different.

And I wanted to it happen again.

**END NOTE: ** Please review.

Coming Soon: Chapter 14 – New & Improved…now with more lemon.

Again, if you'd like to see the pictures from the convention, just let me know.


	14. Chapter 14 Lavender & Moonlight

**A/N:** Thank you to those of you who sent me the PMs and emails wishing me well. Things look much better & I plan on staying far away from the hospital for quite some time. I'm touched by your concern.

Okay, so here we are at long last. I hope you enjoy.

Thank you for reading. As always, please review.

Special thanks to redsock for stepping up when I needed her & to Melee03 for really getting me.

I own nothing Twilight-related. Anything recognizable as Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

….

**Chapter 14 – Lavender and Moonlight **

From previous chapter:

"_I want you to know." I placed a kiss in front of his ear. I can do this. I can put myself out there. "Everything." _

_I spoke, he listened. His skin, so warm against mine. "Just so you know," I breathed, and move nearer, leaving no room for pride. "The last man that touched me was you." _

_A low gasp, boarding on rumble rushed past me and suddenly his hands were twisted in my hair, drawing me back, pulling my gaze to meet his dark eyes. His focus darted from mouth to my eyes and back again. _

"_Why would you tell me such a thing?" He whispered, and loosed his grip on my hair, looking a bit mortified by the need to do so. "Can you even begin to understand what that does?"_

_I must have shaken my head because a smiled pulled at his mouth and he sat back further. "It's a dangerous effect." _

_There was a quake along my limbs, my body reacting to the tenor of his response. I hadn't thought about how he would take what I said, but if I had, I wouldn't have predicted something so…primal. The birthday kiss had seemed tentative, if I were to classify it. Our night together: restrained, or reverent for my part. _

_Those things were wonderful, precious. _

_This was different. _

_And I wanted to it happen again._

…_.._

My hand ran up and along the planes of his face, trembling along the path. He leaned into my palm. I knew his eyes were fixed on me intently but I couldn't make myself look away from his mouth, his lips. His warm breath mixed with mine.

He was so beautiful, and though the term is over-used, his beauty was surreal. I ran the tip of my index finger along his jawline and then to the perfect imperfection where his nose sat slightly off-center. His eyes fluttered closed, his face the picture of contentment.

I wanted feel him, to kiss him. He was the man I'd been thinking about most of my life. It would be in keeping with my newly-founded assertiveness to just lean in and go for it. It would be, but I couldn't make myself do it for some reason. Well, for a particular reason: Rejection. Or, the fear thereof. Which was probably quiet irrational at this point. Surely, he wouldn't be here - again – if activities such as kissing were out-of-bounds.

But my mind would not shut off. I knew I was over-thinking everything.

_Now would be a great time to grab him and kiss him passionately. That's what I want to do. That's what Scarlett O'Hara would do. Or, maybe not. Did she ever get assertive? Well, I heard once Vivian Leigh didn't want to kiss Clark Gable. She complained he had bad breath. Her reserve comes across coy as on film. Do guys like coy? Rhett seemed to like it. What is coy anyway? Am I being coy now? Why am I thinking about this right now? Oh my god. Get a grip on yourself. The man of your dreams is leaning back and looking into your eyes and you are debating the outdated flirtation techniques of period piece cinema._

I drew in a long breath to try and calm myself. The problem was, I wasn't calm yet and the staccato intake of air highlighted that fact.

"Bella, I can hear the gears turning in your head."

_What is the objective goal of coy behavior? Is it sex? Because I'm thinking that just might be a goal at some point here. Yeah, it is. Sex is my goal. Really hot, make-him-forget-his-own- middle-name sex. _

_He can forget things, but I can't. I need to stay in control. I need to make sure I don't get so caught up in the moment and just lie there like I must have last time. _

Edward's eyes narrowed slightly and leaned back and away from the hand I had on his cheek.

"Bella, are you…are you shaking?" His whisper made the fine hairs of my cheek stand up.

My body answered him with a silent shudder that ended with a clench in my abdomen.

"N-no."

_Smooth._

He let out a fairly long sigh and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him and into a hug. The window we stood by gave off a faintly cool aura, but I was surrounded, cocooned on all sides in his warmth, his scent. He kissed the top of my hair and I felt him shake his head.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. I didn't mean to scare you."

_Scare me? _

I leaned back to look at him but kept my arms wrapped around his waist. He brought a hand up and raked his hair.

"You didn't." _You definitely, definitely didn't scare me. This ain't fear wracking my body here. _"I don't know why I overthink things. I want to be in the moment with you. I want to… want to be with you. I'm just…" I stammered and his features relaxed momentarily then transformed into contemplation, then concern. Just like me. That's what I was. "…concerned."

He shook his head softly. "How is that much different than scared?"

"I not sure I'm…enough," I mumbled, warring with myself between truly hoping he might not hear me and wanting to be honest with him. I fidgeted with the hem of my camisole.

"Bella, maybe I haven't treated you quite the way I should have." He brought his hand to my chin then tilted me up when I hadn't even realized I'd looked down. He held me there and looked into my eyes. I felt myself swallow against the slight pull he created along my throat.

"How can I be clear with you, to tell you what you need to know?" He twisted the thin strap of my top around his finger slowly, then smoothed it back down, creating tingling pinpoints where he touched my flesh.

"This is something I've done, this view you have of yourself…because I walked away before, isn't it?" He shook his head as if he couldn't believe what he'd done. "Do you feel less than… do you know that if I only held you forever it would be enough for me? Everything, anything more is, maybe, more than I deserve. I just want a chance to be with you…to keep you."

I made to open my mouth but my voice failed me because at that moment Edward turned his face to the ceiling. He blinked furiously, moisture painted his bottom lashes.

He kept his eyes fixed upward, suddenly unfocused and unblinking. "Tell me that what you felt before is still there, that what we had hasn't died. Because, I never felt like that before…other than you. I think I've never _felt_ other than with you.

"Are we starting over? At square one? Are we friends in transition or a couple reuniting?"

"What do you want us to be?" I asked. _We are whatever you want us to be._

"Is there even an 'us' already as far as you're concerned? Is there a 'we' or…Hell, I don't really know where I stand with you." His voice held a nervous tinge.

_How much detail is too much? How in this am I? _

_ I'm in all the way._

As ever. As always.

I ran my hands up through the hair at the base of his neck and turned him down to me.

"This should be easy. Natural. It's… us," I whispered against his lips. "You're here and I'm here…and we can only show each other the rest."

And was I done talking. Done thinking.

Done with everything but feeling.

Because there were no worthy words.

I pressed my mouth to his and, despite the smile I could feel forming on his lips, he pressed back, kissing me for what felt like the first time in forever.

This was our first of forever.

He breathed in deeply, never breaking our kiss, always in contact. The intake played along my skin, invisible feathers along my cheek.

It was as if my entire being existed only where we touched. I could not notice anything beyond the silk of his lips and the heated pulse wherever we touched. All was recollection and recall. Smooth and satin. He ran his tongue along my lower lip, then inside to touch the tip of my own, then slid further to skim its sides, tasting me as I tasted the sweet of him again.

Yet this was different somehow. His moves where tentative, more so than when we were together before, more so than when he'd kissed me on my birthday so long ago. This kiss carried the weight of known loss. Where he held my face was soft, but the hand on my back gripped me so tightly it nearly hurt, as if he thought I might evaporate. It was as though he was trying to remember and memorize me simultaneously. He seemed to want to catalog this moment - just in case. He was sharing with me that he was still afraid this would end, that we would end. With his kiss told me that he was a worried as I was, that he had the same fear of facing loss again. While I didn't wish him such turmoil, it bolstered me in a way. He was no more liable to leave than I – and I wasn't leaving for the wide world.

My hands wound their way under his shirt and moved along the skin of his back. He moaned into my mouth, the sound sliding down my own throat, running along my ribs, echoing down in my lungs.

We continued to kiss, tongues entangled, never parting. I meant to bring a hand around and run it along his chest – the same chest that had rendered me mute earlier in Alice's driveway – but, instead, I felt the coarse hair that stretched from the top of his pajama pants in a narrowing trail toward his navel. I ran my fingers across it and it was my turn to moan.

"Bella," he said, breaking our kiss and moving only enough to hover over my lips. His breath was warm, his voice a rasp. "Are you sure? I don't know if-"

"Shhh," I said softly, and placed two of my fingers on his mouth to silence him. He kissed them quickly before his hand was there and closed over them, and then he brought our clasp to his side. He was still breathing against my mouth; each breath seemed shorter, shallower. He seemed to quit breathing entirely when he began to walk slowly backward, gently pulling me by my hand, toward his bedroom.

By the time we reached the doorway, we'd separated enough that I was able to truly see everything about his face. The point where his throat met his jaw. The slight turn of his nose. The faint creases near his eyes that begged to be tasted. The light that played and danced across his features revealed a mixed look of excitement and an unnamed something more.

The room was bathed in silver moonlight that spilled in from the single window across the white sheets, leaving the rest of the room in shadow.

When we neared the bed, he glanced away to gauge the distance and I could label the look I'd been seeing: Reticence.

I pulled on his hand enough to halt our progress. "Edward," I whispered. "I think maybe I should be asking you if you're sure." Then, the next words left me at level so soft I wasn't sure he'd even be able to hear them. "Do you not want this…me?"

Before I knew it was happening, he had both his hands in my hair cradling the base of skull as he kissed me with a level of intensity that distanced itself from all our earlier kisses. I felt him breathe in deeply, as if he were trying to bring all of me into him. His lips crushed to mine, his tongue delved into the deepest recess of my mouth as his thumbs ran circles deep within the mass of hair where he held me.

I felt him begin to lower us onto the bed as he bent to a sitting position then moved back more, pulling me on top of him in our unbroken kiss. Any reassurance I might have needed about his desire for me pressed against my stomach.

There was tugging at the bottom of my shirt, his palm skimmed across my waist from back to front, and then his hand closed around me there. It felt as though his long fingers reached completely from my navel around to my spine in glorious, hot pressure. I heard myself moan into his mouth and was stunned when the sound returned to me tenfold from him. I shifted against him as I tried to retain balance along the length of his frame. But it was unnecessary for me to worry about falling off; Edward wove one of his legs around my own and secured me to him, his lean thigh aligned with mine, his calf braided against my ankle and foot. He pushed his other hand up between us, shoving our shirts out of the way and bunching them up between us somewhat, pulling us together as if he were anxious to feel skin on skin. He broke our kiss and held my hair back as began to press his lips to my face, my throat, my collarbone. Still holding my hair back with one hand, he gathered the fabric of my camisole top into his fist.

"Bella, please, I need to feel you."

I made a move to sit up and straddle him so I could peel my shirt off, but Edward held me tighter, relinquishing his grasp only when I couldn't suppress a giggle at the Catch 22 of it all. He began to laugh, too, but the sound caught in his throat when I had my shirt half way over my head. Once it was completely off, I felt my hair spill down over my bare back and exposed chest. Reflexively, my hands crossed over my breasts. His eyes narrowed slightly and he shook his head once, slowly. He was sitting up and gently removed first one of my arms, kissing its wrist as he displaced it, and then the other.

Never breaking the gaze we shared, he reached down and removed his shirt, making it as thin as possible before it slipped over his head and landed in a distant corner. I gripped his arms and traced the indentation where his shoulder and bicep met while he ran both his hands up my sides until the pad of his thumbs swept along the swell of my breasts. He cupped one and his thumb rubbed repeatedly across my tensing nipple. Then, he slid his other arm around me, drawing me closer to him, pressing me into his chest, infusing me with himself.

His touch was no longer tentative; he blazed a trail.

Soft kisses along my neck turned to nibbles and then near bites along my collarbone. He licked my skin between kisses. I ran my fingers through his hair while he explored me. Whenever I could, I bent and kissed his forehead, the corners of his mouth, and the slight saltiness of unshed tears from where they still clung to his eyelids.

My hands began pulling down on his pants of their own accord. When he noticed my intent, Edward was still cupping my face in his strong hands. He broke away from our embrace and rested his head on my chest, panting and watching me work them down. His chest kept heaving, and with his head still lowered he began to nod, as if he'd just agreed with himself to go forward.

A monumental shift in our positions while he finished removing his pants left him lying beside me. I could feel my hair splayed out around me as he combed the already tangled ends out with his fingers and continued to kiss me, forever kissing me. He was braced on a single forearm and moved his touch from my hair, to my face, and down to draw a line along my body, pausing briefly over my heart. He pressed his palm flat there and then bent to place his open lips on the spot as his hand slipped lower, lower. I couldn't stop myself from raising my hips and plunging my hands into his hair as soon as he slipped a finger under the band of my panties.

I knew if I shifted ever so slightly I'd be able to feel his erection, but he was trying to be gentlemanly about it. It was touching…but I wanted to touch him.

His fingers skimmed the flat of my stomach as he approached my sex. His focus on our kisses faltered for the first time; while he continued to press his lips to mine, a greater portion of his attention was clearly elsewhere. As was mine. For, while he'd been successful in keeping the physical evidence of his arousal somewhat discreet, there would be no disguising how excited I was.

He gripped the edges of the fabric and dragged it down my thighs and legs. My flesh contracted where the fabric left a wet trail along my inner thighs. I felt my breathing still as I awaited his reaction to the affect he'd had on me. My panties found their way onto the floor and Edward wrapped one arm around me at the waist and the other around my shoulders. He buried his face in my neck and continued to cradle me within his upper arm, while the one at my waist drifted, fingertips dancing along my flesh until they slipped between my folds. A low, soft gasp resounded below my ear and he stilled momentarily, then his deep moan into the hollow of my neck made my thighs clench together over his hand.

"My God, Bella," he rasped, and slipped a single finger inside. "You're killing me Baby."

I bit back a moan at the sensations that flooded me, not trusting what might come out of my mouth. He'd been so composed, worshipful, while I was on the verge of shouting some incredibly vulgar things. He must have noticed what I was doing, because he gently pulled my bottom lip from under my teeth with his own and watched my reaction through hooded lids.

"Please, don't hold back Baby. Let me know how I make you feel."

When he slipped a second finger into me, stretching me, I moaned.

When he curled them in me, searching me, I felt my hands cling to him, dig into the contours of his back, then slip downward and trace the V that had called out to me for so long.

When he found the spot and stroked it, I grabbed his head and crashed my lips against his as I shouted incoherent vowel sounds down his open throat.

I fell back together in his arms. Eventually, I heard him murmuring soft reassurances in my ear that I'd been missing over the thunderous blood rushing around my system.

"Always you."

"Only you."

My trembling hand fumbled its away to him and I took him in my hand for the first time. He hissed as I brushed the tip and felt the thick moisture coat my fingers. His hips moved forward into my hand, pumping rhythmically as he panted near my mouth.

I wrapped my leg around his hip, tucking my ankle against the point where his thigh met his perfect ass, and encouraged him to move over top of me. Which he did, then halted. His weight rested on his forearms and he placed his hands on either side of my face, the pads of his thumbs gently running circles against my temples. His eyes smiled…his other features carried his unique combination of sweet and dangerous.

The heat radiated from him as he was positioned so near me, but without entering me. He shook above me, apparently awaiting some unknown cue. It was my turn to kiss his throat, his shoulders, any part of him I could reach. The tuft of hair below his neck called out to me; I swirled my tongue in it and ran a wet lick up before drawing his Adam's apple into my mouth in a long suck.

"Christ."

He spoke and my suction broke with the movement. He bent and curled over the top of me, bringing my nipple between his lips, pulling at it, drawing it deeply into his mouth. He moved and repeated the same with the other one.

He licked, and touched, and drew long breaths, then pulled back to survey me momentarily. It seemed he was looking for something more, more connection. It was as if he needed another sense to take me in. So, I wanted to give him the only one left: hearing.

The problem was, I didn't know what exactly to say. The high ceiling was invisible in the current light, leaving only the acoustics of reverberated gasps to bounce back down upon us.

The room already was filled with our soft moans; he needed words.

In that moment, I recognized my power. Because, for once, I could say how I felt without judgment. He needed to know and I needed to tell him. Where earlier words had seemed trite, in that moment I accepted that they could, they would, make everything right. I forced myself to break away and speak.

"You're who I'm meant for."

He groaned, his eyes closed, and he bent to place his lips on mine as he began to enter me.

The unspoken words "Take me" rattled around in my brain. The sentiment seemed insufficient somehow, perhaps imbedded in patriarchal notions. The idea that there's a penetration, a plundering, an invasion, so there must be a taking. It seemed off to me…for I was taking him. I was claiming. I was receiving. There would be just as much of me when we were done. He was the one leaving something behind. I'd be the same…but more. I envelope, encase, claim. I receive.

I take him.

There was a responsibility in that concept that I never saw before. I needed to take care of as well as care for.

He was trusting me to be as strong as the both of needed me to be. We were not far distanced from the mess we'd made; we were two short steps from loneliness.

The trust gave way to thrusts and I found I could no longer contemplate the intricacies of the universe.

He was being so careful and slow; it was both touching and torturous. He remained braced on his elbows, hovering and touching with each shallow breath. He placed the flat of his palms beneath me on my shoulder blades and laid kisses along my collarbone, along my neck. I shuddered when he reached a certain spot below my ear.

With each movement, each in then out, he moved fractionally further. The pace made me acutely aware of each new stretch. He continued to quake and I thought, perhaps, he was resisting the urge to plunge ahead and finish the trek. I'd have been inclined to appreciate the need represented by such urgency – I wanted to feel that desired, that wanted – but it occurred to me that the method had been going on for quite some time…and he was not done yet.

Move. Kiss. Slide. Farther. Further. Stretch. Again. Move…

And he's not there yet.

.

_Holy shit – has he been taking growth hormones? _

_ I mean, I've been outta commission for a while, but seriously? This fit before? _

_ W._

_ T. _

_ F._

_ Oh, yeah, that was question. Here you go: ?_

"Ungh… Ed…ward. I…oh God-" I cried out as his hips tilted and the thick head pressed inside me against the spot his fingers had stroked earlier. My limbs left my control and I wrapped around him like an inverted turtle. I clutched and grasped at the contours and sinew of his back. My legs wrap suddenly around his waist and he surged farther into me, much farther.

The change seemed to catch him unawares; a long, moaning curse fell from him as his progress stilled. Only tremulous movements along his limbs from the strain of holding back remained. I ran a hand down the small of his back and smoothed my hand over his hip, willing him to continue, begging him to continue. Without cause, my hands slid between us and my thumbs made a surreptitious return to nestle down within the V I'd only visited earlier.

He remained still over me, partially sheathed within me, completely consuming me. His hands ran circuits along my sides, along my waist. He ran the flat of his hand along my thigh, drawing it up, anchoring himself down. The soft webbing between his thumb and index finger pressed against the back of my right knee while I left the other wrapped around him. I thought perhaps he was going to lift my leg further to the side. Instead, he held fast and spoke softly as he placed kisses between my breasts. The unsteady, tender whisper-laced kisses were barely audible over the pulse thrumming in my ears. After a moment, I calmed myself enough to hear some of what he was saying for the first time.

"Only you…" He pressed his lips to the pulse point on my throat.

"Whatever it takes…" His lips smoothed along my neck, open and moist.

"So sorry, Baby…Mine…please…" The words were hoarse and dry. I felt him swallow against my breast.

My hands flew to his face and pulled him to me. I kissed him deeply, my palms rubbing against the scruff along his cheeks as I delved deeply into this mouth, swallowing any more of his needless apologies. Then I spread my legs, dragging the hand he held me with along the way, hitched my hips forward with more poise than I would've ventured I possessed, and drew the rest of his length into me, to the hilt.

He cried out into my mouth when his hips fully met mine. I think he might have tried to hold fast and allow me adjust, but I was having done of it; I raised myself and ground against him, never feeling so full in my life. Edward broke our kiss and watched the space where our bodies joined. He breathing picked up more and he wrapped his long fingers around my waist, the fingertips of one hand touching the other, completely encircling me in his grasp.

Then he began to move.

Full, long, deep…complete.

His movements were steady. I tried to force my eyes to remain open against the waves his thrusts were creating in my core, but the most I could manage was to peek through foggy slits as he moved above me, within me. He alternated between kissing me, to watching himself slide into me, to staring at me and gauging my reactions. I vaguely registered one of his hands move from my waist as it slid along the smooth sheets, past my body, my face, my hair, sliding until it extended over my head and, probably, latched onto back of the mattress.

The hand he still used to secure my waist tilted my pelvis up. He drew himself up on his knees slightly and slid his length into me slowly, rubbing along my front wall and edges, watching my reaction to each new contact. He drew back out, maneuvered me again, and plunged forward along a different path until he hit a point where my breath caught. The moonlight glinted off his smile and he took in a long breath, drew back, and began to pound repeatedly into me at that angle.

I wanted to scream. I needed to scream. But the sensation was so extreme, so forceful, I could do nothing but hold on. I felt my body draw up into an arc away from the point where we joined. My head was heavy and remained touching the bed while my back mimicked a flesh rainbow.

"Edward! I…I…arrgh…" I began to call out all manner of sounds. Some might have even been words. I clutched at the sheets, pulling, arching further, and shaking. He moved his hand from the mattress and dragged the flat palm down the length of my torso to join his other one in holding my waist.

He continued to pound into me. Not roughly, never roughly. Thoroughly. Fully.

Completely.

I heard myself saying things and couldn't stop. I told him how I'd thought of him every day. I thrashed on the bed and whispered nonsensical rants about how I couldn't concentrate when he'd started at the diner, wet t-shirts and my undying gratitude for him walking me to my truck.

And still he pounded into me and still I kept pouring my heart out to him.

In shallow gasps I shared with him how much his smile both meant to me and pained me when I'd see him at the store, how much it hurt when left me.

I was sobbing about how much he meant to me when Edward suddenly stopped, his eyes wide.

He scooped me up against him, the fine sheen of sweat cool where we made contact. He ran his hands through my hair and kissed every part of my face as if I'd been missing and he'd just found me. He lowered us both back to the bed, kissed the inside of one of my elbows and gently placed it on his shoulders, wrapping around him, holding him. He resumed his long, full thrusts.

Within moments I was falling apart, my release causing my whole being to clench, my lungs tight from my confessions, from my exhaustion. Edward neared the brink, his muscles writhing and contracting. His words caught me; he breathed secrets into my skin and, as I strained to hear the tale, he threw his head back and shouted as he came.

He continued to spill into me, running open mouth kisses wherever he made contact. I stayed silent and he continued to whisper and respond to the confessions I'd been unable to hold back earlier. "I do… so much…" He kissed my eyes and smoothed the damp hair from my face. "Always." He swallowed and ran his nose along my own. "Oh, God Bella. You don't know how much… I do."

He wrapped his arms around me and breathed his words into my hair. "I love you, too."


	15. Chptr 15 Rain Showers & Morning Glories

**A/N: **Hope everyone enjoyed the, um, events and revelations of the last chapter.

In the words of the incomparable Snowqueens Icedragon: Thanks for the reviews, please keep them coming. They are the reason that authors do this.

Thanks to Melee03, who made both the new amazing banner & a blinkie

….

**Chapter 15 – Rain Showers & Morning Glories**

I awoke to near darkness, the moon's effects obscured behind thick clouds. The woods around Edward's house were thick, the hour late, and the land quiet. The only sounds I could discern were the soft, even breaths that accompanied each rise and fall of his chest beneath my cheek. It was as if that's all there were in existence, and I was content.

We were wrapped up in one another...finally. Not only physically - with his strong arms encircling me and holding me to his chest and my legs warm underneath the one he'd draped over me – but emotionally as well. He'd let me know as much in no uncertain terms last night.

_I love you, too._

When he'd said the words, the feeling that overtook me was indescribable. Like the physical answering of a prayer unfurled in my chest and rapidly seeped out to the farthest points of my body. A corporeal warmth in places I hadn't even known existed within myself, as though my very soul heated and healed, made whole by what he'd said and he'd done. All that, but more, better.

At that time, I had opened my mouth to tell him that I felt the same, to confess the love that I'd carried for nearly as long as I could remember - certainly for as long as I'd felt like I was grown enough to feel like shared a sense of identity with person I am today - but a distant echo of his phrase rang in my ears. _…too. _He wasn't waiting for a response; he'd responded to me.

As he'd run his arms along my face, my hesitation went unnoticed; he'd continued to kiss every contour of my face and slowly rock inside of me as he rode out his climax. I loved it. I loved him. And had already told him so.

_Well, that's answers any questions about whether or not I stayed in control of myself. _

_Big, fat "nope."_

In dawn's rising light, I felt myself smile into the comfort of his chest as the arm he had under and around my back hugged me tighter to him. From my new position, I saw a well-worn leather journal near his alarm. I smiled, comforted that committing thoughts to the page was something else that Edward and I had in common.

"Mmm…Bella."

His chest vibrated with his words. I looked up and could see that he was still asleep.

From between us, unbidden, my right hand ghosted up from the covers.

I wanted to touch him.

Everywhere and always.

I could see my hand's shadowed outline, fingers silhouetted like dark tree branches against the window's scant light. It reminded me of our first night together, two years ago.

_Bella, I'm just going to lie here and face this way… away._

_The slope of his right shoulder silhouetted against the midnight light filtered through the shade. The fabric of his t-shirt pulled slightly tighter across his back with the rise of each breath._

_I don't know when my hand had slivered up from beneath the blanket; I could only see its outline rise above the landscaped hills of his side, my fingers splayed like the branches of a tree at sunset, each finger carved into the night's light with more distinction than would have been noticed under the midday sun._

But, that scene of two years ago was also very different than the one in found myself in. Still, the green, sick souvenir of abandonment threatened to register somewhere in me.

Same room.

Same man.

But, not entirely same.

I was held, not held at bay.

Where there had been silence before, now there were words.

"…love you…" Edward mumbled, as if he were attuned to my musings.

Hearing it again, I gasped. He shifted, momentarily restless, only to gather me up closer yet and hum as he fell back under sleep's temperate spell.

The hand that I'd removed was still aloft. I let it descend and trace the outline of his form. First, up his sculpted arm, then around the bend of his shoulder, across his collarbone. He was still breathing softly. Unable to resist, I lifted the sheet and saw what I could as I'd grown accustomed to the light. _Oh, my… _Then, emboldened, I smoothed my hand down his side, his hip, thigh, and around to his butt. _Nice._ My fingers ran along his curves, his flesh pebbled under my touch. The whole area was addictive and oddly comforting to touch. I began to gently knead it like dough. Really, really, great dough.

_Ass. It seems like a wonderfully crude word for such an amazing piece of…art. _

"Um, Bella?" Edward's voice, groggy but amused, broke my revelry. "What is it you think you're doing?"

_Whoops._

"Oh, sorry…I thought you were sleeping."

"I'd be concerned if I – or anyone – could sleep through that." He kissed my hair. I could practically hear his smile.

"Well, I was just…exploring." I squeezed his cheek and my index finger ran down the first inch or so between.

"Oh well, so be it," he hummed, and pulled me to him, my hand falling unceremoniously to his groin. "I feel positively objectified."

My breath caught. He grew, more, under my touch and he seemed unaware, or unable, to stop his small tremors and rocking motions.

"Bella," he whispered, and pulled me up into a kiss, his soft lips brushing over mine with every word as he continued to kiss me.

"Can I have you again?"

Ignoring the grammar of his query, I closed my fingers around his silken skin and smoothed along its ridges, then ran my hand up the middle of his spine, pulling him even closer in my wordless answer.

"Can I have you always?"

"Edward, you always have had me."

He groaned and pulled my hip over his own. We were aligned, his swollen shaft running between my, rather absurdly, wet folds in time with the soft moans that we traded. Edward dipped further and the hot head pushed into me. My head arched back into the pillows. I inclined myself and he slid fully into me with a deep, throaty moan.

Everything was hips…

and lips…

and real.

He only ever pulled out partially before rejoining me fully, leaving everything concentrated in a delicious rocking motion. The scruff along his chin grazed my face and neck. I ducked further into his embrace and kissed the hollow of his neck; he tasted of sleep and sweat and… I couldn't imagine ever getting enough. I dove in, kissing and biting and pulling him into me as much as I could with my softening limbs.

"Ungh, Bel-" Instantly, he stilled inside me. All his movements halted, the caresses he'd been trailing along my ribs, the rocking. He held his breath.

His eyes were closed, hard. The look on his face, unreadable. I wasn't sure what he was thinking, but I knew I would remember this moment, that I would find the right time to ask what he was thinking.

Only a few seconds had passed, I hadn't really even had time to collect my voice before he looked down at me in what seemed like relief.

"Oh, god…Bella…Bella…" He rolled over me and held me tighter than ever. As he thrust - frantic, possessive - my name falling from him over and over again like a staggered hymn. I wrapped my legs around him and held on. His strokes fanned the flames in my belly I resisted the urge to dig into his back, instead fisting the sheets in one hand and holding on tight across his shoulder blades with the other, straining my fingers straight to keep what little nails I had from scratching his skin.

"Edward…I'm…I'm…" Stars began to pop and burn.

"Come on Bella…Baby…let me have it."

Clenching, I cried out something close to his name. His rhythm faltered then a few quick shudders and he stilled, a long, low moan pulled from his lungs. His arms seemed to fail him; his body crushed into mine, pressing. I felt covered, protected. Moments later, he seemed to collect himself and slid from me. The sweat where we touched was slick, cooling when he rolled away.

He lay beside me again, one arm still under me, his chest rising and falling rapidly.

"That was…" He seemed at a loss.

"Uh-huh."

"Yeah," he breathed, and looked toward the growing light of dawn.

After a few moments, he rolled to kiss my forehead. "Looks like it's about that time, Baby," he said, and inclined his head to the window.

_And, just like that, our night is over. _

_What about today? What if this was all we were ever meant to be? No…no. This is different. This is…the time._

"Bella, you're pouting." His thumb played with my bottom lip and I sucked it in quickly. He laughed and rolled, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Stay," I heard myself speak before I'd even thought the word. He leaned back to me and swept what was probably a tangled mass of hair behind my shoulder. "I'll be right back here with you…in about fourteen hours."

That, actually, sounded like a dreadfully long amount of time.

I did my damnedest not to pout again, the entire concept of me doing so was embarrassing in the extreme, but I must have failed. Edward laughed softly and ran the back of his index finger along my lip. "What can I do?"

"Stay." I reached up and pecked his lips.

"Believe me, I want to. I can't just skip work Bella."

"I'm sure they'll manage just fine."

"I really don't know about that. I've never called in."

_What?_

"Never? Not once?" _How does one never call in? No DMV trips for car tags at the last minute? No odd appointments? Just how effing healthy is this guy?_

"Well…they count on me. It wouldn't be right." He looked at me like he was saying something I should already know, like he was answering and I'd simply been testing him.

I said nothing but smiled and nodded. He kissed my cheek again and headed for the shower, leaving me with only the view of the same ass that started all this to comfort me.

It did a fair job.

I must've drifted back to sleep. I awoke to what I thought was a particularly annoying alarm. Rubbing my eyes, I realized it was the answering machine picking up. I could hear the water shut off as the long beep ceased.

"Hi, Honey…um, Edward…sorry." There was a pause in the tinny voice and I clutched the sheet to cover the new ache in my chest. "I'm calling about, well, I guess it's visitation now, isn't it? Anyway, do you still want to meet halfway? I can probably –"

The bathroom door flung open and Edward came through in a towel, casting a concerned glance at me as he broke for the phone. He snatched the receiver from the base and moved to stand just outside the room.

"Tanya, wait. Back-up, I missed the first part. You're not trying to cancel again are you?" He looked back at me, an unspoken apology in his features. I forced a small smile in his direction and pulled free the sheet I had a death grip on to wrap around me, feeling exposed. I made my way to the bathroom without looking at him. He continued to say some words that sounded like locations and times.

I reached the bathroom and shut the door. _Click._ I could still hear him speaking, pleasantly, like a business deal or a dinner date, on the other side. I leaned my forehead on the door, its surface moist with condensation.

"No, no problem. I can be there then. What about - what? Really…that's great. When did he stop using that? How'd you manage to get that away from him?" I dropped the sheet in the corner and numbly climbed into the shower, Edward's voice growing ever fainter as I pulled away.

He sounded so pleased. "That's great. You're a genius. I never would've-"

I turned the water on and tried to lose myself in the spray.

_What the fuck have I been thinking?_

_I am the consummate fool. There's too much history there. _

_Her voice had been so calm, her manner so assured…even if her words weren't. "Hi, Honey…um, Edward…sorry"_

I turn the water up, near scorching, burning it all away. Blurry, it swirled around and slipped down the drain below me.

"_Hi, Honey…"_

_This is not some manipulative shrew that anyone would do better to be away from. She sounds kind, and pleasant, and…smart. A good mother. _

The water pelted my face, I braced my palms on the wall.

"_Hi, Honey…"_

_Calm down._

_This is only a phone call to work out letting him see his son. His child._

_Calm down._

_But…_

_His child with her. Their child. _

_I was tired of waiting, slowing fading…but this? This is how it is…was for him?_

_Oh, god…I can't do this. I can't compete with this. I can't…_

I took a deep breath and water sneaked into my lungs. I coughed and sobbed.

_Oh, god…I can't do this. I can't compete with this. I can't…_

"Bella, are you okay? You need to answer me or I'm coming in." His voice carried through the door and over the water, almost frantic. _How long has he been knocking?_

_Pull it together. Have some pride._

"Bella!"

I opened my mouth again to say something to make everything seem alright. I couldn't think of anything. The water ran over my lips and around my tongue, washing away my words, washing away the taste of him.

_Stop it._

"Stop it." I heard Edward echo my own thoughts.

I'd missed the sound of the door. Edward was standing with me, the pants he'd thrown on at some point quickly being soaked in the spray.

His voice broke my internal free fall. His fingers came under my chin and he looked at me intently.

"I need you. Stay with me," he said. His tone was emphatic.

I blink away the water that's pooled in my eyes, but it keeps running down from my sopping hair, my eyes. The look on my face must've conveyed confusion.

"I know you. I know that far away look you get in your eyes. I always wanted to think you were thinking about me. But, I'm right here…so I know that's not it.

"Please, please don't let that call bother you," he said and pulled me to him, the wet from my skin soaking whatever was still dry on him. "Things are…pleasant so far. This…cordial behavior from her – well, I can't expect that to last forever."

I nodded lamely against him. The fabric of his pants clung to him.

"Bella…Baby." He bent at the knees to look up in my down-turned face. He wiped some more water from around my eyes. "Aw, now. How can I fix this?"

_That's the sixty-four dollar question there, isn't it? Does this need fixed? _A growing part of me recognized that I was, probably, overreacting. _Great. His clothes are soaked. I've practically begged him to call in to work and break what sounds to be a Guinness-worthy perfect attendance record, and I apparently won't be satisfied until the banter between he and his ex sounds like a bad episode of Moonlighting. But, without the unresolved sexual tension…or the underlying humor…or, well, not Moonlighting at all, I guess._

Suddenly, I felt him take our joined wet hands and pounded them twice almost roughly over his chest. The water and slick skin collided; the smack reverberated off the tiles. I was distracted for a moment by the contrast between my hand and his chest hairs.

Then, he held them there, pressing both of our palms flat over his heart. "Stay _with_ me."

I knew he wasn't talking about physically; we both had places to be today. He knew me, knew me in my soul. He understood how easily I could, maybe would, close off if I convinced myself there was potential hurt on the horizon. He wanted me to stay true to what we'd finally started and not get spooked because it seemed like a familiar flavor of pain.

I folded into his embrace, nodding. The water collected where our enfolded arms met near my head and his chest. He began to speak, his words quiet, but clear over the sounds of the shower.

"These past few days, they're like a miracle, Bella. You've got me thinking it will be alright. You let me in and believe me, every single time. I've failed you so many, many times. Even when you didn't realize how close I was to making it happen for us…or trying to make it happen.

It feels like this time…I wish it was my first chance, no regrets, no mistakes. You've always shown me what's right, Bella. I can't believe I'm holding you…that you're letting me. There's nothing that I want to do more than make it all up to you."

After a time, he broke and bent back, retrieving a bottle of shampoo. I heard the cap snap, and he began to run his fingers through my hair, massaging my scalp. Thick suds slinked down my front. I felt the tension leave and, at a point, heard a low hum escape me. He smiled, and angled my head back into the spray, using a hand to keep the soap out of my eyes.

When he'd finished, I kicked the water off behind me, making him laugh. He wrapped me in a towel and stepped out of the shower to remove his pants. He glanced back at me, as though he were making sure it was okay to undress in front me. I may have rolled my eyes.

The material peeled away from his thighs and landed with a thwack near the shower door. We smiled, almost sheepishly, at one another when it hit. He held out his arms and was about to step in and encircle me when I launched myself at him, burrowing into his chest and wrapping my arms around him tightly.

"Sorry," I croaked.

"Hey, none of that. There are no 'sorrys' here," he pulled me in.

"We better hurry," I said, wondering what time it was. I looked up at him and suddenly we were kissing, not with so much passion, but reassurance.

"Actually," he said, and rubbed his nose on mine. "I think maybe I'll just let myself be very, very late today."

…

We'd gone back to bed, cuddling and touching. We talked about everything and nothing before dozing briefly. When I finally made it in to work around ten, Rose was burning a path into the carpet by my desk.

"Where the hell have you been?" she demanded.

"Chill Rose," I said, and swiftly pulled out my chair. "I called the hot line."

"No, it's not that, you dolt" she bent over my desk and, in unRose-like fashion, spoke softly so as not to garner any outside attention. I raised an eyebrow at her uncharacteristic demeanor.

"Don't give that look," she scoffed. "Emmett made the mistake of mentioning Seth being the ringbearer around Esme last night. He said she muttered some crap about him helping 'make such a mess.' Now, she's clammed up; she won't take his calls. Lucky me though, Alice is calling my damned phone every three minutes freaking out between her moody-ass new roomie and her – truly understandable – anxiety over pinning her entire livelihood on Esme, the woman who is now shunning her - probably for her association with you. Oh, and there is some shit coming down the pipe here….big time. Hope you enjoy Ramen and rummage sales – ten to one they shutter us. Corporate showed back up unannounced today; that Jacob character's been sniffing around your desk like a dog in heat. I'm surprised he hasn't made the rounds back over here again already.

"Can you sort your shit, please? I need to be planning a wedding every spare moment, not focusing on all your drama."

"I'm not trying for drama, Rose. Oh, and nice of you to try and be cordial with me considering how you're supposed to be trying to get back in my good graces, you foul-mouthed….whatever. " I keep my voice low like hers and can't help my eyes darting around, double-checking for corporate suits. Or, suit. _Why does that idea of seeing Jake again unnerve me so?_

Rose managed to look remorseful.

"Rose, what am I supposed to do about Esme? Or Alice? Or one-date-Jake, for that matter?" I realized I'd never booted my computer, so I pressed the button. I needed to at least make the effort of appearing like I was working.

"Damned if I know."

"Thanks," I snapped. "Now, if you're done berating me, I believe you have a wedding to try to pull off in two weeks' time."

Rose stood up straight, her hands on hips in a symbol of affront.

"Don't give me that Rose. You picked the rushed date. You act like a woman in trouble."

Rose's eyes nearly popped out of her head and her cheeks flushed for the first time in the history of ever.

"Rose?" I said, and put a hand on her arm. "Really?"

She looked at the carpet. She looked at the ceiling. She looked at my screen kick to life.

"Honey, that's great, isn't it? I bet Emmett is…oh! You _have_ to tell me how Emmett took it the news."

Rose smiled, her eyes watery, and nodded. "I will."

"You w-…he doesn't know? Oh my god, Rose! When are you-"

"I thought it would be my wedding present," she laughed softly, a tinge of irony in her tone. "The gift that keeps on giving."

"This is not a Jelly of the Month club, Rose. How far along are you?" I tried, harder than ever, to keep my tone a whisper.

She mumbled something and turned to leave only to bump into, then side-step, a grinning, blue-suited Jake. She disappeared into the call center sales floor.

"Hey, Bells," he said, and put his elbow up on my wall. I stilled, but could not hear the bells of which he spoke.

He cleared his throat and then moved to sit, like he owned the real estate, on the edge of my desk.

"Hello, Jake," I said, rearranging papers I'd never even looked at on my desk.

"So, this is a pleasant surprise. I didn't think we'd be seeing each other again so soon."

"Yes, I am surprised to see all the Boys Club back in town today. Forgive me if I confess myself unsettled as to what this might mean for our little operation here."

"Nothing gets by you, doesn't? That's what I told them in the shake down." Jake looked behind him quickly, then crouched near me as if confessing a sacred truth. "It's okay. You're coming with us. I saved you."

"With you? With you to corporate? Did it occur to you that I might not need saving?"

"Bella, everyone here needs saving."

I really didn't know what to say. I hated this job, but I was rather fond of food and shelter.

I felt my eyes go wide when his dark fingers tucked a lock of hair behind my ear as his hot breath swirled near my ear. "Maybe it's meant to be, huh?"

I bristled and rolled my chair back until it banged into the corner of my desk. "I'm seeing someone."

It was Jake's turn to move away, but he recovered quickly.

He looked unsettling confident.

….

As always, please review.


	16. Chapter 16 Banyan & Blackberries

**A/N – **Well, here we are at long last. I'm not going to say something overly optimistic like last time about staying out of the hospital as I've learned my hard lesson about counting those unhatched chickies. I will say that I have a goodly portion of the next chapter written - a preview follows this chapter.

I thank you for coming back to this story. If you still love it, I ask you to please make a couple of clicks and vote for it in the Twilight Gem Awards – it's up for Best Angst & the voting ends in on the 30th.

Here's the voting link, if you'd be so kind: http:/gemawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com/

If that link doesn't work – just put "Twilight Gem Awards" in Google and it comes right up.

ALSO – I have 2 one-shots nominated in the Single Shot Awards! (also comes right up in a Google search) http:/thesingleshotawards (dot) blogspot (dot) com/p/voting (dot) html

Hold My Peace (Best AU AH) The EPOV AU outtake for Blessing Ring

Marlboros & Saggy Titties (Best Romance) – I'll be expanding this into a full length fic when TBR wraps.

I would sincerely appreciate your votes!

Off we go….

….

**Chapter 16 – Banyan & Blackberry**

By eleven o'clock, the announcement was made, the lines shut down and re-routed to still-standing operations elsewhere, and the painful process of exit interviews or the rare transfer negotiation were underway. The incessant buzz of sales chatter I'd endured for longer than I cared to think about was replaced by the occasional clangs of newly empty desk drawers sliding shut for the last time. All around me were people packing up what had suddenly become remnants of a past life.

I was more grateful than ever that I'd spent the first few hours of the morning with Edward, although for entirely different reasons. Several operators were sobbing, their grief either exaggerated or replaced with shock upon leaving their exit/offer interviews. Only a handful would be retained with an offer to relocate to the corporate offices.

I felt badly for them but, mostly, I felt numbed.

The picture of Dad and me a few Easters ago, the only personal item I realized I'd ever brought to work, was safely tucked into my purse. Rose had already come marching by with her box of things and made her goodbyes; she didn't even wait around to see if she got an offer. I couldn't blame her.

It was suddenly clearer to me than ever that I didn't give two figs about the job, that I'd been biding my time. I'd known, but not acknowledged it to myself. The feeling of trepidation, the unknown's ghost, manifested more passing moment. My thoughts barely formed, most overlapping each other in a ticker tape of transitional worry.

_Can I move away? No, I can't. Edward is here. But, then again, I really can move. Why didn't I save up? Should it matter that Edward is here? It does. Should it? I hate this job. Do I hate this town? Yes. No. Arrgh. I miss Edward already. Can I fit the color laser printer in my purse?_

My phone buzzed with an incoming text and I was about to read it when Jake - all blinding grin and russet skin - stopped at my desk along with an executive I'd seen at corporate parties but never actually met.

"So, Ms. Swan, I hear you're going to be joining us in the Mile High city," said the man in a suit far too slick for small town use. He sauntered up to me as if we were pals, as if he'd ever deigned to speak to me before.

I felt my eyebrow rise, but tried to reign it in. "Well, an offer has been unofficially mentioned, but there have been no commitments made." In my peripheral, I saw Jake shuffle. He was the Edward antonym. Having him so near served to make me think of Edward even more. My chest constricting about how this business closure might change things, make them even more complicated.

Mr. Shiny Suit watched himself flick a bit of fuzz from his lapels. "Your stats and work product are exceptional. It's a shame you've been...overlooked _here_." The final word was said much like one might refer to finding sick on the floor. "You seem to inspire a great deal of respect and loyalty from the team members who've worked with you."

The past tense of his sentence was not lost to me. These people had worked with me, but no longer. The loss of a business that employed upwards of two hundred people in our town would be a major hit; there were no real options but to move away or find commute jobs. Finding the difference between their situation and my own seemed harder all the time.

_Who is this cheeseball? He's never bothered to speak to me before and, I can be honest with myself, I've not exactly put forth genuine Go-Team-Spirit effort. _

It became clearer and clearer to me that my recent stock value was soaring from word of a mouth. Jake's big teeth-as-white-as-pearls mouth.

"That's very nice to hear that I was thought so highly of by those who will now be signing up for Workforce Investment Act education vouchers and food stamps." If my words concerned him, he showed no sign. I leveled my voice as much as possible and continued. "It seems a pity that my merits went unnoticed until the bitter end."

"It makes no sense to throw the catch out with the chum, Ms. Swan," he said dismissively. "It is an unfortunate circumstance that opens this window for you, but I have every confidence that you will make a great addition to our team."

I tried, and probably failed, to conceal my anger at his nonchalance in introducing upheaval into so many lives. "Oh, that surprises me. I thought I was on the team already…sir – and you'll have to pardon me not using your name, but I truly have no idea what it might be as you've never found occasion to speak with me before – I haven't agreed to take the position."

He laughed and shook his head as if I were a third-grader who'd just successfully retold a knock-knock joke. "I'm Laurent Davies," he said, and extended his hand. "You impress me. Not leaving anything on the table." He let go of my hand but not my eyes. "Jake, set up lunch so Ms. Swan can do the negotiating she's obviously holding out for."

I crossed my arms over my chest in a fit of righteous indignation I could not explain even to myself. "Mr. Davies. Pleasure." I set my shoulders. "And I'll agree right now to move to Denver even without the promotion if you can actually tell me my first name."

_Hey – if anybody's missing a pair of balls, I think I've picked them up by mistake. _

He forgot to let go of my hand as he silently blinked at me.

Moments later, they were both gone, Jake having looked back at me with furrowed brows.

I fished my phone out and saw that the text had been from Edward telling me that he'd heard about my work and asking me to meet him on his short lunch break. Small black words on a gray background, nothing exemplary except their sender, yet the glow that flowed across me felt the warmest warmth, like clothes from the dryer, like cocoa when coming home in the snow.

I'd no sooner sent Edward my regrets than I actually regretted doing so. _Because it makes so much sense to eat lunch with the mofos who just locked the doors instead of the guy who…well, THE guy. _I let out a long stream of air and looked up at the ceiling tiles. _I'm so screwed._ _No job. Well, no job here. No real prospects here._

I thought about all the little expenses that had just seemed to up lately. _I'm not even gonna make rent. Crappola. _A clear picture of me ascending the stairs at Edward's house with a box of my things popped into my head. _Oh, yes, that's a great plan. How would that go? "Um, hey Edward, Sweetie, I know we just started seeing each other, but I have no respect for boundaries or all the issues you're dealing with, so I'm just gonna move in and overtake your whole life! Oh, and by the way, I'm not chipping in. Love ya Babe! Where do you keep the floss?"_

A shudder ran down my spine and wandered around the desolate office. Before long it was time for lunch. I drove out to the meeting almost as if I were watching myself do it. The last thing I'd expected was to see only Jake sitting in the diner booth when I got there. His arm was slung around the back of the bench as if he was glomming onto an imaginary girlfriend. _Which he just might be. I'm not sure I even want to comprehend that guy's reality._

"Hi Bella," he said too warmly. Warily, I slid into the seat across from him. "Laurent is outside on a call." He slid a memo in front of me.

_4 weeks paid vacation, PTO, flex account, stock options, company car…_

_Wow. Too bad this job sucks like a horny vampire._

Silently, I pretended to repeatedly skim over the list while Jake studied me the entire time. A few more uncomfortable minutes later, the table squeaked as Laurent slid in next to Jake.

"So, _Bella_," he said, enunciating my name as if it would impress me that he'd done his homework. "What did you think of our counter offer?"

"I'll think about it," I said. I lied.

Much like my first encounter with Leisure suit Laurent, his skeeve factor coupled with the emotional disengagement I felt about work made it much easier to speak my mind.

"I think you'll find very little could convince me to make the move for this company. You talk teamwork and loyalty – but you have none," I said, and stood up to leave. "So, thank for the offer, but no thank you.

Laurent started talking again, but his voice faded into a fuzzy haze when I recognized someone sitting at the counter. Angela was at the diner.

"Please excuse me," I said, cutting across the din of his sales pitch. I felt the heat of their gaze as I walked away.

Angela was slowly stirring sugar into her coffee and, apparently, watching ever-present James at the grill. I slid onto the round, spinning stool beside her. "Hi Angela."

She threw her arms around me and gave me a hug that threatened to crush my spine. I was glad to see her, too, but it was a bit more than I expected.

"Oh, Bella. I've been hoping to see you ever since I got back to town, but I haven't gotten organized enough to call you. Can you ever forgive me?"

"No worries. Maybe you can come for dinner tomorrow?" _I can probably still splurge on Ramen. _

"Oh, well, tomorrow won't work. I'm meeting up with Jasper." I don't know what kind of puzzled look must have passed my face, but she looked a bit ashamed. "Don't worry Bella, I'm nothing if not reformed. We both just know we need some closure."

I hugged her and wished her good luck with whatever the hell she was talking about, and then headed back to the booth where the server was taking orders.

Laurent made to stand as I approached, but I held my hand up to let him know not to bother. He really didn't need to bother with any of it.

"Ah, now Bella, have you decided on you want here at the diner?"

_I sure did… about ten years ago._

I managed what I hoped was a pleasant smile and gathered my things.

"Actually, yes. And that's why I need to leave."

…

Five hours can be a very long span of time to fill when one's life is in total flux and the most important person in it has only recently stepped into their current role. It was mostly due to the sheer volume of time available to me that I found myself standing in front of the pharmacy counter about three hours before Edward was due off work.

Edward did something along the lines of a triple take – like Dumbledore does when Hermione shows up in the Triwizard tent – when he saw me standing with my hands folded in front of me.

He slipped out of the door and took my hands in his.

"Hey, you."

"Hi Edward," I said, and instinctively leaned in toward him. He pulled me around the corner to a quiet aisle. "I hope this was okay…to just drop by."

A crooked smile pulled across his lips and he shook his head softly. "It's way more than okay." He looked side to side quickly then leaned down and pressed his lips to mine.

When we finally parted, I couldn't help the smile that broke across my face. He looked at me as if he'd love to know what I was thinking.

I felt my fingers touch my lips. "I was just thinking about the last time I saw you here. How different things are now."

He kissed me again quickly. "It used to kill me when you'd come in. I looked forward to it and hated it at the same time. You were so close…"

I nodded my head softly. Shaking the emotions off, I plowed ahead with my reason/excuse for visiting his work. "I want to make dinner for you tonight. Lasagna."

For the briefest of moments, Edward looked surprised. Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a single, loose key. Placing it in my hand, he said, "I guess I'll go ahead and give you this now then, so you can go home and start."

_Key? Home? Start? _

_Whoa, Nelly._

I turned the key, the key to Edward's house, around in my hand. It caught the light and reflected like a prism. I wanted to take it, I wanted it to mean what I wanted it to mean. But, how could I be sure if he meant it when I'd just lost my job? How could I know it wasn't pity on some level?

"Bella, before you get all defensive about this, maybe I should tell you that I have a time-stamped receipt for the key. I had your key made when I first got to work today, before I heard about your work closing."

_Oh, I guess that's how I'll know._

I laughed and kissed him quickly then made to leave. He tugged softly back on my arm

"Hey, where do you think you're going already? That hardly counts as a kiss."

He looked at me, studied me for a moment, then placed his hand on the small of my back and drew me in to his embrace. He held me there and ran his open palm up my neck until his thumb was under my chin and his fingers laced into my hair. _Wow. This is quiet a production this time. Not that I'm complaining…but I will see him again in only about four and half hours._

His thumb ran circles on my skin and he leaned in. His voice was a whisper. "I was so worried that you'd say no." He kissed me softly, running his lips over mine, drawing my upper lip between his own, then sneaking his tongue between my lips. He hummed contentedly and moved to rest his forehead on mine. Even when we broke apart for him to return to work, he still had a ridiculous grin on his face. It probably matched my own.

_Yep – definitely need to stalk him at work more often. As luck would have it, I now seem to have the time._

…_._

When I heard the Volvo pull up the drive, I put the final layer of cheese on the lasagna and returned the hot pan to the oven. It had been a crazy day and I was beyond excited to make this dinner. I don't know if Edward remembered our conversation during our weekend together two years ago when he'd raved about Esme's lasagna, but I did; I'd felt a challenge ever since to show him what I could do with noodles and tomato sauce. _Why does that sound dirty?_

I heard the front door open and close and fought with myself to remain in the kitchen rather than run across the house and pounce on him.

There was the clinking of keys on a table in the other room and then I heard his voice call out in exaggerated sing-song. "Honey, I'm ho-"

Edward rounded the corner into the kitchen and stopped short. "Holy sh-… er, I mean, that wow smells amazing."

I just smiled at him, not really knowing what to say in the moment.

This was really it.

It. It. It.

I'd made dinner for him, spent the night with him, and it was the next day and were together again, as if this was what should be happening, would be happening.

I swallowed thickly and again fought the urge to run over and wrap myself around him. He was still in the doorway, his knuckles whitening as they pressed into the frame; I thought - hoped - he might be fighting the same urge. I turned a bit too hastily to look natural and began pulling down plates.

"It'll still be a few minutes…I mean…if you want to clean up first."

He smiled softly but stayed where he was for a moment looking around, almost as if he were committing it to memory, as if he'd never seen his own kitchen before.

Edward quietly disappeared and soon I heard the shower. I turned and busied myself with setting the table. Then I folded napkins. Took the lasagna to the table. Filled drinks. Washed my face. I'd run out of things to do, the food was getting cold, and there was no sign of Edward. I was sorely tempted to refold the napkins into jaunty little chef hats - well, if I knew how to do so – but I decided to go see what was keeping him instead.

Thumps and clanks could be heard as I approached the bedroom.

"Edward?" The bedroom was empty. More shuffling. "Edward? Where are you?"

The closet door swung open and Edward stepped out with his damp hair in disarray and carrying a stack of small boxes. He winked at me and slid them under the bed.

"You're just in time," he said, and took my hand pulling me toward the closet.

"Edward, the food is getting cold."

"Really?"

"Really."

He looked around quickly and bit his lip. "Sorry, I guess I got carried away." He pulled me into the closet and for a moment, the scent of soap and Edward swirling in his wake. _Yum. __That stupid food I just spent three hours cooking can get as cold as ice if he's going to initiate this closet with me. _

I stopped short when I saw how barren the closet was.

Or, half barren, more appropriately.

"The right side has space for longer clothes, like dresses, so I thought you'd want that side." The closet, half empty shelves and racks, that looked as though it was bigger than my entire bedroom. My mouth hung open and before I knew it Edward had kissed my quickly and was already pulling me toward the bathroom.

"These can be yours," he said, pulling out cavernous drawers under sink. He began opening and closing doors and drawers excitedly. "And I don't really care which sink is mine. Oh!" He yanked me out into the hallway and swung open a closet door. "Towels are in here…but, well they don't have to be. I mean, we can put them somewhere else. And …why are you looking at me like that?"

I opened my mouth and no sounds came out.

"Baby," he said. A concerned look came over his face. "What's wrong? You can put stuff anywhere you want."

"It's not that. I just…um…well…are you asking me to leave some stuff here?"

"No." He squeezed my and gently and laughed.

_Oh._

_Awkward._

"I wasn't asking you to 'leave some stuff here.' I want you leave all your stuff here. All the time." He pulled me against him and held me, kissing the top of my head.

"Bella, what did you think the key was for?" He spoke softly against my skin. His hand crept lower until it was on the small of my back, until we were pressed together.

I had a fleeting memory of something to do with red sauce and ricotta cheese, but it was vague and I decided it wasn't really all that important as he began to pull my shirt over my head.

_I guess we're initiating the linen closet._

…

…

**A/N:**

That's where I really wanted to leave that chapter.

But, I am aware that it's not the longest chapter ever and since the update has taken forever and a day, I want to thank you for coming back and reading. Hopefully a preview of next chapter will suffice as a sort of "thanks."

Here goes:

A few feet in front of me, out past the scented oils and candles and through the converted farmhouse doors, I could see Esme sitting on the steps with one arm around the other woman. Esme was lightly running her hand up and down her back, soothing her, comforting her, welcoming her. Loving her.

They appeared to be watching an oblivious Edward carry Seth around the fields; Edward talking and pointing to the blueberries and different plants.

It wasn't my intention to eavesdrop. I kept telling myself I had every right to be there. I certainly had more rights than Tanya to be there. _I'm that the damned Maid of Honor, after all._ _I'm supposed to help with all these details._

But, Tanya certainly seemed more welcome to some folks.

I was expected to come out and meet with Esme and Rose. I looked again around rather desperately for Rose and saw no sign of her.

As I got closer to the doors, the women's voice carried back to me.

"It will all be fine in the end, Tanya dear. I know it's hard now. He leaves, but he always comes back. This time...there's a simply slightly different hurdle."

Tanya sighed deeply. "His 'phases' are never my favorite. How many oats can one man need to sow?"

I paused on the threshold.

_Am I a phase? An oat? _

Esme appeared to take a deep breath and then stood. I watched her back as she began to descend the stairs. "Sweetie, Carlisle wasn't successful in convincing me that this time is any different, and you won't be able to either. All Edward needs is closure. Did you bring that book of yours?"

Tanya managed a light laugh. "Yes, my trusty wedding planning notebook is right here in all its swatch and seating chart glory."

"Good. That should help put things into perspective for…everyone," Esme said, and without looking back she disappeared into the fields.

Still standing mute in the doorway, I tried to come up with any explanation for their discussion other than the one that kept raging in my mind: there was a discreet plan to make me feel uncomfortable enough to leave Edward.

"Hello Isabella," Tanya said without looking at me, without taking her eyes off Edward. "Are you learning yet? Did that help you figure out how insignificant you truly are?"

_Maybe "discreet plan" wasn't the right term._

…_._

**Please vote & I'd love to hear what you think of these developments.**

**Oh, and by the by, there are only 2-3 more chapters in this little tale, btw. **

**An epi if people want it. Let me know.**

**So, those issues with Jasper and Tanya and Esme and Seth and money and moving and Angela and Rose's wedding and Bella & Edward…yeah – these are all going to be coming to a head. Does that tell you anything? ;)**


	17. Chapter 17 When it Rains

**A/N: **I truly want to thank everyone who follows this story. You readership, comments, and support mean so very much to me.

Here we go….

…

**Chapter 17 – When it Rains…**

Green trees blurred past the car window as Esme wove our way down the highway to Cedarbrook Farm. The backseat of any car had always left me a bit susceptible to motion sickness; however, the nausea I felt at that moment had more to do with the atmosphere than the car ride.

"Do you suppose they'll let us set up a tent for the reception?" Rose asked, as she picked at the window seal on the passenger door.

"Sweetie, they'll do whatever you want," Esme crooned, the wheel slipping fluidly under her hands. "Being a major investor affords certain privileges." She winked and reassuringly patted Rose's arm, then cast a quick, flat glance at me in the rearview mirror. "You're already like a daughter to me, Rose…anyone would be after all these years."

The car took another little dip in the road, but even without it, I probably still would feel as though I'd left my stomach behind.

I wished I'd stayed behind, back safely snuggled into Edward's bed. Our bed. Where I'd been so content just a few hours earlier.

_"Is that your phone? Is that what keeps buzzing?" Edward said through a yawn. He stretched until his fingertips grazed the headboard, then just a bit more until they curved backward slightly. _

_"No." I curled, further, into the crook of his arm and shook my head against his shoulder, feigning ignorance. "Maybe it's yours…or an earthquake…." My voice echoed around between his skin and mattress. "…or the wings of doves."_

_ "You sound like you'd prefer the earthquake," he laughed, and began to reach around me for the phone._

_ I shifted quickly and blocked him, my breast colliding with his hand. _

_ "That's not fair," he said, and lingered there before leaning in to press his lips to mine. _

"_Maybe it's raccoons," he spoke against my lips._

_I shoved him away and rolled my eyes as I grabbed the phone. It appeared as though I might never live those damned baked goods down. _

"_It's Rose. She wants me to help with the wedding today."_

"_Well, that works out, since I need to drive up and get Seth today." He shifted slightly in the bed, probably trying to gauge my reaction, but managed to make me notice his. He looked anxious. "Unless…I mean, you're welcome to come with me."_

"_Nah," I kissed his forehead and hopped out of bed. "I think I'll pass on that for now."_

_Suddenly, wedding planning with Rose sounded like a stellar idea; I really had no desire to meet the infamous Tanya face-to-face yet. _

_A day with Rose might be just what the doctor ordered._

…

The doctor, however, hadn't said anything about potential side effects; wedding planning included a day with Esme.

It wasn't so much that I minded Esme. Rather, it was a case of Esme having clearly decided that she minded me.

From the front seat, Rose cast a wary glance at me. It had taken few sticky, double-sided comments from Esme before Rose broke out of her wedding planning stupor and began to send silent little apologies my way. There really was little she could do at that point and no call to do so at any rate; everything was so sweetly spoken, like maple syrup laced with arsenic.

Rose took control of the conversation and kept Esme on topic with discussions about flowers and dress lengths. I made agreeable sounds when appropriate. Mostly, I thought about how Edward and I really needed to talk about what living together might mean, how I'd be able to contribute.

About ten minutes before the turn to the farm, my phone buzzed. It was an hour old message from Edward; there had been no signal for much of the drive. Rose began to say something to me, but I held my hand up to ask her to wait as I listened to the message. I watched her face fall into concern. Undoubtedly, she was reacting to what she saw on my own face. Edward was meeting us at the farm. With Tanya.

I listened to it again, in the hope that I'd misunderstood, that he really wasn't, somehow, on a long car ride with his recent ex in tow.

"There's nothing to worry about…but, I thought you should know," Edward's voice played back to me again. "When I got here, Tanya said she'd been just been invited down and hoped I'd let her ride along. I'm not really comfortable with it, but I'm still hoping to keep things pleasant. I hope you understand." He paused for a moment. It sounded as though he cleared his throat. "Really wish we were talking about this instead of me leaving a message.

"She also said that she needs to move away to finish her degree. I, um, I don't want to miss Seth growing up… Please let me know when you get this." I've never heard him sound so nervous. Then, another pause. "I love you."

_I'd gladly listen to the last bit of that again and again. The first part…not so much._

"Everything okay, Bella?" Rose was still turned in the seat as I closed the phone after sending a not entirely accurate colon and parenthesis text message.

"Everything's great, Rose," I shook it off and pulled out a spare smile I'd been saving for a rainy day. "No worries. It's your day. Let's get your wedding planned."

The car pulled into the farm and parked. Rose smiled softly, a bit too knowingly, but didn't pry. She knew me, perhaps better than anyone. I didn't fool myself into thinking that I was off the hook. She planned to grill me for answers when Esme wasn't around.

Rose wouldn't need to bother.

"Here were are. Oh, and it looks like we're just in time," Esme said, and waved a greeting toward a car a few spots away. "Edward and Tanya just arrived with their baby."

_And the hits just keep on coming…_

We left the car and Rose grabbed my hand and squeezed solidly. On foot, we followed Esme as she quickly advanced on a woman getting out of Edward's car. They embraced warmly. At first I didn't see Edward, but then I realized he was in the back seat unfastening Seth from his car seat.

"Bella, it's going to be fine. That little guy can't help but love you. Now, I'm going to run on up to get started. Take your time," Rose said. "Oh, did you bring that ring? I want to show them the color we're going for." She held out her hand.

I rolled my eyes at her obsession with the fugly thing and plunked it into her eager paw.

It was not at all how I hoped meeting Seth would go. I'd pictured a sweet little exchange and we'd sit and play on the floor with trucks or blocks or whatever little 15 month old boys enjoyed. Possibly him pulling my hair at some point. Definitely some Teddy Grahams in the mix.

Ignoring the chattering exchange between Esme and the woman…Tanya… I made my way around the Volvo just as Edward emerged with the small boy perched on his arm.

Instantly, I knew that I had seen Seth before. _Of course._

"Hey you, there's someone I want you to meet." Edward beamed. "This is Bella."

Seth might've said something about zebras or the Keebler elves.

"Yes, great job. She's 'Bella.'" Edward said, and placed a hand on my shoulder.

Edward darted his eyes over to where Esme and Tanya were talking. "I hadn't thought about her needing to relocate for school. I don't know how that's going to work. I guess…I guess you and I…we need to talk."

I pursed my lips for a moment. He was worried I wouldn't want to move, but I suddenly see a world of possibilities. Options. A different kind of job. An advanced degree. Just…us.

His look was so wary. As if he thought it might be a deal breaker. As if I wouldn't do it, even if it were a sacrifice. Which it might be. There's no guarantee of a good job, of any job. Going back to school would be a burden. I wasn't sure of anything…except that I would do anything for him.

"Whatever it takes."

Edward's eyes widened at my words.

"Yes, I mean it," I said, and I knew I meant it. "Whatever it takes to make it work." I didn't need question whether I'd move or not move or make cross country trips.

Edward looked relieved, but not entirely. "I'm not sure what's even possible. I think I'm going to have to ask my parents for help with the house. I really didn't ever want to do that."

"We can head out now, if you want."

I smiled and shook my head. "No, I need to get used to it, right? No time like the present." I did my best to sound positive and unaffected. But, I couldn't help thinking that Tanya's sudden appearance seemed rather forced.

Edward frowned slightly. "I'm going to walk Seth around until you're ready to go. I won't be far if you…" He glanced warily over at the women again. "Well, if you change your mind."

Seth began gesturing wildly toward the flowers. Edward kissed his little fist, saying, "Just a minute, Buddy.

"What's that look? What are you thinking?" Edward said, and looked back at me. Seth nuzzled shyly into his neck, but kept sneaking peaks at me and then giggling.

"It's just," I said, and softly ran and down Seth's arm to test the waters. "I saw his pictures that night when I came for dinner at your parents' house. I…I'd thought they were your pictures." _Why didn't I figure it out then?_

A darkness past over Edward. "There are no baby pictures left of Em and me. We lost everything …when mom died."

Edward had rarely spoken of his mother. I knew she'd been gone since even before I'd met him. I was about to ask Edward to tell me more about here when an unfamiliar voice spoke loudly, demanding our attention.

"We made good time. As always."

Edward ducked back into the car for Seth's bag.

Esme laughed. "Oh, yes, Edward's very fast. Which reminds me, have you met Isabella?"

…

While Edward walked Seth around the grounds, Rose and I finalized the cabin reservations for the night before the wedding, the tent rental, and the flowers that the farm could provide themselves. Esme stepped in on pricing matters, but mostly hovered around Tanya, _oo-ing_ and _ah-ing_ over the farmhouse items and sniffing candles. Tanya did an excellent job of looking like she was pretending not to look at me.

Every so often, their conversation would drift into the room Rose and I were in.

"Woo, smell this one, Esme."

"Oh, French Vanilla."

"You know how much I love French Vanilla."

Esme giggled. Tittered even. "You just love when you hear French."

Tanya's voice, softer, but still bell clear, rung out. "Shh! Esme you're terrible. I can't believe I ever told you about that. Edward was just so…passionate when he broke out the French and I…"

_French? I didn't even know he knew it…_

A pause.

Rose shoved some samples in front of me, no doubt trying to distract me.

"There now, Dear," Esme cooed. "What's this? This necklace…isn't that your ring?"

Tanya sniffled. "They wouldn't take them back…since they're engraved."

A vision of matched gleaming, golden bands burst into my mind.

"Bella," Rose said softly after a moment. "You can go ahead and leave with Edward if you want. I mean, I know this is awkward and I'm not at all pleased how her visit was sprung on us. I can handle it from here."

The details were pretty well in order. I considered her offer for a moment.

"Rose, I want to do this with you. I don't want to get pushed out of anyone's life - my own life - just because it's uncomfortable. But, I think I've had enough for now. Are you sure you don't mind?"

She pursed her lips and nodded. "Okay, Sweets. I understand. You know I wouldn't offer if I didn't mean it," Rose laughed, and left to go discuss menu plans with the farm's little restaurant.

I wandered out into the main store area toward the garden.

A few feet in front of me, out past the scented oils and candles and through the converted farmhouse doors, I could see Esme sitting on the steps with one arm around the other woman. Esme was lightly running her hand up and down her back, soothing her, comforting her, welcoming her. Loving her.

They appeared to be watching an oblivious Edward carry Seth around the fields; Edward was talking and pointing to the blueberries and different plants.

It wasn't my intention to eavesdrop. I kept telling myself I had every right to be there. I certainly had more rights than Tanya to be there. _I'm that the damned Maid of Honor, after all._ _I'm supposed to help with all these details._

But, Tanya certainly seemed more welcome to some folks.

As I got closer to the doors, the women's voice carried back to me.

"It will all be fine in the end, Tanya dear. I know it's hard now. He leaves, but he always comes back. This time...there's simply a slightly different hurdle."

Tanya sighed deeply. "His 'phases' are never my favorite. How many oats can one man need to sow?"

I paused on the threshold.

_Am I a phase? An oat? _

Esme appeared to take a deep breath and then stood. I watched her back as she began to descend the stairs. "Sweetie, Carlisle wasn't successful in convincing me that this break up is any different, and you won't be able to either. All Edward needs is closure. Did you bring that book of yours?"

Tanya managed a light laugh. "Yes, my trusty wedding planning notebook is right here in all its swatch and seating chart glory."

"Good. That should help put things into perspective for…everyone," Esme said, and without looking back she disappeared into the fields.

Still standing mute in the doorway, I tried to come up with any explanation for their discussion other than the one that kept raging in my mind: there was a discreet plan to make me feel uncomfortable enough to leave Edward.

"Hello Isabella," Tanya said without looking at me, without taking her eyes off Edward. "Are you learning yet? Did that help you figure out how insignificant you truly are?"

She had known I was standing there; she knew I could hear what they were talking about.

_Maybe "discreet plan" wasn't the right term._

…_.._

"Turn around and check on him all you want, but he's fine back there. I promise."

"I know, but it seems like he'd be lonely. Like someone should sit back there with him."

"Honestly, it used to bother me. But now that he's forward-facing, I don't mind. He's happy." Edward made eye contact with Seth's reflection in the rear view mirror. "That's right isn't? You love car rides."

The toy driver's console took a beating under Seth's masterful hands.

"Bella," Edward said, his voice was much softer than a moment earlier. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shrugged. _ No, I do not want to talk about it. I do not want to tell you that your ex is channeling Alanis Morrisette. I don't want to tell you that Esme is as lovely as any Disney stepmother. And, I really, really, really don't want hear you to translate Lady Marmalade._

"Bella, please talk to me." Edward placed his hand over mine briefly before returning to the ten and two o'clock positions.

_Hey, no fair with the "please" and the personal contact…_

"Your mother hates me."

Edward did a silent double take. "What? Esme? What makes you say that?"

I folded my arms across my chest and stared out the window. "Not that I blame her, really. I mean, of course she'd care about Tanya. She's like a daughter to her. You know, after all these years." I couldn't keep my voice from leaning on the final words.

Edward drove quietly for several minutes. Just when I was about to give in and ask him to say something, anything, he began to talk about the last thing I expected: his mother. He said she'd died in a house fire and his father had built their house in Forks – his mother's dream house – and moved what was left of their family there. "I don't even remember exactly what she looked like. There was nothing left after the fire. Dad poured everything into the new house. He went overboard on everything. He over-indulged Emmett and me.

"I kind of resented him for it. For never reigning us in. For trying to give us everything but limits…as if that made up for not having her anymore.

"And , as much as I looked back and see how skewed that was, it didn't prevent me from following in his footsteps and pouring every cent I got from my mother's insurance into my house….just to have something tangible to associate with her."

Edward sighed bitterly. "You know, all I really remember about my mother was her reading to me at night and a comment she made once when Tanya's family as visiting." He stared blankly down the road. "She and Tanya's mother were joking about how cute we would be together…what a great couple we made. While Tanya and I were playing with Play-Doh, she was arranging a marriage.

"I mean, I know that she was only kidding in the way that parents do…but I can't tell you how often that played back in my mind…those few words that were her own, not from a book."

I realized I was holding my breath, afraid to interrupt him, afraid to hear any more, afraid not to.

"When Esme came along, she was the first time I felt 'parented.' There were only ever a few times we couldn't walk all over my Dad. Usually, those times had to do with Esme.

"She's a loving person. She's going to love you when she gives herself the chance." He looked at me in a reassuring way. "But, if she's making you uncomfortable, she's just going to have to get used to it and honor the choice I've made."

I opened my mouth a few times to say something, but I really didn't have a good idea of anything appropriate to say.

As it turned out, I didn't need to say anything; Edward changed the subject.

"I didn't think we'd end up talking about all that today," he began, "I thought you'd had some sort of encounter with Tanya."

I stifled a laugh. "Tanya? Oh, no. She's a peach. The very model of decorum and timidity."

Edward gave a crooked smile and raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure you actually met her?" He said teasingly.

"Yes, I met her Edward," I turned in the seat to face him. "Oh my god, Edward. She is vile." He laughed but I took some consolation in that fact that he didn't even begin to contradict me.

"I mean," I said, and tried to gain hold of my temper, "on the one hand, I can't blame her for being bitter. But, to be so, so…conniving? To say things when she knew I could hear her? To act so proper but then actually discuss the intimate details of your sex life with your mother? To-"

"Say what?" Edward's voice cracked.

"Oh, don't be shy, Edward. You've got so many hidden talents, 'n'est pas?"

"Huh?"

"S'il vous plaît?"

"What are you on about?"

"Well, I think I'm all tapped out on the French. Any chance you want to teach me some? Tanya says you're very _passionate_ about it."

Pursing his lips and grabbing the wheel a little tighter than need be, Edward took a long breath in through flared nostrils. "I don't speak French."

"Tanya would beg to differ."

"Tanya has a talent for believing what she wants to believe."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Bella, I don't really want to talk about why she might think that. Suffice it to say, it's not my finest moment."

Unable to restrain myself entirely, I vented my frustration and feelings of inadequacy into my lap. _What was she able to do to elicit that kind of response from him? _

"Bella, I couldn't understand you." 

I huffed, "Tanya seems to think that 'your finest moments' involve French."

"Christ, are we really going to do this?" He ran his palms around on the wheel. I said nothing to dissuade him. "I would lapse into some fake French accent and say "bebe" a lot if I accidently said your name during sex."

_Say wha-?_

I couldn't look at him. If I looked at him, he'd see my bottom lip trembling. I turned my faced out the window.

"Bella, are you crying?"

I shook my head.

Shortly, my whole body had began to quake.

"Edward," I gasped out on a shallow breath, then I could hold back no longer and began to laugh. "Oh, Edward, that is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard."

"I'm glad that you find my shame so amusing."

"It's the best news I've had all day." Then, I couldn't resist adding, "Merci."

…

_Fuzz outlines all the edge of everything I see. I am nearly positive I'm dreaming. Everything looks as though it's got Vaseline on the lens, like it's the close-up shot of an aging soap opera diva._

_ I'm walking into the store. I know I'm going to see Edward behind the counter._

_ I'm wearing the dress Alice gave me and my apron from the diner. And my galoshes. And what looks for all the world to be a vintage Police concert tee. Synchronicity era._

_ I look certifiable. I hope I'm right about this being a dream._

_ In slow-mo, I round the corner to the pharmacy._

_ Alice is already there. She's talking on her phone and eating from a bag marked "Kanye's Chicken Strip Emporium."_

_ Edward is transfixed by the computer screen. He doesn't see me._

_ I look at Alice. She keeps talking on the phone, but swings her arm toward the counter, encouraging me._

_ I move forward to the counter. Nothing. _

_ I cough. Nothing. _

_He doesn't notice me._

_ I place my hands on the counter. _

_ "Can I help you, ma'am?" He doesn't look away from the screen._

_ "Edward, it's me."_

_ Slowly, as if it's a great inconvenience, he turns his face to me. _

_ "Didn't we used to work together?"_

_ Only then do I see his hand. The ring. A single gold band on one finger. It's dull. _

_Aged. _

_Worn._

_ Worn for years. He's worn it for years._

_ Suddenly, I'm on the counter and pulling at the ring like Gollum in depths of Mount Doom. _

_We tip and fall against a set of shelves. Pills cascade down around us. Like a pastel waterfall. Like the worst tasting Skittles rainbow._

_ I yank the ring off and fling it. Alice yelps._

_ Edward's eyes are wide with shock. I crash my lips to his and it's like kissing air. _

_ Because it is._

_ He's gone. _

_ And all I see in front of me is Alice. She's rubbing a red mark on her temple and holds something out to me in her hand._

_ "Did you lose something?"_

_ She's holding the Blessing Ring._

I awoke to the sound of my own huge intake of air as I sat bolt upright in bed. Panting.

Edward stirred beside me. Seth was sound asleep in his portable crib.

My heart raced. I slid out of bed and splashed my face with water. I ignored my reflection.

"Bella…" Edward's voice barely carried across the room as I approached the bed.

"Miss you…"

_Is he asleep or awake? It's so hard to tell._

"Are you okay?" _Awake it is._

"Yes." My voice didn't sound as convincing as I wanted it to.

He folded me into his warm arms. "Bad dream?"

_How does he do that?_

"Yes."

He kissed me softly, then made love to me. He never mentioned how strange it was when I wrapped my whole hand around and clung to his bare ring finger.

….

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" Edward said, and packed another outfit into Seth's bag. I wasn't sure why there had been the pretense of unpacking it in the first place. It had been barely over twenty-four hours since we left the farm.

"I was hoping you could tell me." I laughed, and handed him a Scooby ball. "He likes this, right?"

"Yeah, that's a favorite." He tucked the ball into a side pocket. "We're just putting in an appearance, right? I'll talk to Dad and Esme about helping with the mortgage, hopefully only for a couple of months.

That was not something I'd thought about. Of course he wouldn't want to sell the house…even if he could in this market.

My contemplation must show on my face. He explains, "It's only because of moving expenses. I'll have to start someplace new. Pay cut. And we don't know about you…school, job, whatever."

"So, I'll swallow my pride and ask for a hand-out." His laugh was forced, a nervous edge. "Then ,just one family dinner/wedding plans meeting or whatever the heck you call it and then we can come back home?"

I scooped Seth up off the floor and he squealed with glee as I spun us around once.

"Sure. It's just a family dinner. How bad can it be?"

…_._

"Alice wanted me to tell you that she misses you," Jasper said, and took another sip of his drink. The Cullens, soon-to-be-Cullen Rose, and hadn't-quite-come-to-grips-with-not-becoming-a-Cullen Tanya were all gathered in the front room discussing reception music.

I found myself in the kitchen with Jasper after my overwhelming urge to get a drink coincided with Tanya whipping out her ideal list of songs from her wedding planner and saying, "Here, Rose. Someone might as well get some use out of it." Rose had stiffly replied, "I'll pass."

Alice had been so scare lately, I'd barely registered that she was amiss. "Well, thank you Jasper," I noted that while he was more pleasant with me than ever before, his eyes were definitely fixed on Tanya. Studying her. Watching her. It seemed observatory and predatory at the same time. "Will Alice be joining us later?"

Jasper blinked out of his trained gaze on Tanya. "Um, no. Actually, she's at dinner with Angela."

That earned him a rather pointed look.

He swallowed and for the first time in my recollection, looked sheepish. "I guess you might call it the meeting of my past and present." He swallowed again, hard. "Though, I'm not sure which is which anymore.

"And, before you ask, yes, they both know."

I nodded, not so much in agreement, but taking it all in.

"It doesn't always work out the way you think you want it to." Jasper chugged back the rest of his drink.

"Hey, what are you two doing in here? Bonding?" Edward ducked into the kitchen and rummaged around in the refrigerator.

_Well, I haven't felt like showing him his own pulsing spleen yet, so guess we can chalk this up to bonding..._

Jasper and I both shrugged. He went back to staring a hole in Tanya and Edward walked with me out of the kitchen. I noticed that he never took anything from the fridge.

…..

"Aw, c'mon Rose. You know none of this matters to me."

"If you think you're getting out of dancing with me even at our own wedding reception, you're sorely mistaken."

From behind the sofa, I watched Emmett and Rose spar sweetly with one another while several others thumbed through discs. Intermittently, music would punctuate the air as songs were "tried out."

"For what it's worth, I'm very glad to…" Carlisle spoke softly as he came to stand beside me. "I'm just glad, let's leave it at that." We watched Seth climb into Edward's lap.

"Thank you," I sighed softly.

"Here, why don't you come let grandpa tuck you in?" Carlisle reached over took Seth from Edward. Edward placed a disc in the player and took me by the hand, leading me outside to the upper deck.

"You Look Wonderful Tonight" was barely audible through the closed doors, but that didn't hinder him from pulling me close in the chill and, under a star canopy, he began to dance with me.

"It's beautiful," I said.

Edward hummed into my hair. "What is?"

"The night. The garden."

Edward chuckled. "I had to rebuild that whole garden right around the time I met you."

"Really?" I left my arms around his waist, but leaned back to look at him. I could've sworn he looked embarrassed.

He shrugged off whatever he was thinking. "We'd had a stupid party. Everything got torn up." He looked at me. "It all worked out. I mean, it was a huge mess and a lot of work, but it was okay. It distracted me from obsessing about you….or I tried to make it do so." He laughed again and drew me back in.

I was going to ask him what he meant when the music stopped suddenly.

"I swear to god, if you don't check yourself Tanya, I will do it for you!" Jasper looked like it as all he could do not to shove Tanya.

We opened the door to see Esme pacing the room. "What on earth is going on?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Just a misunderstanding." Tanya smoothed her hair.

"If by 'misunderstanding' you mean 'called out on your bullshit,' then sure," Jasper spat.

"Jasper!" Esme practically shouted.

"If she wants to go around making snide comments that's one thing – and not a highly respectable thing – but to just out-right lie for pity? To try to play Edward off like some insensitive asshole?"

I was rooted to the spot. I could not believe my ears.

"What the Hell is going on?" Edward asked.

"Well, not content with constantly reminding everyone that she's spent more time that anyone ever should planning a wedding, Tanya started whining when she noticed you two dancing.

"She said it was 'your song' and how much it hurt that you'd dance to it in front of her."

I looked at Edward. He looked confused. "We don't have a song."

Esme clapped her hands together. "Well, let's just move on. If it's their song, he doesn't remember, so-"

"It's not their song," Jasper interrupted. "I've had a song that I associate with…someone…for a long, long time, and I can guarantee you'd see me get upset during the very first few notes…not just later on when I noticed that my ex was dancing to it."

"I simply don't see what the big deal is," Esme said.

"Of course you don't," Edward said through his teeth. "I need to talk with you and Dad. Now." He looked at me and then Jasper. Jasper nodded his head once. Esme and Edward went to find Carlisle.

I don't know what possessed me, but I found myself speaking to Tanya. "I really was hoping that we could be friendly, if not friends. It would make everything so mu-"

"Spare me," Tanya waved me off. "It's like I've shared my relationship with you for years. If I never get him back, at least I can finally break up with you."

…

"Under no circumstances whatsoever," Esme's voice echoed from down the hall.

Jasper fidgeted across from me on the sofa. Neither of us had been successful in pretending not to hear their escalating discussion.

Mercifully, Tanya had disappeared shortly after her intended audience.

"It's only because of moving expenses. I'll have to start someplace new. You realize what you're doing, right? I could lose the house," Edward sounded broken.

Softer sounds followed that I could only assume were Carlisle mediating.

"Is she sponging off you? You really expect me to help you shack up with her? I will not help you throw your life away Edward."

I felt sweat gather on the back of my neck. The hostility. I wasn't prepared for the hostility. Jasper didn't seem to be handling to tension very well; his kept running circle over his thighs. Another outburst from Edward was all it took. "I need to step out for a smoke."

After a few more barbs, their voices died down.

"Well, I never thought I'd see the day. The Cullens fighting?" Tanya materialized at the end of the sofa. "Always cookies and milk with them. Baseball and apple pie. Always so…family oriented," she purred.

"I know what you're doing."

"Do you now?" She batted a throw pillows tassel. "And what would that be?"

"Oh, now we're going to talk?"

"How about you just listen?"

"You don't have anything to say that I want to hear."

"Oh, Sweetie, I don't doubt that. But hear it you will. You need to hear it."

I stood up and wished I had some way to leave.

"You just wreak havoc wherever you go. Or, even where you don't, it seems. His family fighting. You've come between Edward and his life-long best friend. His house…

"And now," she hissed, "you're about to make him choose between you and his son."

_Oh my god…it is. Esme's not going to help him. Because of me, she's not going to help him. He's going to have to either lose the house or stay behind. _

"Don't worry, though. I'll make sure that he gets pictures.

"You know, Bella. I don't doubt that you love him. Do you love him enough? Do you have anything to give him or do you only take? Are you a taker? Do you love him enough to make sacrifices? I have." Tanya stared, bored into me. "Every step of the way. I made the first moves. I waited for him. I had his child."

I knew what it would take to be with him and I Made. It. Happen." Her hand slapped the sofa arm as she spoke. "Do you really think you're right for him? Then why is it this hard on him?

"Love is work, Bella. Sacrifice and work.

"I think Edward's been wrong about you all this time. You're actually quite selfish."

….

_Selfish._

_A taker. _

_Selfish._

The intake of air bordered on unmanageable. Like race horse blinders, fuzzy whiteness closed in around my vision.

I didn't know how long ago she'd left.

It could've been seconds or minutes. She might've still been watching me.

I wasn't even sure I was still in the living room. I braced myself on the wall. I might've been bent over.

"Bella?" A voice…Angela? No. _No…she's not even here. _"Bella? Are you feeling alright?" Carlisle?

I didn't know and it didn't matter. It was all past life, non-life for me.

I managed to nod my head. I straightened and in more effort to retain some smidgen of pride that I probably didn't deserve to keep, I slipped from the voice's concerned grasp.

I had to get out of there.

_Leave._

_Leave._

_ Love. _

_ Leave._

Love means leaving. Sometimes.

…

Night wind's chill bit at my legs. I pressed on. A remnant logical vestige of my brain knew it was reckless to be out in the woods alone at night, even if I would was only a short trip to Edward's house.

A short trip to my truck. My truck would make it all go away.

And my truck would take me away.

_To where I need to be._

_Wherever that is._

Because, if anything had ever lined-up in my life to show me a clear path, it was that I was meant to move on. Whether it was to Denver, or Seattle, or anywhere but here.

Anywhere but here.

What was every song for Edward, was every single thing I would had been seeing and would continue to see every single day. Every building, every tree, every person was something I would associate with when I loved him…because I had always loved him. Always would.

My foot slipped slightly on the rain-slicked road.

The music from the Cullens' house had long ago faded into the distance; all that could be heard were insect serenades between my determined breaths.

Broken, distorted images of Edward flashed. A collage.

His smile. A wet t-shirt.

Climbing stairs of Rose's place.

His throat and shoulders in rhythmic movements above me.

I blinked them away. Again and again. Blink.

A shot, a still, something I never saw, a vision of Tanya holding her son and Edward coming up behind her, arms encircling them both.

My mind's eye stared at it.

Stared hard.

And held on.

One foot, in front of the other. Breathe in. One more step. Breathe out. Then another.

_I'll make this happen. I'll get myself where I need to be._

A different, quiet, stagnant part of me – part I didn't want to acknowledge was there, that frightened me to flirt with – was not as frightened by the wood's terrors as I should be.

They might have brought me a release.

And it was that realization, that knowledge, that I'd lost my commitment to self, to the preservation of self, that spurred me down the road. Away.

I imagined it would take me a good, long while to make the trip by foot. But, whatever the length, it had to be better than the slow torture of witnessing everything back there.

Outcast.

_Homewrecker._

Jab. Jab.

Jab.

I stabbed the keys into my truck door as soon as I reached it.

An engine rev grew behind me. I considered lying down in the seat. The lights threw my shadow onto the windshield before I'd finished the thought.

I'd thought I could slip away undetected.

Like so many other things, I'd been wrong.

Behind me, the car rolled to a stop. There was no point in hiding; I would end up confronting everything very soon, in that car.

_I need to just get this over with. Rip the Band-Aid and all that._

I turned slowly and saw Edward step out in front of the headlights.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't get realize," Edward said as he approached me.

My mind raced at his words, leaping, and my heart swelled with a desperate hope. A swell of relief that he already knew, that whatever we were could go away…unconfronted.

We could part quietly, amicably…irrevocably.

I silently let him guide me back to the car. He opened the door and I slid in. I noticed Seth was asleep in his car seat. The heater blew directly on me but I barely registered the temperature change from outside.

"Edward." My voice broke. "You're blocking my truck."

Confusion colored his features.

"Wha-…wait." His brow knit together, his chest rose and fell in quick succession.

"Wait….wait." Edward shook his head, his eyes blinking rapidly. Even though he was sitting, his arms were in up in front of him as if he looked to brace himself before a fall to the dirt. His focus darted back and forth; he studied the back of his outstretched hands and fingers.

His breath faltered and a slow, stuttered sucking noise passed through his parted lips.

"Wait."

He asked, so I waited. I could give him this. I was going to give him…to give up so much more. To wait was the simplest of biddings.

He shifted just enough to look toward me, but past me. His eyes were unfocused. He appeared to look through me and out the window.

"Are you… are you leaving me?" I heard him swallow. His voice breathy whispers. "You're trying to leave?"

"I'm not just trying."

I felt my lower lip begin to vibrate, to betray me.

The heated air burned my throat as I drew it in.

But, I wasn't going to betray myself. Or Edward.

For once, in the moment, I was going to do the right thing.

"It's too much." I bit out the words. "It's not supposed to be this hard. I've been fooling myself for so long… I didn't realize I'd become a true fool."

"Bella, you have to know-"

"No, Edward, _you _have to know that this is impossible. Insurmountable. And, I've…I've been unforgivable."

I folded my arms tighter around my chest, willing myself to stay in the seat, to finish this moment, to do the right thing for once. To actually do what I knew needed doing. I loved him with more than my whole heart, with my every cell, and I always would. I needed to let that love be enough to do right by him…finally...to let him go, to shove him away, and let this part of myself go, this little fantasy of what I wanted so badly for so long that I never thought once about whether I should want it or not.

It wasn't right to want him. Maybe it was once, but not any longer. No longer.

It wasn't our time.

I should never have been so weak.

I became acutely aware of the encroaching darkness. The sun had slipped under the horizon and the interior lights of the car began to glow a sickly green.

"Sometimes, things aren't meant to be-"

"Bella, we're meant-"

"No! Don't say it. Do not say it." I felt my fingers dig into my palms. "If we ever were, we missed our chance. Sometimes, things line up…the stars align." The gust of bitter a laugh escaped me. "Sometimes, they shoot right past.

"We're past, Edward. Past.

"You have a present Edward. I should have stayed out of it, out of your life. You've built a life without me. Edward, you…made a life without me. Your own life…and the one you created. I can't, I never…"

Edward's uneven breaths echoed in the car, but I couldn't allow myself to look at him again. I focused on the door handle, then the leather's grain, then its veins.

"You're so close to it…to having it…and I'm…" I struggled to find the right words. I bit my lip and felt a tiny piece of flesh tear loose. "I'm not part of what you're meant to be."

I heard Edward take a low, slow breath and release it. When he spoke, his voice was a broken whisper. "I'm meant to be with you. We're meant to be."

I licked my lips again, and tasted the faint tint of blood from my recent abuse still lingering there.

"How can you think that? Even now, with everything you have, everything you could have? Edward, you deserve the life you made."

"Bella, I've loved you for so long…I don't know anything else." He squeezed the steering wheel, wringing his hands around it. "I've been in love with you longer than I even knew my mother."

"Jasper told me about college - all the courses you took and the books you read. You said you couldn't love Tanya, that you still loved me, that girl from the diner." Everything blurred and I wiped my sleeve under my eyes. "Don't you think the ghost of me has stolen enough of your life?

"Go live Edward."

He sat still, blank eyes boring a whole into the center of the dashboard.

"Edward, you need to be who you are."

His head snapped toward me, but his gaze remained lowered. "Loving you is what makes me who I am."

I squeezed my eyes shut. The green hue and shadows still played behind my closed lids.

"You're the biggest influence in my life. My…beacon." His voice grew quieter still. "I've loved you longer than I ever knew my mother."

"I can't take credit for you Edward. I take blame." I open my eyes and looked at him for the first time since we got in this car. "You're strong, but you've suffered. If I'd had a single ounce of bravery in high school, I wouldn't have left everything riding on you. I wouldn't have left it to you to make all the moves. I'd have let you know how much I cared."

I kept looking him. He kept studying my knees.

"When all is said a done, you chose her."

His head snapped up and he shook it rapidly. "I never chose her." He shook his head more, but his words didn't match his movements. "I didn't want to choose her."

"Edward, please."

"No, not 'please.' Misguided guilt lead me to be with her, stupid things that seemed to important to the kid I was. Sleeping with her when she was…when we were so young…the things my mother said. Honestly, for a long time, I wanted to love her. It would've made things so much easier.

"But, I love you. I've always…will always love you."

I swallowed around the lump in my throat and heard myself sniff loudly.

His hand reached out toward my arm. I shifted and he paused briefly, then watched my eyes as he lowered his hand to my wrist, his fingers encircling me. Those few inches felt like he was holding my entire being, warmth thrumming through my flesh.

He was as dangerous as ever.

"I need to go."

His thumb traced the bones in from my wrist to my fingers. He stayed silent.

"Edward, I need to go home."

"You live with me."

"You know what I mean."

I sniffled again, but no one would ever have heard it over the exhausted sigh Edward let out.

"Call it whatever you like," he began, and reached up in an oddly purposeful way - as if he were trying to prove something to himself – to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. "Call me stronger or weaker, I don't care. But, I'm going to do what I wish so goddamned desperately you'd have done two years ago.

"I'm going to tell you no Bella… I'm going to fight for us."


	18. Chapter 18 Ivy & Clover

A/N: Bella will be reading a poem in this chapter. It's my understanding that people usually skim over lyrics and poems, and that's fine…the meaning will probably be clear from context. I did, however, write this poem to explain Edward's thoughts on how important he's come to believe that it is to take chances and not leave everything to fate – the lessons he's learned - so just know that's what it concerns if you don't want to read it.

Special thanks to Mel003 who has been pretty much pulling me along since the summer. She is my rock.

I own and lay claim to nothing. Not Twilight. Not a blessing ring. Not Mr. Pattinson. The latter being particularly distressing.

**Chapter 18 – Ivy and Clover**

"_I'm going to tell you no Bella… I'm going to fight for us." _

And he did.

Having someone fight for me, rather than with me, was a different kind of experience.

I have to admit that I made it a bit more difficult than was probably necessary.

"We can work this out." He wrung his hands. "It has to work out."

He sounded so confident. Contagiously confident. "I left things at my folks' in a mess just now."

The whole idea of his family still made my head hurt. Their fight, Tanya's barbs still echoed in my ears.

"I can only imagine how uncomfortable you felt."

"Unwelcome. Wholly unwelcome."

He sighed, not so much in exasperation, but resignation. "Can you please wait here while I deal with my family?"

"'Wait!' You didn't just ask me to wait, did you? I think the last thing you should ever even think about asking me to do is to wait more."

"Bella, please. I just…I don't think it will benefit anything for you to be there. I might-"

"Wait...waiting…waited…I have done it all Edward. If they gave out degrees on waiting I would have graduated top of the class. I waited in high school, every single shift at the diner I waited for something...anything...I waited for you.

I waited that night at the bonfire only to discover that you had chosen Tanya. You left with Tanya, never even uttered one word to me that night...it was as if I never existed."

"Are you seriously telling me that this is too little, too late?"

"What would you call it?"

"I'd call it time," he said, his face in his hands. "Time that we don't leave things to chance any more." He stayed in the same spot, not moving any closer, as if I were a deer he might spook.

"I am not accepted here. Esme loves Tanya; she wants you to be together."

"Well, then she can be with Tanya. All I want… all I've ever wanted is to be with you."

"Edward, just go talk to your family before you actually morph into a Hallmark card. I'll wait here."

Because, at the end of the day, all I ever seemed to do was wait...

I knew, if it could work somehow, he was… I was… we were actually worth it.

"I'm coming back for you, Bella," he said looking back at me from the door. "'Meant to be' doesn't mean inevitable. We have to make fate."

…..

Though I would've bet it wasn't possible, I fell asleep at some point next to Seth on the bed. His little, rhythmic breaths were soothing, lulling me to sleep. It wasn't until I thought I saw headlights move across the ceiling and walls that I stirred.

Expecting Edward's voice, I bolted up in bed when it was someone else's.

"Bella? It's Carlisle." His voice came from the other side of the bedroom door.

"Um, hello," I said, trying to get my bearings. "Is everything alright? Is Edward okay?"

"Yes, yes. He's fine."

"Hang on," I said, climbing out of bed. I opened the door to a soft and concerned looking Carlisle. He looked beyond me for a moment to Seth's sleeping form.

"So," he began, "we've established that Edward is fine…how about you?"

I just shook my head slowly, not sure how to answer. Everything was a mess and while I wanted to be sure of Edward, of his feelings…but I wasn't.

"Carlisle, I think I'm confused. Why are you here?"

"Why am I here?" His smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Or, why am I not at my own house?"

"Well, yeah, that, too." I followed him out to the living room.

"Let's just say that I think things are much clearer to Esme now. I told her I won't be coming home until she's deposited Tanya back across the border."

He settled into the sofa and fluffed a pillow as though he was settling in for the night.

Because he was.

"Bella, I've known for a long time…longer than I care to admit…long enough to be ashamed when I think about it, that something wasn't quite right about Edward's choices." He clasped his hands together. "But, I tried to tell myself that people change. He'd always been so outgoing and affectionate and…alive when he was younger. He's that way when he's with you.

I'm here because I love my son. I've missed him."

Not knowing what to say, I made an excuse and went to the linen closet for a quilt.

"Thank you," he said, taking it from me.

"No, Carlisle. Thank you."

...

I'd been staring at the bedroom ceiling for several minutes when my phone lit up.

**I'll be home soon. – E**

Then, almost immediately:

**Please read my journal - E**

His journal had caught my eye a few times before. I'd been curious. It practically called to me from the nightstand.

Edward's journal was not what I expected. It certainly wasn't a diary. Most entries were short thoughts. Broken and scratched out then rewritten in almost poetic form. A few were more than almost. One longer piece started from around when I'd first gone to his parents' house for dinner and we'd walked in the garden. As I read it, it became clear to me what he had meant when he left.

_A subtle summons comes_

_as fireflies light atop the grass._

_They hold a kind of phosphorescent _

_court, and behind them beckon_

_pulsed beacons. Come._

.

_Come to bathe in an unknown_

_chartreuse and melon glow._

_Through benevolent indifference_

_they bid their watchers _

_each become a Venus _

_in independent orbit about the lawn._

_._

_Enter day through our night –_

_drape yourself in a crepuscular existence._

_Find this relit path._

_These flies, they glow from birth_

_in luciferase laced magic._

_Not so their watchers,_

_._

_who must choose to move, _

_to seek out the first phases _

_of a waxing moon _

_among the sanctuary gloam_

_those airborne pharos can bestow._

.

Edward wasn't taking chances with chance anymore.

…

When I went out to get a thirsty Seth something to drink from the kitchen, Carlisle was asleep on the couch as I passed him. While I tried to be quiet, I heard him stir when the front door opened.

"Bella," Edward called out softly. His voice quickly escalated to alarm when, trying to keep the house somewhat quite, I didn't answer immediately. "Bella?"

"I'm here," I said stepping from the kitchen. Practically running to me, he gathered me close. "I'm not going anywhere."

Ever.

….

I couldn't tell you what love is for everyone, only what it is for me. It's knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them. Love is just a word until there is someone to attach it to.

Perhaps I was thinking that, after all the time it took for us to be together, the earth would move, the stars would align, the lion would lie down with the lamb. But, those are musings of romance and passion. Those are temporary and sweet. All good, but all fleeting.

We were peace.

Peace really is underrated.

Edward told me that Carlisle had come to his house not simply to check on Seth and I, but in a show of commitment; he had agreed to rent it himself from Edward if Edward chose to move and be near Seth. It was an uncharacteristic show force from her husband for which Esme had been unprepared. She'd left at dawn to drive the newly unwelcome Tanya home with Carlisle still on the sofa, ignoring her calls.

Ultimately, it was unnecessary.

Jasper, of all people, showed up in the morning practically begging to rent the house from Edward while I made omelets and teddy bear pancakes.

"I thought I was doing right by my best friend," he said. "Please, let me do this for you. Even if I don't live here, I still want to do this."

"Heck, I might be your roomie," Carlisle joked, bouncing Seth on his knee.

Edward scooped his boy up and got what was probably a very mapley kiss for his efforts.

If I hadn't been so surprised by Jasper's recent about-face, I might have thought longer about why he wouldn't want to live with Alice anymore.

Edward told Jasper he'd think about the offer and we watched his truck tool down the lane. The sun had come up through the trees and I stepped out into the clean morning air, watching the spreading rays begin to warm everything around us.

"Bella, we can go anywhere or stay," Edward spoke against my ear as he wrapped his arms around me from behind.

All the rest is just details. We were together. Finally. "Anywhere is home now."

….

…

EPILOGUE

…..

"Bella!" Rose is hopping around on one foot, trying to fasten the strap of her heel. "Get a move on. There's a hundred people out there that aren't prepared to see you march your half-naked ass around."

"Threaten all you want, but I'm pretty sure they won't start without us."

"I'm not waiting on you."

"Suit yourself," I say, but stand up anyway and gesture for her to come help me zip.

We check ourselves over once more in the mirror. Hair in smooth waves. Ivory and sterling rose bouquets. "You look deep in thought," she says. "But, I suppose that's natural at a wedding."

"I kept thinking of that scene from 'Captain Corelli's Mandolin.'"

"The 'Love is" thing? Yeah, that's nice." She sniffs her bouquet. Her eye shadow compliments the flowers. So beautiful, it's sickening.

I nod, but the words run in my head.

_Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident._

An art. A fortunate accident. Both.

The strains of prelude music fill the air. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Rose fidgets with where her dress hits her shoulders.

I thread the stems of my flowers through the center of the Blessing Ring. The blooms fan out in a circle with the ring as their anchor. It's like a metal ribbon holding them together.

"You're really going to do it? Let your bouquet wear the ring?"

"Better than me."

She rolls her eyes but knows by now it's no use. This is the ring's last hoorah.

"Ready?"

"Never been readier." I joke and smile up at her.

"I'd kiss you if it wouldn't mess up my lipstick."

"I'd kiss her, too, if she'd let her old man." The sudden sound of Dad's baritone seems so foreign, but smooth, reassuring. It's like punctuation at the end of our hours of girl-time. "You look beautiful."

Rose whines that I better look good – we've preened all day. Holding her bouquet up against her very round tummy, she voice softens, "You wanna smell mommy's flowers?"

"Last chance, Bella," Dad says, and pulls me into a hug. I can sense Rose cringing; she's worried about wrinkles in my dress.

"Thanks, Dad. But, I'm walking myself down the aisle this time."

….

The Cullens' garden is filled with people and heels and tent spikes. When everything is cleared and the ground is, no doubt, torn up with clumps and divots, I'll go back to referring to it as Esme's garden. It's just a tiny grudge; I won't hold it forever. Probably. I'm not sure what Carlisle said to convince Esme to let us have the wedding here. Maybe nothing; she's been reaching out to me. I think, in spite of herself, she actually likes me.

Edward has joked more than once that we could save all the clean up by just throwing everything in that giant firepit he seems a tad too proud about having dug himself.

I really don't care. I'm just glad that in the past few weeks Esme has finally stopped looking at me like she'd like to toss me into the pit. I don't really care what she thinks, but it would make life easier if we could be amicable.

"It's almost time to cut the cake," I hear a familiar voice behind me.

"Thank you James. Everything was amazing." It really was. I'd pushed to have him cater when Alice told me that they'd formed a partnership of sorts. Well, after I recovered from my initial shock. At first, I wasn't sure how serious they were about it, but their joint venture was thriving. They were like a one-stop shop for weddings and had even booked a few in Seattle. He also cleaned-up nicely. Alice had definitely been working her magic on him. James definitely wasn't opposed.

Alice wove through the crowd, socializing, but also checking on everything. James looked out and, like magnets, her eyes met his. Maybe they were pretty serious about each other, too.

Seeing them, seeing Jasper across the room with his date, I knew that Edward and I were the exception. There was a reason why we never could move on. Who we were and who we became, we're still right for each other.

Edward had surprised me earlier with a brief addition to his vows. "I know you. I know you in my soul. I love you with everything I am and everything I ever want to be."

If I didn't love him so much, I might be pissed at him for showing me up. Or not. Mostly, I just want to get out of this tent and get him alone.

"Yes, James," Edward says, offering his hand and almost masking the reservation in his voice. "I hate to admit it, but you've done well."

"I could same the same to you," James counters, then fades into the crowd.

Our honeymoon is actually going to be apartment hunting. I'm taking classes toward my doctorate at a university near the one Tanya is attending. I'm sure this thrills her.

After the cake and first dance and parent dances and the garter and - heaven help, me I'm going to hurt someone – a line dance, it is time to throw the bouquet. This is a part of tradition I've never understood the excitement over. If any bouquet-catcher was ever actually the next one married, I've never seen it happen.

"You're sure about this Bella?" Edward asks over the screeching throng of single women.

"Not you, too."

He takes the bouquet from me and the crowd yelps in anticipation. The ring catches a bit of the light. "It's not that bad…and it seemed to work…"

"Yes, I guess it did work." I haven't really thought about it before. I kiss him quickly and snag the bouquet back. The crowd grows impatient. _Calm down ladies. It's just dead flowers and a giant ring._ "Worked. Past tense. I don't have a need for it anymore." I wiggle my wedding ring playfully in front of his face.

"It's funny," he says, and traces the green shamrock stones. "All one circle. We had three chances. High school. Two years ago. Now."

The bouquet sails over to into the far left of the crowd and smacks an unsuspecting Angela in face. Through the cheers, a doting Jasper seems to be telling her she looks fine as he tucks some hair behind her ear.

"Well, good thing it's shamrocks not four-leaf clovers."

….

A/N

I'd like thank everyone for reading. It's been a great experience to share this with you.

There were many wonderful (and creative!) suggestions on how to wrap this up…especially regarding the handling of Esme and Tanya. Maybe I should have had alternate endings. One of my favorite suggestions was that Esme should end up living in a trailer down by the river with Aro. Tanya didn't fare much better.

I hope that no one is bothered that there are non-canon pairings with Alice/James as well as Jasper/Angela. I think these versions of those characters make sense with one another. For example, James would not have been good for Alice in high school, but he's a pretty stand-up guy now. Plus, the guy never has a HEA.

If anyone is curious, most of the chapter names were based upon the plant meanings. http:/www (dot) hmk (dot) on (dot) ca/plantmeanings (dot) html

Finally, I want to thank everyone for their patience with my delayed updates in the finals stages here. All the messages, people checking on me, mean a great deal to me.

I plan to write more. When I post the next story, it will be complete (except for the tinkering that I can't seem to help doing.) I'm going to write it all before I start posting, so that I can post on a regular basis. Please put me on alert. The next thing I'm posting will be less angst. Way, way, way less angst. ;)

There is an amazing group of folks on Facebook at FanficAholics Anonymous. I encourage anyone to check out that community. My special thanks for FFA members General/FerlaV, celesticbliss, Heather Bella, and Udo for supporting me through the ups and downs.


End file.
